Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

I don't quite get it when you use upperscale for Names unless it is an acronym. Virago hit the Scheol would still do very well

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Bill, I have been using the word the for both ships since I started this novel. I believe it is only a small thing, I will keep it as it is written.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

Most writing style books state that the names of ships should be 1. In quotes 2. All Caps 3. Italicized. I'm the guilty party that said it should be all caps. DLY

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don , are you saying i had it correct before with the quotes on the ship names. i tried to italicize on here but that failed. if so let me know that i go back to the quotes and you are also saying the name nedds ionly have the first letter capitalized.

Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

this paragraph and the two following are great battle scenes with a smooth flow. Great.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

i need to ask ...have you read this from beginning or are you coming to my novel at this chapter.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

since I removed, corrected what you edited , would this then be one long sentence or the two as I have written.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

I think two sentences are better.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Then it is correct as stands ?

Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

supposed to be a question concerning her wellbeing. You are making it sound like a statement. Unless that's how you want it to sound.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Athene knows it is a statement...why she answers the way she does.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

"...have you feel (felt) the shame..."

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

I think ...feel is more correct as I read the sentence.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

I am just slightly confused as to who is knocked unconscience here since in the following sentences Neith is is conversing with a levian.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

ok...there are two Levians in the scene...the one who Neith is speaking to and the imprisoned one who comes to Neith's aid.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

in case I forgot...the ex-captain.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

also, since you have mentioned the Levians...I feel I am going to change their identifying name...I am considering...Jaktar (as in the ancient British Royal Navy term-- JACK TARS-- for sailor). I am keeping it as singular since they are existing as a single entity. let me know what you think on this.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Leonard I really like the idea of changing the identifying name to Jaktar. It has more meaning. When I read the name levian it makes me think of leviathan which is a giant sea monster from biblical times.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thank you... when I rewrite this JAKTAR IT WILL BE.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, I rewrote this as you suggested, the blow , corner. Is how I set it correct or should this be two separate actions.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Again,thank you for your editing skill.

Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

There is abit of confusion in the action in this paragraph and the one before it. Two differing points of view which I believe should merge flawlessly in decribing the action. Of one attacking, the other reacting too late to avoid getting hit.

Bill O. farmer Bill O. farmer
Recommendations: 14

What am starting to get clear now is that it is Perra who gets knocked out cold.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

yes ..correct i wrote this way for that reason.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thanks ,Don, for pouinting out I forgot the word you. How it goes when one writes at close to midnight, you rush to finish.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

You have the name H'br'a "spelled" differently at different times in this area. It may be confusing to some readers. Do you want H'br'a, as in this paragraph, or H'br"a, as in six paragraphs up?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Jim, thank you for your keen eyesight. the correct spelling is...H'br'a. I think I rewrote all H'br'a's spelling now.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Ok so now I see who was knocked unconscious, at first it appeared to me that it was Neith.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, I think this is how you wanted it phrased, if not make the further edit.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

DOn, I have gone through the complete chapter, hoping I eliminated all the passive phrasing, can you go through it again to verify it is done satifactorily. Also, re-read that all the corrections you had me make are phrased as they should beand the sentence structure is correct.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star- Chapter Nine


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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

      The "VIRAGO" hit the "SCHEOL", as the triple moons, the Twins and the Goddess were
bowing to the ascension of Rha and Thoru, surging sideways then reversing as the two vessels resisted each other. Both sustained minimal damage since the "VIRAGO" was almost
becalmed when it glanced the "SCHEOL" midships. 4 comments


     Neith didn't hesitate to leap across the two rails, even as the first grappling hooks were seeking purchase in the "SCHEOL"'s deck. She headed for the hatch that lead to the oar hold below.


     The first Levian she met, four-armed, empty-handed, tried to bring her into his grasp. Neith ducked beneath his questing arms, thrusting her cutlass into his underbelly, ripping upwards as she withdrew. The bluish gore that permeated her blade soaked her upper sword arm. 2 comments


     Neith leapt across, Paldor, Soru, the rest of her crew followed, commencing their own skirmishes as they alighted on the deck. Staffs, blades against whip-darts, brute strength. Red blood, blue gore, sea water mixing into a tainted wash. Cries of pain, whispers of death sounding as the conflict raged.

     Neith, not caring if she was followed, moved ever forward towards the hatch. The battle clearing the way around the hatch, she lifted it, heard the moans and cries of confusion. A fleeting glance into the semi-darkness caused her to jump down unto the hold's floor, her blood-tinged blade seeking more.



    The "SCHEOL" righted, Perra pushed up into a kneeling position, swiftly adjusting her partially open shirt, torn breeches and undone face scarf. She noticed three things- the oar-master was still unconscious, the captive, she had come to interrogate, stood staring at her and a blue -imbued blade pointed at her unscarred, upper face. 3 comments


     Neith, from behind her outstretched blade, stated, " If my sister has been injured in any matter, it will not go well for you."
    
