Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

As I have stated before I do certain play on words-Farwa is farewell. I am attempting to put certain alien aspects of language into my pieces to remind the reader this is a fantasy adventure work.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

If you have another way to show the difference, tell me, pleasewithout having this be strictly all the usual words.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

My question was the same as Don's here but I got it (reading your response to Don) and I like the way you have given some words an otherworldly sense about them.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thank you Deborah... for seeing my attempt at making this piece of writing slightly unique. I am thinking when it is put out for publication to place a glossary at the back of the novel to explain all the made up words and people...such as SAPEN which is my take on HOMO SAPIEN ...as in human for who the race of people in my writing.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

oops ...s/b ...for my race of people

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Reminds me of the host's in the sci=fi series "Stargate" but somewhat different in that Athene gets all the knowledge of all previous Primae.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

hmm...I never watched that show...but thank you for showing that it is a viable concept for when questions or otherworldly counsel are required as you continue reading this .

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

the is used twice in this paragraph, not three times.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

isee where my fingers slippesd...thank you ...will remove the second or third the.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

where is the is's you are mentioning

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

where is the is's you are mentioning

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

After entering is not needed here. Omit "Neith" from the first word, second sentence. Neith looked around sttempting (misspelled in paragraph) to locate H'br'a and Athene. Not finding either, and feeling confused, she asked the screaming, terrified woman, "Where are the two who should be here?"

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

You will recognize her by her eyes and hair.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

thanks, Don, I was not sure how to phrase that sentence, your way fits.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star - Chapter Sixteen

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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

      Swiftly, searching the entire length of the ship, Soru found a physically agitated
Neith near the wheelhouse.

     As Soru came close enough to Neith, she heard Neith give the order to maintain
vigilance regarding the shimmering, black ship that was shadowing them.

     Soru spoke as she came within close proximity of Neith, "Captain, it is H'br'a.
She told me to find you and relay that she wishes to talk to you once more. The way she
said it sounded very urgent."

     Upon hearing this, Neith, all fatigue gone, quickly headed towards the hatch and
down to H'br'a's cell, with Soru following.

     Perra slowed her approach to the cell as she heard the voices that sounded from
it. Silently, she drew back the door cloth to step inside.

     As she cleared the cell's threshold, Perra beheld a very unusual sight.

    There before her shocked and unbelieving eyes was the one she sought plus an almost
mirror image except one had missing talons while the other had the distinct
difference of blue eyes and blonde hair.

    It was the action of the blonde Primae that was the most disturbing.

    Perra witnessed as the blonde version drove her right arm's straight-edged talon
forward to immediately impact the crippled one's forehead right between the eyes.

    The next action was just as unexpected.

    When  Athene's talon had completely disappeared inside H'br'a's skull, a bright
blaze of light appeared as an aura around H'br'a's body encompassing her whole being.

    As the light intensified, H'br'a, momentarily, looked straight at Perra as a smile
crossed her face.

    Right before the light became too bright to look at, H'br'a spoke to Athene,
"Farwa, my sister. The ascension is now completed. You need but wait for the mindset
to finish giving you the Primae mentality and identity." 6 comments

    The light continued to intensify until, finally, H'br'a's eyes closed and her
ravaged body disintegrated into dust motes blowing in the wind.

     At the moment of H'br'a's turning into dust, Athene heard voices inside her
head as H'br'a's essence was welcomed into the clustered Primae conscience to be ready
to give consult as her knowledge was required.

     A pricking appeared upon Athene's face under the right eye as if she was shedding
a tear at H'br'a's passing.

     Perra stared, horrified for a few seconds, then turned to start back into the

     Athene turned her blue eyes upon Perra and said, "The one whom you sought no
longer exists."

     Athene raised her left talon to her forehead as she continued, "H'br'a is here.
Your vengeful quest has come to its end. Let your misguided anger dissipate. It was not
a Primae that caused your pain and disfigurement. I make no apologies for your scarred
features. It was the ones that spoke falsely to you that caused your suffering and

     As the final words were spoken, Perra stopped her motion toward the door cloth and
turned back to re-face the Primae.

     Soon as Perra was fully looking at Athene, she reached both hands into the top of
her shirt where she found her hidden sheaths.

     Perra pulled forth the twin daggers there and threw them, in one motion, towards
Athene's body.

     The swiftness of the Primae's motion was amazing. Before the daggers had finished
their arc, Athene brought up both taloned arms in sweeping gestures. 4 comments

     The twin blades were brushed down and away to clatter upon the cell's floor.

     As the daggers clattered, loudly, Perra screamed.

     The first thing that both, Neith and Soru heard as they neared the door cloth was
the inhuman scream of terror.

     Both, Neith and Soru entered the cell prepared to fight. Neith scooped up her
previously discarded cutlass as she entered the cell first and Soru brought her staff
up into the ready position.

     Neith looked around attempting to locate H'br'a and Athene. Not finding,either, and
feeling confused, she asked the screaming, terrified woman, "Where are the two who should
be here?" 1 comment

     Perra continued screaming and staring at the transformed Athene. Athene stood

     Soru, reasoning it out, said, "Your sister is the being you see before you. I know
it is Athene since I was present during the transformation. You will recognize her by
her eyes and hair. Athene is, now, the Primae. As to where H'br'a is is anybody's
guess." 2 comments

     Perra spoke at that moment, "I saw this creature strike the other between the eyes,
causing the other to disintegrate into dust."

     Amazed at this information, Neith asked, "Was the other, one with white filament
hair and cruel, ragged arms?"

     When Perra nodded affirmatively in reply to Neith's question, Neith spoke again,
"Then H'br'a, my friend is dead."

     Neith stood, silently, for a few moments to compose herself and mourn H'br'a's
passing. Then, she gazed closely at the Primae standing before her, trying to recognize
her sister in the Primae's features.

     Neith asked,"How is this possible?"

    "It was the ascension ritual. H'br'a asked for Athene's sacrifice and what you see
is the result." Soru stated, "I didn't know that to conclude the ascension, H'br'a had
to die."

    Then, Soru turned towards Athene and asked, "Is this why I was sent to bring Neith
here? You had to hide the fact that to finish the ritual you had to kill H'br'a." 2 comments

    "Yes." was the answer that Athene gave. "Since you are the Primae's guardian,
H'br'a knew that you would recognize us both as the same entity and wouldn't allow the
killing. She sent you away for us to be alone. We had not planned on this woman
arriving to witness H'br'a's demise. By the way, this Sapen is your mysterious thief
and intruder."

     Upon hearing the last statement, Neith looked closer at Perra to find that Perra
was, indeed, the woman Neith had thought had returned to the "SCHEOL".

     Neith stated, "I'll deal with the woman, later. For the moment, what are we
supposed to do, now, Athene?"

     Athene went silent, for the moment, as she waited for the completion of the Primae
mindset and consulted with the Primae cluster, then she answered, "To begin, in about
a half hour, this ship will be under attack and we should be preparing for it. Lastly,
your sister, Athene, is no more. My name is A'th'n."

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