Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Don , I feel that your suggest is viable but I think it lacks something to link the two thoughts of the one and only Primae and the reason a female is always picked. Or am I missing it.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

why i wrote the ending of the paragraph the way i did. Unless you do not like it I will leave it at this.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

This reads good as is. I would leave it.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thank you, Don. I am glad I have it correct.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Should there be a period after 'sail'? Or could the sentence be written like this...After Neith had completed the final details, the "VIRAGO" was ready to sail.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

no i think you are correct there should two speparate sentences unless they are partial sentences. i will place the period as you saw and see how it reads.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

No comm)a's needed after (was and now). Maybe after the word 'her' you could use the word 'was' moist with sweat. Then you wouldn't need a comma. In the next sentence what do you think of this? Her breathing (became) very shallow...Her breathing (had become) very shallow...Thoughts?

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

What about this? As H'br'a closed her eyes she sensed Neith's approach or presence. With much effort, her voice quavering and feeble, she spoke to Neith.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

"Neith, do not enter. I require you to find Athene and Soru, the young female; bring them here to me." Thoughts?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Gary,I have all the characters but Paldor speak in contractions for reasons that will be revealed at the books end. It is a quirk i have for them.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

and rushed (back) through...Just to show that she turned around and went back the way she came.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Maybe Neith could answer H'br'a saying..."Yes H'br'a, I will bring them to you immediately. Or Yes H'br'a, I will bring them immediately. Thoughts?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

You will see why this is written this way in the chapters following.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

It took only a few minutes for Athene and Solu to be found. Once they were told of H'br'a's request they made their way back to her bedside. Instantly they all could see the anxiety that H'br'a was feeling. Does this help? Your thoughts?

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Does this phrasing clear up who was anxious, Don.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Sensing that her request had been fulfilled, H'br'a opened her eyes and gazed upon her friends. Neith, Athen and Soru were standing around her bedside; H'br'a looked at each of them in turn. Thoughts? Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm just writing what I feel. I like the story so far.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

so that (what she had to say) could be heard by (all three women.)

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

what happens when you finish a pirece at midnight, you misspell.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

...consideration, but after a moment of indecision she replied, "What needs to be done?"

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star - Chapter Eleven


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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

      After the three of them had moved down the passageway, Paldor,and noticing a
sickly difference in H'br'a's face, sat down next to her as she tucked her palmate
feet beneath her.


      Gently, reaching over, he retook her right hand in both of his which caused H'br'a
to moan, slightly, in pain. The mere flexing of two of her fingers commenced the flesh to peel and flake. The skin seemed more gray as he noticed the tattoos appeared redder.

          In a voice, just above a labored whisper, H'br'a spoke.


          " Paldor, you and I are, both, more knowledgeable than the rest of this world.
That is why I wish to speak to you. You understand what I have to do.


          You, already, know the history of the Primae and my origin. How I am epicene
and the reason why. How and why we pick our kindred members. How these members lift
themselves to full kinship, finish the prickings. How everything relates to the
ritual conclusion. "


         Paldor replied, " Because you are epicene there is not the known criteria for
breeding since your androgynous makeup forgoes the norm.


          Your origin is beyond the sky when an earlier incarnation arrived eons ago.
Since that first time it has been an eternal struggle to survive and maintain your
lineage because you are an entire pedigree in one body. As you are a warrior race, you
must exist in constant turmoil until the required number of tattoo prickings mandates
another must fulfill the ritual of Primae ascenscion. It is the next chosen who
concludes your ritual, then takes your place."


          H'br'a nodded. Her face showing increasing pain as she replies, " The famed
memory of the Keth is flawless. However, to explain further, I am the one and only Primae
in the universe. When I am gone there will be no other unless I pass my blood to them.
Females are my chosen successors because they are the stronger of the two that represent
higher order organisms. 4 comments



          Now, here is something that you do not know. For the first time in my Primae
lineage, because of the circumstances of my capture, before I could elevate the usual
pubescent female, I must choose a prospect that may not be totally acceptable. My time
is shorter than I originally thought. My successor must be chosen as soon as I am on
the "VIRAGO".


          After hearing this detail, Paldor inquired, " Do you have someone in mind ? "


          H'br'a answers, " Yes. The chosen is one of the three who just left."



