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Should couples stay in a relationship for the sake of there children?

This is the first time that I have done a discussion on Scribeslice.
I'm doing a essay at college at the moment on this topic.
I feel that a lot of people think it's the best solution is to stay together, while in the the long run the children suffer.
It's my opinion, but i want to know what everyone thinks on Scribeslice.
Should couples stay in a relationship for the sake of there children?


Raymond lloyd Williams

6th April 2012


This is me as a Psychology Major talking based on information that's up-to-date as of 2010, but I doubt much has changed over the past two years. Anyway.

The simple answer is, it depends. There are many reasons that even child counsellors would suggest that it would be in the children's best interest for the couple to go their separate ways. One example would be physical abuse -- regardless of who instigates the physical assault. Others would include emotional abuse (excessive belittling, public humiliation, etc.), sexual abuse (non-mutual coercive sex, blackmail through sex, rape, etc.), and financial abuse (e.g., threatening to kick one's partner out of the house should s/he not do a certain task).

And yet, even with most of these cases, counsellors would first suggest to work on the underlying issues. For most marriages that teeter towards divorce, the issue tends to be a lack of healthy communication. In fact, even though the rate of divorce seems to be high (resting around 40% of marriages), a large chunk of those marriages (around 50-70% I think) are actually salvageable by developing healthy communication. Only a small number (around 10% of that 40%) are actually advisable to end in a divorce. Also, statistics show that 50% of those who remarry after end in another divorce and 80% of those who marry a third time would face divorce again -- given that they have not worked out the problems from previous relationships. Studies show that when people don't take the time to stop, think about what went wrong, and what they could do better, they are more likely to end up making the same mistakes.

But that's off topic. To make a simple (perhaps a bit oversimplified) flowchart as to decide whether couples should or should not stay together:
a) Will it do the children more harm than good if the parents were to stay together?
b) If no, are the parents' marital problems feasibly solvable?
c) Have all avenues been explored in resolving the aforementioned problems?
d) If all else fails and the children's development and health are at risk, then utilise the least emotionally, physically, and financially taxing avenue to end the marriage.

All that information I gave you is just the surface. I suggest, if you or your school have/has access to academic papers and academic database websites, then read a few of the many academic papers published on the subject. From a psychological perspective, I suggest searching up Child and Adolescent Development, Social Psychology, Romantic Relationships, and the Healthy and Unhealthy Forms of Attachment.


P.S. I'm not 100% positive on the statistics I've mentioned earlier, but I'm fairly sure that the numbers sit around those ranges. I hope this helps.


Daniel Sintos

6th April 2012


Two years ago my opinion on this subject was, Of course they should stay together! Anything can be worked out if you try hard enough! But now, well, now I know that things don't always go as you thought they would. Trying doesn't always make a difference. We cannot change another person, make them want to try too.
I have learned so much in the short while I have been separated. Things I took for granted as truth fell apart under close scrutiny, including my child's happiness. I thought she was happy, but really she has just been coping any way she could in the environment she's found herself in. It wasn't a shockingly abusive environment--nothing so drastic--but it wasn't a nourishing one either; my spirit wasn't the only one starving. As human beings, we need to grow, we need to be challenged, and if we are trapped in a cycle of no stimulation, all of our dreams fade away. This applies to both adults and children. It is just as toxic a place to be as one where insults are thrown about.
And then there's the silent, screaming tension. It eats away at everyone, and health starts to suffer. My child developed a swallowing issue. She lost 34 lbs within the year. Nothing was being spoken out loud so she held it all in her throat. I stopped sleeping and eating properly. We all became depressed. It became glaringly apparent to me that we would all do much better if we had a new, clean space to breathe in--apart.
So no, it is not best to stay together for the sake of the children. The children are little sponges and they are very smart. They pick up on everything and internalize it. They suffer more, I think, because they are not living surrounded by truth anymore. Honesty really is best. It hurts, but the tension gets broken and we can all breathe again, which brings life back into us.


Summer Breeze

9th April 2012


Jan, Im sorry to here about this, it most have been a tough on your family to go through this. But like what you said, 'children are very smart' they know if things are not right.


Raymond lloyd Williams

9th April 2012


Yes they do. Our spirits are not stupid. Our gut tells us something's wrong even when our brains can't yet form the words. We sense far more than we fully realize. I hope this helps with your essay.


Summer Breeze

10th April 2012


Yes, it will help a lot to listen to other peoples opinions and expereinces and also help me with my essay.
Thanks


Raymond lloyd Williams

11th April 2012


Also Daniel, I haven't forgotten what you have said on this subject, thanks for your information, facts and figures, I can use this sort of information in my arguement when we have the class dicussion.


Raymond lloyd Williams

11th April 2012


great! good luck with it!


Summer Breeze

16th April 2012


Thanks, Jan


Raymond lloyd Williams

17th April 2012


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