Marysue Shaw Marysue Shaw
Recommendations: 1

Can't click on a line, but I would change the beat in the 2nd line. If you are going to rhyme a poem, then a regular beat would be nice. I.e. I saw a girl amongst the trees (beat of 8) Then Each time I saw her, grew weak in the knees (10) Or you could say, I saw a girl amongst the trees (8) I gasped and felt weak in the knees. (8)" It matches beats then. Yeah, I am sure you could do better than what I wrote, even though I got the beat right:) But you get what I mean, eh? You don't have to rhyme, either. Try free verse freedom first, then rhyme it up later, if you're rather. Another example of beat rhyme: She is the light amidst the dark (8)/My hope is that we never part (now it is 8, too, with the addition of 'that'). Play with it, work with it:) Have fun with it! :)

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

as I said in the discussion ...My gf wanted to write a poem with me.It was her birthday. Did not have the heart to tell her that she was not doing it right. That is why the second line is out of beat. The last line was my gf"s as well. However, I like your phrasing. I will use it . thank you. Now what does anybody think of the last line.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

LOVERS' DREAM


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For Charlie

      I saw a girl amongst the trees.
     I gasped and grew weak in the knees.
     Smile, then, upon her face.
     She is but my saving grace.
     Pray that she never leaves me.
     Am amazed at what we can be.
     Still, I wonder, if this is right.
     Then, when, in a kiss our hearts take flight.
     Seems it is but a dream.
     Our love flows like a gentle stream.
     Wish that we could be as one.
     I am her calm; her blazing sun.
     She is the light amidst the dark.
     My hope is that we never part.
     Because I wish never to stray.
     Her love for me will light the way.
     It has been many years, many tears;
     she has taken all my fears.
     To savor this time has brought me joy.
     Being the happy ending, her lover boy. 2 comments


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