          In the moments of her arrival upon the "VIRAGO"'s deck, Neith accepted articles
of allegiance from the females who were once captives. She made them part of her crew but
confined the males to cells until such a time as they reached the next port.



          As she went below, to her quarters, Neith found Idon,accompanied by an armed
guard, awaiting her arrival from the "SCHEOL".


          Idon spoke, as Neith lifted the door cloth, " With your consent, I wish to
negotiate the terms of surrender."


          " The terms are simple." Neith replied, " I release you, your crew, your
ship. The only stipulation is that you do not retaliate against us.


          Once your ship is fully manned, with the remaining seventeen of your crew,
you will be allowed to haul anchor and depart. Your means of propulsion is up to you.
All previous captives are under my protection.


          After your ship is out of my sight, you may do as you wish. I will give you
fair warning. If you decide to return to how we found you and we meet again, I will not
repeat these lenient terms. Are the terms agreeable? "


          Idon, humbly, replies, " They are more than I expected. I will honor them.
With your permission, I will prepare my vessel for departure. When may I expect my crew
to be released ? "


          " Your crew and the "SCHEOL" are already positioned. You may set off at your
leisure."


          Idon took his leave. His trusted guard followed.


          The "VIRAGO" was ready to sail. Neith had completed final details. Now she asked
a crew member the whereabouts of the captive woman. 2 comments


          At that moment, Paldor, rushed into the room, declaring, " Neith, H'br'a is asking for
you. She does not have much time left."
        


          H'br'a was, now, safely in her bedding aboard the "VIRAGO". The mantle she wrapped around her, moist with sweat. Her breathing very shallow as she endured the immense pain that engulfed her entire being. She prepared for the final stage of the ascenscion ritual. 1 comment


          It was as she closed her eyes that she sensed Neith's approach.
    
          With an effort, she spoke in a feeble, quavering voice. 1 comment


         " Neith, don't enter. I require you to find both, Athene and that young female,
Soru, and bring them here." 2 comments


         Neith, sensing the urgency of her friend's request, stopped at the door cloth
and rushed through the passageway, up onto the deck. 3 comments


         It took only a few minutes for them to be found and told of H'br'a's request. 1 comment


         All three made their way back to stand at an anxious H'br'a's side. 2 comments


          H'br'a, sensing that Neith, Athene and Soru were, now, present opened her eyes
to look at each, in turn. 1 comment


         H'br'a gathered her strength and raised her voice, from a whisper, so that it
could be heard by the three. 1 comment


        " My dear shipmates, friends, I am glad that I am able to tell you what is required of you in my time remaining.


          Neith, as my former first mate and my friend, I ask for your total compliance of
my final orders. I wish you to leave your cutlass next to me. Then, I ask you to leave,
not looking back. You and I will not see each other again."


          Tearfully, her head bowed, slightly, towards her former captain, Neith
removed her cutlass placing it next to H'br'a's body as she departed without a backward
glance.


          Neith's footfalls receded down the passageway as H'br'a turned to Soru and said, " You are being given a great responsibility. You are the guardian of the Primae. It is your duty to defend her while she acclimates herself in her new form.


         The adjustment period usually takes a couple of hours. It is crucial that the
newest Primae is not disturbed while the ritual takes place.
        
         Will you accept the obligation? "


         Soru, the orphan, who until a few days past had been but a minor member of the
ALLIA, replied, with all enthusiasm, " I accept. I am honored that you think me worthy
of this charge."


          Then it dawned on Soru. What it meant for Athene to be present.


         Soru continued speaking, " If I am correct. The new Primae is...


         " Athene." stated H'br'a, turning to the former pothouse wain.


         Athene, realizing the implication of that declaration, felt light-headed.


         Awestruck, she blurted, " It cannot be. I am not familiar with the Primae. I
look nothing like you. How can I be your successor ? "


         H'br'a responded, " The ritual will take care of everything. Once you agree,
we three can commence. Are you willing to endure the transformation, totally and
completely? " 1 comment


          Athene was momentarily quieted.


         She thought about her life up to this point. One of a mistreated and abused
pothouse wain.


         Also, she thought of her older sister who always protected and looked after
her.


         Her acceptance of this responsibility could mean she never saw Neith again.


         Athene's brow wrinkled as she gave this proposal serious consideration. 1 comment


         What needs to be done? she finally said, after a moment of indecision.


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