Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

A great begiing to a new chapter caught my attention as I love star gazing and I want to see what connections will be made between Paldor and his mission in this world and what the stars and his skills have to do with it all.

Marysue Shaw Marysue Shaw
Recommendations: 1

You're like me--in love with commas--too many commas, so others tell me:)

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

This is what I am talking about when I say slow it down and give us texture and imagery. I like this. There was nothing here that eluded me, or made me wonder or ask questions. Good job!

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Daniel, did it occur to you that the mystery is intentional...as one reads this narrative to the end all the blanks are filled in that are necessary to get the answers I wish to give.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

Do you think it would sound a little smoother like this: He finished the reset of his face cloth, taking care to tighten it across his neck, adjusting the eye mask to maximize his view. To complete his daily routine, he smoothed out his robe, pulled the hood closer to his head, gripped the metallic staff, and flung the rucksack over one shoulder. He then emerged back into the suns' combined glow. ??? Just my thoughts.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, looks like all you suggested here wasd to make the last part of the parsgraph a separate sentence, everything else is as i wrote it. unless i am missing something.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

i wish to know if i have how you depict the name of a ship right....was told you captalize the whole name, using quotation marks as i have done. or am i amiss with this.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

Yes. A separate sentence.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Get rid of the word "supine." Its words like these, that may very well sound a lot more pleasant while imagining them, but only hinder your piece. Is there another word you can use for supine? One that will be instantly understood? I really don't want to go back to my THESAURUS.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

when I write I write what comes to mind...I am sorry that I know words that others do not.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Sapen passengers? Leonard...what is Sapen? You're losing me Leonard. But, I won't give up on you. You need help and I want to help, so...I'll help.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

you know this is a fantasy pircce right , Daniel. there are goig to be made up words to show a different culture or world. In this case, a Sapen = human as in HOMO SAPIEN .removing the I. in the first chapter you asked what a quatran is ...that is a measure of time on this planet. a fantasy novel will have made up parts.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

I think you should incorporate what you have just told me into the story somewhere early on, so the reader is immediately made aware of the slang, lingo and the language itself.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

since SAPEN is a play sapien (as in homo sapien) I am having those who know this get right into the narrative.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

An interesting idea to have an all female crew on board a ship and I'm sure this hasn't been done before.

Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

"VIRAGO" could that be 'Virago' in italics perhaps?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

i asked the question before but did not recieve an answer ...in litersature how does one write the name of a ship. is it in italics as you have mentioned. is there any one here who can definitely answer this. Paul, you are the teacher, what is your take on this?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

if i am told that this is such the case , then I will change it ,,,that is if I can get the italics function to work.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

penteconter is a ship type ...look up in history of Greeks

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

When reading any story, I always appreciate those little details that allow me all the pertinent information without having to do my own research, especially when it could be brought to my attention in such a simple and powerful way with just a sentence. Perhaps instead of 'telling' us the Pentconter does indeed exist, you might indulge us readers a great deal simply by 'showing' us exactly what it is by incorporating it into the story so anybody else (who doesn't know what a Pentconter) is, is quickly made aware of what it is. Just a suggestion.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

A very nice sentence. Simple.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

I looked up Keth and found no reference in medieval folklaw, though it sounds familiar. Is this a term you made up?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Paul, ever heard of the term , kith and kin. I changed kith into Keth.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Ever heard of kith and kin, i changed kith into Keth.

Paul Day Paul Day
Recommendations: 17

An interesting twist.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thank you, Paul. only thought it was not anything special. As an aside, I hope you think the next chapter is as interesting. It starts an important sequence of events vital to the rest of the novel.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star - Chapter Three


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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

      The magnificence of the dual suns, Rha & Thoru, was breath-taking. First, Rha, the larger, white orb ascended from the horizon, winking at the new day. Thoru, its younger, bluish companion commenced its own advance, just a few minutes later. 4 comments


     Paldor arose from his numbing hunker in the shadows of the back street; stretching to unsettle the kinks, cramps of maintaining that sleeping posture for so long in the gutter.


     He finished the reset of his face cloth, taking care to tighten it across his neck, adjusting the eye mask to maximize his view. To complete his daily routine, he smoothed out his robe, pulled the hood closer to his head, gripped the metallic staff and flung the rucksack over one shoulder. He then emerged back into the suns' combined glow. 4 comments


     The beginning warmth of the day refreshing him, he listened for sounds of shouting and discovery of his former host's supine, unconscious body. 2 comments


     Not hearing anything, Paldor proceeded to the harbor, a short distance away.



     Even though the day had only begun, the harbor was abuzz with activity. Ships loading and unloading material cargo, Sapen passengers. It was through this activity that Paldor sought out the ship he had seen from the hostel's window. 4 comments


     As he approached the pentconter, Paldor saw its name, "VIRAGO" . He noticed something unique about it as he made its berth. The crew. There was not a single, male member upon her deck. 7 comments


     Paldor hailed the nearest deckhand as he made the gangplank, " Is the captain around. I seek passage upon your craft."


     The young female noticed his hooded robe and mistakenly took him for a priest of some kind. " This isn't any pilgrimage craft. We don't take men of the cloth aboard. Truthfully, we don't take any men." she said.


     " Please, if I may just talk to the captain. I feel we could reach an arrangement." 1 comment


      The woman, smiling to herself, shouted," Neith, there's somebody here seeking passage. He wishes to speak with you."


      From out of the deck hatch, stepped a tall, fiery-haired female, clothed in a flowing blouse, pantaloons, a kerchief, that partially covered her head, allowing the rest of her tresses to  cascade down her back, a cutlass dangling from her hip. She ascended to the deck, followed by a hooded, cloaked female.


     " As you were probably told, we take no men upon this craft, not even one of the Keth." 3 comments


     Paldor was going to ask Neith why when the cloaked female leaned over to the captain, whispering the whole time. Neith looked from her to Paldor, whispering in turn. Going on for a short time, Neith spoke, " It seems I am to make an exception to the no men rule. It appears I have a debt to pay to you."


     Paldor was going to deny this statement when the cloaked female removed her hood. Standing next to Neith was the woman from the pothouse. 2 comments


     " My sister, Athene, tells me that you were there in that vile place where she was almost violated.You came to her aid, in fact. For this reason, I will honor your request for passage. Since we are fully provisioned, when would you care to depart? "



     While Paldor, still at the gangplank's bottom rung, was considering if he could wait until the morrow, a commotion was heard from the direction of the hostel and pothouse. A gang of people, the pothouse drunkard, the hostel's host, both heads bandaged, were heading for the port.


     Athene, seeing the crowd, turned to her sister, said, " I think it would be of the utmost urgency for us to leave now. I have an idea I know what this is about.


     Neith waved Paldor up the gangplank, onto the deck, calling out, " All hands to stations. Cast off the lines. Set those oars for ultimate speed."


     As the mob reached the berth, the "VIRAGO" was already out to sea.


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