Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

You still need to close the gap after the "inverted question mark, throughout your stories.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

I have explained this in chapter four under the comment you,originally, made

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

no comma after "were".

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, as you will noticed I changed this line. Also, I have rewritten the chapter as you suggested. If possible can you look at it again , tell me if it is correct.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

What is your opinion, Don. Is this chapter correct, accurate, now or is further editing needed. If not, I will move on.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star - Chapter Five

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      After the space of five days, the monotony of ship life was telling on Paldor. Since
   most of the crew had their duties to perform, he couldn't find anyone to help him
   practice his staffwork. He knew that this practice was vital for the times it would be

     The idea came upon him that he could practice at night when most of the crew would be
   at rest. They would not hear him since their quarters were far enough below decks that
   the sounds of his practice would be muffled.

     After constructing his staff stand( a tall, three-toed hardwood pole) Paldor
   commenced his exercises.

     First, he attempted high head level swings, second, mid body work, then, lastly,
   sweeping parleys he could utilize for disabling legs and arms. Circles, ovals, figure
   eights. Hard blows, soft taps. Paralyzing knocks, softer dabs. First, faster, blurring
   action, then, slower, more defined staffwork.

     It was during one of his sessions, under the fullness of all three moons, that he
   sensed a presence behind him.

     Glancing behind himself, Paldor saw a diminutive, chestnut-haired young female
  clothed in a multi-colored jerkin, black trousers, knee high boots, leaning against her
  own tall wooden baston, observing his method.

     She spoke," You're very skilled. Would you care to practice against a live opponent
  rather than flaying at that pole. I would be agreeable to be that foe. By way of
  introduction, I am Soru. I know you are called Paldor."

     Paldor replied, " I would be honored to have you to practice against. However, one as young and petite as you are may not be able to maintain your wits against me." 3 comments

     Soru laughed, set her feet, gripped her staff, commenced to twirl it, going ever faster until it hummed. Paldor attempted to follow the staff's motion. Thinking he had the timing, Soru, suddenly, stopped twirling, raised her staff higher, smacked Paldor below his face cloth, dazing him. Soru followed the motion bringing her staff down upon his right foot, smacking his ankle as she finished.

     Taking a few minutes to recover from these assaults, Paldor looked at Soru, said, " If  I had known you were of the ALLIA I would not have erred about your skill. I have never seen anybody as young as you are from there."

     " That is high praise coming from a Keth. I was an orphan when I was sent to the order for training, which was earlier than most. Only recently, did I leave. I had been fortunate to find this ship harbored where I contracted my services. Now, shall we continue."

      They were still at it when the suns' rose. 4 comments

     The black-hulled hemiolia's appearance out of the morning fog bank was almost silent
   except for the occasional lapping of waves against the hull.

     Another indicator of its arrival was the grappling hooks piercing the "VIRAGO" 's
   railings, followed by the whip-darts clattering on the deck or finding fleshy targets.
   A cry of anguish brought a rapid response.

    " All hands on deck. Repel all boarders." cried Neith.

    Soon the sounds of metal against metal were heard. It was at the beginning of the
  battle that Neith spotted Athene
    " Little sister, you should go below. This is not the place for you. Remain there
   until it is over."

         Athene began to comply when a figure appeared before her. He was smaller than the
   rest by a half of a foot. His purple skin was blotchy. His head bald. Two tusks
   protruded from his bestial face. His upper right arm held a whip-dart, the other three,

       As the creature spied the unarmed Athene, he charged forward, roaring out his
   battle cry.

    As one of his daggers would have sank into Athene's chest, a blur appeared. Soru
  twirled her staff,blindingly, hoping to connect with the creature's forehead. The
  creature's lower, left arm brushed Soru aside, knocking her to the deck, dazing her. As
  the creature would have followed through with a killing dagger thrust, he collapsed upon
   the deck, Neith's cutlass protruding through his chest.

     A recovering Soru signaled to Neith that she was unharmed as Neith continued  towards
   her sister.

        Neith was not swift enough to stop the raider from carrying Athene away over his
   shoulder. Neith chased after the creature, was within striking range, when a whip-dart
   edge caught her across the face, furrowing her cheek. The momentary pain blinded her
   enough that she never saw the cudgel. The cudgel struck Neith and knocked her senseless
   to the deck.

        Paldor wasn't near enough to prevent any of this mayhem.
        As the first boarder landed upon the "VIRAGO" 's  deck, he, with Soru, being in a
     position to see this action, commenced the defense of the ship.

         With Soru, following his lead, Paldor brought his staff into play, twirling,
     swinging, parlaying all attacks.

         After the first foray, Soru noticed that Athene was under attack and went to her
     aid. Paldor was prevented from assisting by a three prong attack.
          The first two combatants were easily displaced. He was hard pressed to resist the
     third assault because of the whip darts that the creature wielded in its upper arms.
     All of Paldor's moves were parlayed by the creature who pushed him back using its
     lower arms.

          Paldor thought quickly and charged the creature again, whirling his staff. Then,
     he stopped, feted right and when the creature followed that motion, Paldor reversed
     his movements.  He brought his staff down hard upon the creature's head.

          The blow caused the creature to stagger backwards and fall over the
     penteconter's side rail.

          Paldor saw the creature hit the water and turned to aid Soru just in time to see
     Neith's attempted rescue of Athene.


         Paldor and Soru ran to the fallen Neith.
         As they tried to revive her, they heard a bellow of triumph from the creature who
     swung back across to his own vessel, Athene still across his shoulder.

         He dropped Athene on the deck of the raiding ship.

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