Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

I appreciate the way you exercise caution here. It adds a sense of realism that such a night would procure.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Nice detail in the last two paragraphs.

Maddie P. Maddie P.
Recommendations: 10

Just a suggestion: you might not use the word was twice in the second sentence. I might say "Panicked as I was, it took me until the voice sounded again to realize who had said anything." I'm not judging your skill of writing, (believe me, you're very talented) because I do this all the time, and then find them when I look back over my work.

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

Yeah I sort of thought that when I wrote it.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - But it was too late, the thing had heard her and begun, not to shuffle, but to run up the hall. - " In this sentence it would be advisable to just say the thing ran, raced, bolted, etc. Doing away with those sweet little explanations would lead to the action in an instant, working fear into your readers rather quickly, like a sharp blade rather than a jagged rusty butter knife.

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

Okay, I'll have another look at the sentence and see what i can do with it.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Awesome gore! In any horror story where a vile presence, demon, monster or beast is causing severe damage, the presence of gore and blood and screams is a definite must. I quite enjoy the way you bring the scene to life with a pounding pulse! Great job accessing the natural fear and suspense that mutilation and blood spatter invokes!

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

Why thank you, and thanks for taking the time to write great, insightful comments on my work! :)

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Ahhh....just when I was going to ask...your character's name is Emily! Nice way to inject it into the scene without having herself say her name which is sometimes difficult when engrossed in moments of raw fear without sounding a tad awkward.

Mike Marble Mike Marble
Recommendations: 1

Unfortunately, she's also alerting the creature that there's still someone else (Emily) in the house.

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

The creature does not understand English, Mike. It's not human :P

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - My heart, my very soul, sunk at the sound of her last words, begging me for help, before the monster ripped her apart one last time. - " I love it! Not that she just suffered but rather that she was ripped apart! Very cool!

Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

Thank you, I do enjoy writing horrific things like this! :P I don't think it's very good for my mental health

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

On the contrary...it is a benefit to your mental health to express them, rather than to keep them all to yourself. It is a benefit in that you can share them boldest ideas with your readers, alleviating you from carrying them, from them becoming burdens on your psyche.

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Rebekah King Rebekah King
Recommendations: 21

At Night - Part 3


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The story is not yet done...


I worried that whatever that thing was might decide to come back up the hall soon, but there was nothing for it, I had to leave right now. I half-crouched and walked as quietly as I could without being too slow. I decided that if it came back, I would crouch low in the darkness and hope that it wouldn’t see me. I prayed that the wooden hallway floor wouldn’t creak under my weight. I took a deep, silent breath as I stepped out of my bedroom and onto the floorboards.


I carefully put my foot down and slowly applied pressure. I tensed, ready to run or hide if I had to. Eventually, I transferred all my weight onto that foot and all without a sound. I breathed a low sigh of relief, then pulled my other foot from my bedroom carpet and onto the wood as carefully as I had the previous one. Again, the floorboards did not creak, so I decided I would move faster. I needed to reach the kitchen before that thing decided to come back up the hallway and find me in the darkness. 2 comments


Still bent over in a half-crouch, I tiptoed down the hallway as quickly and silently as I could. I made it to the end without too much noise, then turned right and headed through the kitchen doorway. The floor here was slate, so I could move faster without worrying about making a lot of noise. I headed straight for the fridge and found the bottle of water in the door. Thank God I was so obsessively organised. I then went to the pantry and searched as quietly as possible for the box of trail bars. I found it hidden behind the biscuit tin. Two left – they would do.


I stuffed the water and the bars in my bag and replaced the box in the pantry. The last thing I wanted was to leave evidence behind that someone had been in here. I doubted that thing would be swabbing for fingerprints, but an empty box left out would be a dead giveaway. I ransacked the rest of the kitchen for anything useful. I found my mum’s good butcher’s knife which had its own blade cover – perfect for not cutting its own way out of my canvas bag. 1 comment


“Hello?”


I gasped and my breathing was instantly out of control. I yanked the cover off the knife and spun around towards the bathroom. Panicked as I was, it took me until the voice sounded again to realise who it belonged to. 2 comments


“Is someone there?”


It was Maddy. What was she doing?! Was she trying to get that thing to come after her? Then I realised that she didn’t even know it was there. I wanted to tell her to shut up, but I knew that any noise I made would only make it worse.


“Hello?”


She sounded more desperate now, like she knew I was here and was begging me to answer her. Her voice was getting louder – the thing would surely hear. As if to confirm my fears, I heard the sound of feet shuffling from down the hallway. I whimpered quietly and crouched low in the darkness, moving over to the corner of the room.


“Who’s there?”


Jesus, Maddy, please stop talking. But it was too late, the thing had heard her and begun to run up the hall. My eyes now being adjusted to the darkness, I saw its shape sprint past the kitchen doorway and out into the lobby, then saw it again as it approached the bathroom door and bashed loudly on it. Maddy screamed aloud and I knew that she was doomed. The thing bashed on the door over and over again, shaking the entire frame with each strike. I could see the door weakening – it was going to break through for sure. I wanted to do something, anything to save her, but I could only crouch there, frozen by fear. 2 comments


With one final strike, the thing broke the door down and it landed on the bathroom tiles with a great crack. Maddy screamed the most horrifying scream I’d ever heard as I saw the thing disappear into the bathroom. I didn’t want to hear this, I knew, but I couldn’t cover my ears. I couldn’t do anything except listen in horror as I heard Maddy’s screams cut off by that guttural growling and a slashing sound. I heard everything, I heard the sound of Maddy’s flesh being ripped apart and her blood splattering across the tiles; her gurgles and moans of pain and horror and fear. 2 comments


“Emily, help me!” 3 comments


My heart, my very soul, sunk at the sound of her last words, begging me for help, before the monster ripped her apart one last time. All was silent for a long moment, then the monster left the bathroom and returned the way it came. Its growls somehow seemed triumphant, although they had not changed in tenor or pitch. I remained frozen even after I was certain that the monster had returned to the back of the house where it had come from. 4 comments


I was riveted in place, too shocked to comprehend what had just happened. It was a long time before I could even blink, then I realised that tears had been flowing silently down my cheeks the whole time. Or perhaps that was just due to my eyes being exposed for too long. I couldn’t believe it – I didn’t want to believe it. I had just heard my childhood friend being ripped to shreds in the next room by a monster I hadn’t even seen. It was the stuff right out of horror movies and Halloween tales. Shocking, horrible, terrifying. I collapsed sideways into the stone kitchen wall and sat there for a long moment, trying to think through the haze of shock. Even now I knew I could not rest.


I had to get out of there.


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