     Upon finishing this promise, Neith espied Athene then spoke, " You are well. They haven't harmed you." 3 comments


     Athene, sarcastically, replied, " Except for being naked, bloodied, bruised, chained, made to row this ship, I am fine."


      Neith's blade drew closer to Perra's face after Athene's declaration.


      " Maybe I should carve up your face, have you feel the shame my sister did." Neith said as she brought her cutlass into a slicing grip. 2 comments


      One of Athene's bench mates chose this opportunity to speak up.


      " Neith, is that you? Great to see you ! "


      Startled, bringing her blade down, Neith sought out the one who had called her name. As her eyes adjusted to the gloom, she found the speaker seated in the last bench.


      As Neith turned about to engage the speaker, Perra took the gamble of eluding the blade in her attempt to attack Neith.
    
     Perra completed the motion, a long, purplish arm reached out and cuffed her alongside her head, knocking her back to the hold's floor, where she lay unconscious once more. 6 comments


      Neith heard the sound of the blow and saw the motion of it from the corner of her eye, bringing Neith's attention back to Athene and Perra, making her, momentarily forgetting the still hidden speaker. 6 comments


     It was at this time, Neith noticed the maimed Levian chained next to Athene, causing her to say, " Why would you, a member of the ship who captured my sister, do this for me? "


     " It seemed the only way to regain my ship. Let me introduce myself, I am Idon, former master of the "SCHEOL", at your command."


     " Neith, it is true. " Athene declared, " He was the captain. The one who called out to you said as much."


     Neith acknowledged Idon with a swift nod.


     Neith returned her attention to the one who had spoken before.
    
     Neith squinted through the semi-darkness until she found the person she sought.


     The shape of the figure looked familiar. This recognition puzzled Neith until it came to her.


     " H'br'a, is that you?  How long has it been. Almost a year."


     Idon spoke up before H'br'a could respond, " Captain, it is fine you wish to reacquaint yourself with an old comrade but, now, is not the time. Don't you think it is better to remove these chains. Let us rejoin your triumphant crew, since I see none of my crew appearing at the hatch opening and the sounds of battle abating. After we are topside, there will be plenty of time for a reunion."


     Idon saw a puzzled look on Neith's face and continued, " If you're worried about me, leave me as the last one freed. I will remain here with you until the rest are safely released."


     Neith, considered it, stating, " I agree with that suggestion. I see you have the keys to accomplish that very action."


     " It was a simple matter to retrieve them from the unconscious keeper after he laid sprawled next to me as the ships collided." Idon declared.


      Idon handed Neith the keys. Neith commenced unlocking the chains.


     Eventually, Neith reached H'br'a, clasping her on her shoulder, as she spoke, " I'll see you above. We can talk over old times and your reasoning for what you did." 1 comment


      The shadow that was H'br'a moved forward towards the hatch, then climbed up and out. 2 comments


     In a short while, all the rest of the captives were released until only Idon remained.


     While he massaged his leg, numb from the chains Idon asked of Neith, " What would you have me yield, Captain? "


     Neith replied, " All the terms will be discussed once we are topside."


     Neith turned to the still unconscious bodies of Perra and the oar-master and said to Idon, " For now, I require your assistance in bringing these two to the main deck." 1 comment


     Neith's request brought Idon to full attention, Idon shook his head in agreement and commenced the hauling up of the two to the deck above. 2 comments



     After a period of recuperation, a cleaned up Neith, a newly bandaged Athene, Paldor and Soru discussed what their next action should be with the vanquished "SCHEOL".


     Neith had been given all the reports regarding the losses on both sides that transpired during Athene's rescue.


     " According to all accounts, we suffered more than we can afford, roughly one third of our crew. The Levians are down to only 16 members, the oar-master plus the captain. They will be hard pressed to be seaworthy upon their release. In the short time I was in their hold I counted  dual benches numbering thirty two occupants. There is not enough remaining crew to make a smooth transit, however, it is not impossible considering the Levians' size, extra arms. Also, there is the matter of the woman I encountered. What to do with her? "


     Neith turned to both Paldor and Soru as she continued, " There is the matter of what I am going to do with you two, also."


     Athene, sitting in the ill-fitting clothes that were found for her, was puzzled. She voiced her concern, " Neith, what do you mean. You have already decided both Paldor and Soru. The other questions will be answered at your discretion."


     Neith sighing, in a very tired voice, said, " That's the point. All decisions made before are no longer valid. I am no longer the captain of the "VIRAGO"."


     All three looked at Neith after this proclamation.


     " If you are not the captain, then who is? " Soru asked.


     Neith, wearily, replied, " The one who was before she disappeared. H'br'a." 1 comment


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