Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

" - Smoke, haze danced in the air - " Might work better as " - smoke and haze danced in the air. - " But...the word "danced" could be changed too, to better describe smoke and haze. The word "danced" in this sentence implies that the smoke is moving quickly. Perhaps you might just say " - Smoke and haze filled the air. - " But don't forget to give us a small glance at why the smoke and haze fill the air. Doing this will force you to give us a setting, which works well early in the story. I always encourage people to deliver to the readers a setting quickly so that people know exactly where they are in the beginning. Setting allows for a more substantial dive into the story. Try and give us (readers) the "Where" early on so we know right off where we are.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

What is a Quatran? Could a better word be used to perhaps give the readers an instant clarification of the time owed. I think when you use words like "Quatran," not everybody is familiar with it, and if there is one thing that frightens people away from stories, its when they have to take a break to look a word up. Forget about words that may make little sense to people - unless...you give the reader an explanation of it in the paragraph. Simple words used well can have an enormous amount of integrity, able to hold their own weight in any sense if used in the proper context.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

since this is another world...I am taking the liberty of using different measures of time, height and weight to give this an otherworldly feel

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

This section is very dramatic. It's odd how you have a sometimes lighthearted tone and then launch into what is really a very dramatic scene. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. :)

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

I never distinguish on the tone when I write-seems i cannot tell difference. when themuse takes command of me , it is written as I see the words. Am glad you said , it was not a bad thing, since i think it will be prevalent in the whole piece.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

I think it actually adds, rather than detracts. Sometimes too much structure can rip away the genius. Haha. :)

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

You manage to describe so much in as few words as possible. I also like the style of the language and how it suits the period and context.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

This is somewhat of a cliche and is seen and read a thousand times, but I don't mind it.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

since this seems to be the only piece that is too cliche' how would you convey it. if you would...please.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

When I read it I was immediately reminded of Aragorn in LOTR where he is at the Prancing Pony meeting the Hobbits for the first time. I ahve also seen this same seen in other movies and in games and have read it countless times in books. But, even though it is cliche, it is classic cliche and I don't think it needs to be changed, though, you could add something about him being recognised as the mysterious "Bla Bla" at that point to add another layer to the story? Maybe?

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

oops, was writing too fast. Meant to write "scene" and "have". I think Harley needs to add an "edit" button to comments. lol.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

his true identity will not be revealed until the novel's end, sorry, Paul. hope I have not disappointed you..with this tease.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

A sentence like this can easily be diverted from cliche with the Robed figure suddenly appearing in a cloud of smoke or electricity or from some hellish place, or blindingly bright place, (if he's a good wizard). And perhaps he's not leaning on a staff. Maybe the the staff is a live creature, an extension of his arm - something. But...in order to be new and crisp and exciting (because honestly, nobody wants The Lord of the Rings regurgitated back at them.) No. Your job as a writer is to entertain and there are so much more ways to do this, but you do have to break out of the norm, the drab, the same ol same ol.' Leonard, there's more here. Alot more. You just have to Conjure all those wildest creatures and forces that want to make this piece shine. Perhaps the drunkard is a giant 8 foot tall goon who is somewhat magic resistant. Forgive me for inserting my own machinations in there but I just can't help myself. I guess what I am saying is that I want more! More colour! More light! More emotions and actions. More! More! More! My intention here is not to discourage you, but rather to help you bust out of the norm that, so far I am presented with, that could make this piece really come to life!

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

Daniel , thewriting is as it is . this creation is only introductory has nothing to do with the stoty as a whole. i wite what i read ...this novel is a homage to all the writers in my past...ERB, OAK, etc. if you would only give the flow an opportunity to be shown you may see a story that even though cliche. this may not be your style of story, which i agree is your right, but please do not re-write it to suit yourself.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

I loved the set up here for a duel.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 15

feet, positioned his gauntleted hands firmly on the staff "and" said or feet, "then" positioned his gauntleted hands firmly on the staff "and" said.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 15

maybe "not of the same mind."

Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

Creative, just creative!

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

Starting with "His blade raised..." this is an incomplete sentence. Try, "He raised his blade above his head and it commenced its arc as he neared the spot where the hooded figure waited."

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

typo: Fromt should be front.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

Just held the staff firmly in front of himself is not a comlete sentece. Try "He just held the staff firmly in front of himself."

