Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Leonard please refresh my memory but when was H'br's unchained in this ship?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

in chapter nine...where Neith starts to release all the captives until only Idon is the only remaining one is implied ...unless I need to go back and clarify in the chapter.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

or in the very sentence here...where Neith is looking at H'br'a's image as she is unchaining her... do I need to clarify it here as well.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

No I don't think so, I had a headache yesterday when I was reading, I went over the chapters again today and it was pretty clear.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thank you, Deborah. did you see my question to you in chapter nine?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, how about if I remove this paragraph all together. Is the readability still there. Is it made clear without this paragraph. Does the walking paragraph, then the keening one flow clearly if this paragraph was removed. It is the only way I can think of to make it a readable part. Let me know your thoughts.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, I hope I satifactorily fixed this that the readability is found. As always, I await your expert suggestions if these lines should still seem off.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

This reads MUCH better now. I understand it clearly.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don, are you saying that this chapter is now, totally, readable?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

In the original draft that was the word I had do not know why i changed it.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Nice input of self-mutilation, this can speak to any culture that self-mutilates to punish or to complete a ritual that is paramount to their particular species. Hope that made sense.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Nice description of an alien ritual, it give your piece a picture of the cultures involved.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don ,there is a reasion fior that you will see as the story continues. Can we hold judgement on this until you see what I am going to do. or should i just change it.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

I changed it anyway. will see if as the story progresses I need to reassert the quotation marks.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

"I am known as Paldor. It is an honor to finally meet ONE of the Primae" Maybe????

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

That may work. I am not sure. I have said it will be made clearer as the story progresses. However, I cannot move on until all of this chapter is correct. I am still at a impasse regarding the paragraph with Neith walking towards H'br'a's quarters. I make it a point not to continue until everything previously read is clear. Alrerady, have tried 5 different times to clarify what i want to say. It seems I may never have it correct.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

I think interrupted sounds better than interjected, what do you think?

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star- Chapter Ten

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      Neith continued, "I was the first mate, serving under H'br'a until a little
under a year ago."

      We had just completed a successful capture against some pirates and were deciding what to do with the vanquished ship and crew.

      H'br'a called me to her quarters and told me that as soon as we  made port her
days as captain of the "VIRAGO" were over. The ship, everything was mine.

      I tried to find out why this was but H'br'a never gave a reply. All she would
say was her time had come.

      We no sooner made port, H'br'a, without another mention of the fact, not
collecting even a rucksack, departed the ship.

      I never saw her again, until today when I heard her voice down in the
"SCHEOL"'s hold when I went to free Athene."

      After listening to this explanation, Athene, looked at her sister, and said, "Besides your plan to return control of the "VIRAGO" to H'br'a, what else is  there?"

      Neith stated, firmly, " As to what there is yet to do is unclear. You, Paldor
and Soru wait here. I'm going to have all my questions answered, right now."

      After finishing, Neith left the pilothouse and went below to H'br'a's

      Neith, walking along the passageway, contemplated what she had seen, in the dim light of that hold, regarding H'br'a's image, as she had unchained her. 5 comments

      If Neith's old captain's appearance had,indeed, radically transformed from the one Neith remembered, almost a year ago, that would, seriously, alter everything that transpired since H'br'a's abrupt disappearance. 4 comments

      A keening intruded upon Neith's thoughts as she approached H'br'a's cubicle.

      Neith quickened her pace, cutlass drawn and jerked back the door cloth to gain entry
into the cubicle.

      In a corner of the cell, H'br'a rocked back and forth, staring at her four-
fingered hands, looking at what once were magnificent talons, now, just ragged
stubs. Her silver-hued flesh more of a darker gray. The once brilliant, myriad
tattoos only a sickly, reddish, wealed pattern. Her white filament hair hung in disarray
below her shoulders. A ill-fitting mantle, which she had been draped
with as she ascended out of the oar benches, clinging askew around her petite
form. 1 comment

      At Neith's arrival, H'br'a stopped her keening and rocking. She turned her
vertical-slitted, chartreuse eyes up, meeting Neith's shocked gaze and explained. 1 comment

