Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

This sentence simply will not do. It is a telling sentence, but what readers want is to be "shown" rather than "told." Too much speed bumps. Smooth it out a little. Try not to fit what could be stretched out into an entire "proper paragraph" into one sentence. Instead...give us the whole paragraph. Paragraphs are there to fill us with all those little things we readers like to see: the dusty road on the way to the inn, the things the Wizard/Sorcerer sees along the way, perhaps a lake off in the distance, rolling hills, trees, grass, old-style wooden houses. I actually didn't know what happened here, all of a sudden he just was standing in the foyer talking to somebody. Leonard...slow it down. You can achieve a greater amount of action, emotions and texture if you just stretch it out into proper paragraphs. Invite us in to sit and take off our coats and visit awhile, don't push us through quickly and roughly and expect us to want to stay. We readers should not be expected to fill in the details ourselves.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Lose the word cupidity. Maybe just say the Innkeeper's eyes widened, or perhaps he makes a small gasp, but the word cupidity is too...poetic, too...nonsensical. And instead of the Wizard sleeping in a cubicle, make it a room, perhaps add a little bed and table, perhaps there are complimentary soap and a pail of water and basin. What lights the room? Candles or an oil sconce? Lantern or fireplace? Show me why I should keep reading Leonard. Indulge me! Indulge us readers!

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

DANIEL, if you choose not to continue on the story.then it is your right

Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

This paragraph and the four following I believe can be combined into one. You fracture your work so much into paragraphs. Try to distinguish between the moments when you write a narative and when the action begins. Both will differ in the way you write them.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

possibly "the sound that had awoke him..."

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

"There must be more if that pouch was any indicator..."

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

consider deleting this sentence entirely. The sentence that follow sum it up amply.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

I had to go to the THESAURUS to find out what "egress" meant. Switch this word for something that is instantly understood so as to not lose the reader's momentum. If any time you feel you migth have a word or phrase that you are perhaps second-guessing, then drop it and exchange it for something simpler and more readily translated into image form.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

good writing is not about fining the most poetic or descriptive word, it's about choosing a word that fits best into a sentence. "Gaining egress" would be better described as "Getting the upper hand,". Alternative "Paldor rushed towards his staff and struck the host squarely in the middle of the forehead. Not as hard as he had done in the Pothouse but catching the eye-patched intruder unawares." Sometimes sentence structure can make all the difference. (just my own opinion)

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star -Chapter Two


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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

      After his exit from the confines of the pothouse, Paldor noticed that the silence, that hung in the air as he had departed, had shattered. The chaos, laughter, life had started anew. He hoped that the young woman would heed his counsel.


     He proceeded to the nearby hostel.


     The building was a seedier type. One that a traveler would seek if, one he had not
the means to pay or two, he did not wish to be seen.


    However, as he had one but needed the other Paldor decided it would suffice;
especially since it was near the harbor.


     Upon arrival, he took a moment to study the night sky to seek the triple moons- the twins, the goddess and the myriad of stars that circled overhead.


     After the chill night air, the foyer was very stagnant. He approached the host, in a subtle tone, " I seek lodging for the night. Preferably, something above the harbor."


     The bald, eye-patched man, taking in the hooded robe, gauntleted hands, face cloth stated, " Yes, anything for one of the Keth. Will payment be now or at your stay's end? " 1 comment


     Paldor replied, " I may have to leave before daybreak. I will settle my account now." He deposited a pouch of muntarii, retrieved from the rucksack, on the table as he finished.


     The innkeeper's look of cupidity, from seeing all that muntarii, was noticeable as Paldor walked down the corridor to his assigned cubicle. 3 comments



     Paldor leaned his staff against the wall upon his ingress into his cubicle, then laid out the charts that he had removed from the rucksack.


     Paldor commenced his calculations upon the laid out parchments


     After a few periods of checking, re-checking all the cels, assuring himself that all the markings, alignments were accurate, he murmured to himself. " Yes, yes. The event is near. The signs are as I thought. I must book passage on the next vessel thats sails west."


     Paldor's next task brought him to the window, his head against his reclaimed staff, to peruse the harbor for a suitable ship. A few minutes later, he found one that met his requirements. 1 comment


     He decided to wait until morning to inquire if the ship's destination was the same as his.


     With all necessary tasks completed,he finished rolling the parchments back up, placing them back in the confines of the rucksack.


     Paldor, discased from his robe, gauntlets,while he wrestled with the idea of what to do with his face cloth. His knowledge of this backwater haven assuring him that nobody would see, he removed it from his face.


     The rags that served as bedding beneath him, Paldor took his leave of the waking world.



     The sound that had awakened him, came again. Softly, boots treaded upon the floorboards, the producer trying not to be obvious. The door cloth, silently, tugged aside.
     Paldor, feigned sleep, as he watched the intruder's approach upon the rucksack. 1 comment


     " There has to be much more if the pouch was any indicator. Wonder how a Keth acquired such muntarii? " 1 comment


     " I did not." came Paldor's reply as he rose from the rags.


     The shocked look of discovery was nothing compared to when  he saw Paldor's face, fully lit in the moons' glow. 1 comment


     " Your face? " the host shrieked, " What kind of being are you? " The host,stated, backing towards the door cloth as he finished.


     Paldor rushed towards his staff, the host's planned escape noted.


     As the eye-patched man would have gained egress, Paldor swung the staff, with a lighter touch than the one in the pothouse. This action, squarely, in the middle of his forehead caught the man, unawares. 2 comments


     While the host-thief hit the floor, unconscious, Paldor, quickly, re-robed, gathered his property.


    He retraced his steps to the back street of the hostel, where he reapplied his face cloth, donned his gauntlets, shouldered the rucksack, hunkered down, until daybreak.


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