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 15

Might read better as The blade came closer, completing its downward trajectory

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

thank you...when I have concluded my narrative, I will return to go over all suggestions. this piece is 3-4 years of writing, re-writing as of now. I found if I constantly edited what is already written I never will finish. I am making the concerned effort to follow the narrative flow for now. at story's end, I will rewrite all until it is publishing ready.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

I don't know from this sentence who raised the blade slightly, whether it was the drunkard or the hooded man.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

The drunkard's hand (and) arm vibrated with the force of the blow and his sword dropped from his grip.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

The word "devilry" works better, unless you are trying to get us readers to see and understand that the drunkard is not very bright and even dumb-witted, which, if that is the case, we must be shown the character's flaws early on. Drunk and haggard is more of a state, rather than the actual way the goon is.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 15

Under the Double Star - Chapter One


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LOVE AT 1ST SIGHT

      Smoke and haze danced in the air. Laughter. The sound of merriment permeated the senses. 1 comment


      Up near the rail, a young, buxom, bodiced woman attempted to take her leave of the unkempt, heavy-set man, who blocked her path. 1 comment


     " Please, I beg of you, let me pass." the amber-tressed pothouse girl pleaded. 1 comment


     " Not until my time is up. I paid for a quarter hour of your time. It hasn't been more than half." the burly drunkard exclaimed. 2 comments


     " I am not of that line. I am a serving wench, not a pro. I won't stay here, while you attempt to go beyond the calls of my station."


     With that, the blonde headed for the sanctuary of the back area of the room.


     The drunkard seeing his "prize" leaving, roared, " Not on your life. My hard-earned muntarii was paid out. I demand you remain."


     While speaking,the man reached across her chest, started to take what he thought was his.
     The ripping of cloth was heard, then a scream of anguish.


     A harsh laugh cut through the pain.


     " Now I shall see what I paid for."


     " Please, let me be. Please. Oh, please."


     More cloth ripped. His laughter soared. 3 comments


     " Leave her be. She said she was not of that kind." stated a voice, loud enough to cut through the din, from a corner of the room.


     As the words were spoken, the sottish man turned towards the corner, releasing his grip on the woman, who fell upon the floor, struggling to re-clothe herself. 1 comment


     " Where are you ? Who speaks about something that is not your concern. Show yourself. "


     In answer, a hooded, robed figure stepped from the shadows, moved to the front of the gathered crowd, leaned upon a staff. 7 comments


     " I am here. Let her be."


     " Not much to you is there. " the ale-addled man said, as he saw the woman's rescuer. " You can't be more than 4 feet, 80 pounds. How are you going to stop me from what I say is mine. "


     " With this staff you see I lean on. I need nothing more."


     " That stick is nothing  compared to my blade. "


     As he said this, the man drew the blade hanging at his side.


     The hooded figure sighed deeply. Straightened his stance, planted his feet, positioned his gauntleted hands firmly on the staff, said, " I would rather not have to duel with you; you seem not to be of the same mind. 3 comments


     " Duel, you say. More like a carving. I don't think one such as you will survive when my blade starts to slice. " 1 comment


     As the drunkard concluded, he charged. Full on. He raised his blade above his head and it commenced its arc as he neared the spot where the hooded figure waited. 1 comment


     The robed figure didn't flinch. Didn't move. He just held the staff firmly in front of himself. 2 comments


     Closer came the blade as it completed its trajectory downward. 2 comments


     As the drunkard's blade would have sank its depth into the hooded man's throat, the robed figure, slightly, raised his staff to avert the sweep. 1 comment


     When the blade met the staff, it didn't splinter as a wooden rod would, it clanged.


     The drunkard's hand and arm vibrated with the force of the blow, his sword dropped from his paralyzed grip. 1 comment


     " What deviltry is this? " he exclaimed. 1 comment


     When the hooded figure didn't reply, this further infuriated him, causing him to, again, charge his smaller statured opponent.


     As he would have connected with his fists, the robed man, deftly, turned the staff, rammed its end into the drunkard's stomach, batted the sot across the head, and had him sit, poleaxed, on the floor.


     This display of skill had the previously murmuring crowd fall silent; left his former adversary where he sat, holding his head.


     The hooded man went over to the young woman as she lay on the floor, helped her up, arranged her clothes bringing back some semblance of dignity, and escorted her to the back of the room.


     Once the woman was safely away from the noise and chaos, the hooded man asked how she was.


     " I am well, noble sir. Thanks for your assistance."


     " Are there any garments here to cover yourself? "


     " None. This is nothing but a wine locker. "


     " I see. Here are muntarii to purchase new attire. If you are sure you are all right, I will return to the front. "


     " Do not leave, kind sir. I wish to thank you for your efforts on my behalf. How may I repay you? "


     " Find another place, another position. I am afraid you will not be safe here. "


     " Where might I go ?  This was the best position I could find. There is nowhere else in this town. "


     " That I cannot say. Just know you cannot remain here. "


     " Then, I will take this muntarii, purchase suitable attire, book passage out on the next transport that departs. "


     " Yes, that might be the best. I will take my leave of you, now. " the robed man said as he bowed to the young woman.


     " Before you go. I wish to see under your face cloth. May I remove it? "


     " No, woman. That is something I cannot allow. For reasons of my own. "


     The young woman was, momentarily, perplexed. She thought about it, then recovered.


     " One last thing. If you won't allow me to see your face, may I know the name of my defender? "


     " My name is Paldor. Now, I shall take my leave. "


     With this statement voiced, Paldor returned to the front of the pothouse.


     Re- emerging out amongst the crowd, who leaned away at his passage, he continued back to the corner, retrieved his rucksack, walked out under the glow of the triple moons.


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