     " Now, you see why I left the "VIRAGO". I knew my time was near. What you see is
the process of my demise, both natural and self-imposed. The tattoos, body shades
are natural; my talons, self-inflicted mutilations. 1 comment

      After we captured that last pirate raider, I realized that I had met my
tattoo cycle, had reached my quota of allowable prickings. In my culture, when
that occurs it is a sign for me to move aside that new blood be born. If you
look, closely, between my eye slits you'll see one, unblemished spot. I cannot
prick this last one myself as I did the others it must be done by another of my

      I left to find that other. I had found a suitable prospect to fulfill the
completing ritual. I removed my talons, myself, in preparation for the other to
be my end. As we were in the midst of the ritual, we were attacked by the crew of
this ship. The prospect was killed, instantly, while I, without the means to
defend myself, was taken captive. I have been a part of this ship's complement
until you found me." 1 comment

     Finally, realizing that H'br'a had ceased speaking, Neith lowered her blade.
She felt pity for her old captain and comrade. She spoke.

     " The keening is your death-song? "

     " No. Lamentation that I have to start again to find another suitable member of
my race. It took a very great while to find the first one. I know I don't have
much longer. Once my talons were removed I knew I had only a short time before I
would perish.

      I do wish to do it whole, with all the required prickings and the ritual
concluded.  I sense my death is close at hand."

      A feeling of helplessness overcame Neith. She knew, as she started to speak, that
she would not be able to help her friend.

      Paldor's voice came through the door cloth.

      " Sorry for the intrusion. Athene was concerned for Neith. May we enter? "

      The door cloth was moved aside as Paldor, Athene and Soru entered H'br'a's

     Awe and unease showed on the faces of Athene and Soru as they saw H'br'a. The beauty
of her hair and eyes, the mutilations of her hands and dullness of her tattoos registered
as sorrow on their faces.

     Paldor had no reaction to H'br'a's countenance, other then one of knowing,
as he smiled and slightly nodded in her direction.

     " Yours was the voice I heard when I was talking to the captain." Athene stated.

     " Aye, lass, it was. Now, noticing you in this better light I see the
resemblance to Neith."

     Neith interrupted before the dialogue progressed. She turned to her sister and
said, " Athene, I wish to present to you, H'br'a, captain of the "VIRAGO" and my

     Athene replied, " It is an honor to know you. You must have been a great

     H'br'a smiled at this.

     Neith turned to Soru, " H'br'a, that petite woman is Soru, a new addition to the

     Soru acknowledged H'br'a with a slight motion of her head.

     H'br'a stopped Neith's introductions with a wave of her hand when it came Paldor's
time to be mentioned.

     " The Keth are known to me. An introduction of who he is is not necessary. What his
name is is something else." H'br'a stated as she extended her damaged, right hand
towards Paldor.

     " I am known as Paldor. It is an honor to, finally, meet one of the Primae." 4 comments

     As Paldor spoke, he took H'br'a's hand in his , gently.

     After releasing Paldor's clasp, H'br'a said, " Neith, my friend, I feel I must
reiterate what I stated when we last parted. The "VIRAGO" is yours. Do with her what
you wish. My condition being as it is you realize I was correct in my original
presentation of her to you."
     Neith, acknowledging that such was the truth, stated, " This time I accept her
with appreciation and full understanding."

     H'br'a smiled and nodded her head.

     Athene spoke up, at that moment, to say it might be a good idea to leave H'br'a
alone for now. Neith agreed.

     At this , Neith turned to the others, declared, " I have many tasks to complete
now aboard my ship. First, is the matter of what to do with the vanquished ship and
crew. Then, there is the matter of that woman.

     Athene. Go to the "VIRAGO" and tell the crew that we will depart as soon as all is

     Soru, Paldor, the earlier conversation is now voided. Soru, return to your berth. Paldor..."

     H'br'a interrupted, " Neith, by your leave, I wish to speak more with Paldor, in
private." 1 comment

     Neith was,momentarily, taken aback by H'br'a's request but noticing the familiarity
between her and Paldor, she shrugged her shoulders and lead Athene and Soru back to the

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