Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thank you, Don. I was wiondering if I had to reference this.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Great so far. What do you mean by 'door clothes'?:)

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

when you are on a ship in ancient times ...door clothes are the fabric rendition of a door. they hang from the door top down to the floor..

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

I see the confusion ...s/b door cloths. have fixed.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Some minor corrections with the spelling but great so far. eben is even I'm thinking. 'give herself a focus' What's that? Is Soru giving herself a focus of trying to stay focused? :)

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

yes as you deduced....the ritual is a fairly long one with the transformation having to be undergone .it is longer than it is written.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

so Soru being only a Sapen she does not have the Primae stamina to stay awake without her ALLIA training ...think the ALLIA as a religous order utilizing disciplines such as SHAOLIN priests do here.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

there are going to be spelling errors. Try as I might I will miss once in a while. Using this site as my testing ground to see if this novel is worthy of a future publishing. It is how it does here that will determine if I proceed with seeking a publishing company- e-book or otherwise. From the reactions I am seeing this far...not a lot of people on here are folloowing this. You, Gary, are only the third. Maybe I will not finish it if I am not getting anybody interested in it. I told myself when I started that if I was the only one following this the errors and sentence structure mistakes are not a major concern to me. Why should I bother with all that if not anybody is reading it.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Bother with it because Scribeslice is not the whole audience. Finish it and email it to evryone you can think of. People that you know will rad it and giver you feedback. I'm one for sure.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

Might not need the comma's there. :)

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

The comma's after you and please. Might not need them. I can see this acted out and an actor would slow the line down to show that they were weak, I'm thinking. What do you think?

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

You might not need the comma's after is and now. After eventually I think an 'and' would connect the sentence and help it read better.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Thank you for reading this chapter. Have you been reading from the beginning.If you have what is your opinion of the novel so far.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

I haven't been reading from the beginning. i want to though but couldn't find the other chapters. Email them to me and I'll read them asap. My email is goye2all@aol.com. Or just make them accessible to me here.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

You will find them accessible by clicking on my name. All my writings should be available with this method. After you have read the whole book up to now tell me if you would have bought this in a store uif it had a catchy cover or back cover hook.

Gary Smith Gary Smith
Recommendations: 5

What the?! What is she doing? Is that part of the ritual? I wasn't expecting 'tragic' like that. I like the story so far. Great job.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

yep...that is how the ritual works. You have noticed that mostly there is only one Primae. If there is only the one where do the others go when their time is up. Wait for the nerxt chapter and i will show you.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star - Chapter Fifteen


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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

      Perra had spent the last fourteen days, eluding detection.


      Perra searched every niche of the "VIRAGO" trying to find Neith, who
she learned had the information she sought. All attempts ended in failure. 1 comment


     During the process of systematically entering all the passageways, Perra came upon
one that appeared rarely used.


     As she neared one of the door cloths, she heard what sounded like two female
voices. Both of them sounded urgent; one was vaguely familiar. 3 comments



     Soru finished one of the meditation exercises taught her by the ALLIA; the one
allowing her to go without sleep.


     Soru took her guardian duty so seriously that she remained, unmoving on the mat
above both H'br'a's and Athene's reclining bodies as the ritual continued.


     She gripped her staff even tighter, to be prepared for any disturbance and to give
herself a focus as she attempted to stay vigilant. 5 comments


     As a few more minutes passed, H'br'a asked Soru to help her stand.
    
     H'br'a regained her balance, although unsteady.


     " Soru," she said, weakly, " Will you please find Neith and bring her to me?" 2 comments


     It was a diversion.


     H'br'a knew that to complete the ritual, she and Athene had to be alone.


     If Soru knew how the ritual would end, she would attempt to stop it.


     As Soru went off to comply with the request, H'br'a looked down upon the
completely transformed Athene.


     Everything was as it always was, the five digits, on each hand, had become four
talons. Her human feet had transformed into webbed feet. Athene's facial features had
changed, especially the configuration of the eyes into vertical slits. Athene's
beautiful, curvasceous body had altered into the curveless, Primae norm. There were two
differences, the hair remained blonde, the eyes stayed blue.


     Glad that Athene had survived the ascenscion, H'br'a leaned over and whispered
into her ear.


     "Arise, sister. Your physical transformation is now complete. I assure you that
all the voices in your head will calm down eventually and you only hear A'yd'a when
you have a question regarding anything that a previous Primae experienced.
They are all there but not allowed to speak except through A'yd'a. 4 comments


     You are aware there being two of us sharing the same existence is abnormal.


     You know what must be done to complete the ritual. How the last act of the ritual
needs to be concluded to remedy this unnatual duality. It will only take a few minutes. I
have sent Soru on a false errand."



     Athene slowly roused. Her eyelids opened. She stared at H'br'a, then at herself.
Her sense of wonderment at the successful transformation changed into stark reality as
she remembered what was required to complete the ascenscion into the one and only
Primae.


     As Athene arose, she stood next to a near mirror image of herself, she spoke, " I
realize that it is the only way to complete the ritual but it is still tragic."


     H'br'a replied, " Tragic, yes. Necessary, of course. It is the nature of the
ascenscion. The way it has been since the beginning with A'yd'a. You learned it all
during the transmutation.


     However, you must do it now. Soru will return with Neith at any moment. You sense,
as well as I do, the urgency of the matter that is now your responsibility. We must end
this, quickly. I am prepared. Please complete the ritual's final step."


     Athene shook her head, sadly, as she realized what H'br'a was saying to her.


     She knew what she was about to do was the only conclusion.


     Without hesitation, Athene drew back her right arm and drove her main talon into
the last, unblemished spot on H'br'a's face, right between the eyes. 2 comments


     The force of the blow entering H'br'a's skull was a brutal enough signal to end,
both, the ritual and H'br'a's life.


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