Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

" - There was a shit-ton of traffic outside of my house. - " Saying " a ton of traffic " will do just fine. Saying "a shit-ton..." (or words that may sound great to you the writer, may instead make your character come off as a hill-billy (not terribly bright; strengthening our first impressions of her already) putting us on the side of her mother right away. There are other ways you might convey your character's ways, but even though she may be a hill billy ) for lack of a better word - show us through her actions. Remember that language used in stories is what we read and hold tight to and are sometimes even more potent than actions in delivering the personality of any character.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

" - He shook himself out of his allegorical trance... - " The word 'allegorical' in this sentence is redundant. Instead just say "trance" as the word allegorical acts as a 'speed bump' destroying the natural flow of the sentence. Quite frankly when I see that word I want to open up my Thesaurus and make sure you are using it right, which is something you do not want to inspire in your readers as they will surely lose interest if the message and structure and meanings your work is meant to convey becomes lost and muddled. Remember that a fresh concise sentence flows better than one where a single word saps the strength from it.

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

right around the corner FROM my house. Out of nowhere Drew whipped around (sounds like Drew came from nowhere.) needs work. Each start of dialogue should begin a new paragraph. Not knowing what to say or do is an incomplete sentence. Maybe put a semi-colon after "He stared at me with discomfort". As he jumped for joy yelling great? If he took your hand and went running down the street, you must have ran with him, he would look funny running down the street with just your hand. Should be: He took my hand and WE went running down the street.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

" - (http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=45773837) - " go back and remove this stuff. Its important to go over your work before posting so that it is read with as much seriousness as you wish to have it read with, in order for your work to be taken seriously and given due consideration.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 41

" - "Don't cry, Beautiful. We're going to be great parents!" - " I enjoy this sentence because it holds a certain power in that it reflects quite easily the nature of a fourteen year old boy who is in love. It comes off as very real and even a bit ticklish and sweet!

Please login or signup to add a comment to this paragraph.


Add comment   Close
Kaitlyn Chymych Kaitlyn Chymych
Recommendations: 0

What's Happening?


Share this writing


Link to this writing



Start Writing

More Books

Harley Bailey Harley Bailey
Recommendations: 29
Amnesis
Jennifer Killby Jennifer Killby
Recommendations: 6
The Legend of The Travelers: Willow's Journey
Georgina Connor Georgina Connor
Recommendations: 8
Lilith
Maddie P. Maddie P.
Recommendations: 9
Red Silk (Chapter Five)
Zion Der hai Zion Der hai
Recommendations: 5
LOVE AT 1ST SIGHT

Nicolette finds out something terrible that her mom hates greatly. Her boyfriend Drew, is really supportive, but, he's acting weird. What could be going on with him?


      Chapter 1-
       "....I'm sorry! I can't say it any more. I'm sorry, and I made a mistake! Forgive me!" I said. My mom was yelling at me, screaming at the top of her lungs, and throwing things at me. Books, dishes, my rare collectibles. "I could never forgive you, you godforsaken piece of shit slut."
She had found out that I was pregnant by my 14 year old boyfriend. "I can't control this anymore, Mom... It just happened." She had started to calm down, as she saw the tears run down my face as if I were drowning in sorrow. "Nicolette... You're only 15. You're an honors student and have your whole life ahead of you; Same goes for Drew." She spoke in a soft voice. "I don't know how you two are going to handle this. It's going to cause pain."
"I..." I stuttered. "I-I- I know Mom. But I'm going to do everything possible to keep my baby safe."
She smiled.
I went to sleep.



       The next morning, I opened my eyes slowly to the sound of a radio blasting outside of my window. There was a shit-ton of traffic outside of my house. I turned my head to grab my glasses and I saw Drew. He was just standing there- Staring at me. I didn't know what to say or do. "Babe?" I asked kind of silently. I stood up all the way, because he wasn't reacting. "Babe. Drew. Are you alright?" He shook himself out of his allegorical trance and greeted me by kissing me with so much passion. "I love you," He said out of the blue. I was so lost and confused. It had been so long since he said those words to me. "Let's go out to breakfast!" He demanded, eagerly.
Normally, this would be so cute and I would've just went with it. But this isn't Drew. He's usually a bit gloomy, and not the best at speaking face to face with me. He's shy and a loner. I couldn't figure out why he was so jumpy. I hadn't informed him that I was pregnant yet. 2 comments


      
       I quickly got dressed in a little sundress with yellow sandals and put on a pair of white sunglasses. (http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=45773837)Drew and I went walking down to a little cafe right around the corner of my house. It was next to this mini-market where you could buy the most random things ranging from the newspaper to a top hat to soda pop. Out of nowhere, Drew whipped around and bought me a rose, slowly and safely placing it in my hair. "I've got to show off the most beautiful girl in the world someway," He whispered into my ear. He took my hand and we went to get some coffee, sausage biscuits, and bacon. "I'm really glad we're getting to spend this time together, Nicolette." He said with a smile. I gave him a half smile and an awkward chuckle and looked down at the floor. "What's wrong?" He had so much concern in his tone. "We need to talk, Drew. I- I- I'm...." I just couldnt get it out. "No. Don't tell me you're breaking up with me!" He was almost in tears by just the thought of it.
"No, babe! That's not it! I'm... Pregnant."
He stared at me with discomfort. Not knowing what to say or what to do.
I started to silently cry as the tears filled my eyes for the second time in two days.
He smiled.
"Don't cry, Beautiful. We're going to be great parents!" As he jumped for joy while yelling great, he took my hand and went running down the street, the wind blowing through my hair, heading to the fountain at the park.
This wasn't my Drew. I wanted to find out what happened to the Drew I knew, but I was loving this guy too much to try to change anything. 3 comments



       We sat at the park for an hour, just sitting there, looking off at the little kids playing on the playground. "One day, that's going to be our baby." He said quietly, while kissing the top of my head. I stood up, my mind still wandering about him. "I have to head home, but I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" "Okay, Beautiful. Goodbye."


                            Chapter 2-
I would like to know some comments about my writing before I write a second chapter.


Link to this writing

Share this writing


Next: At Night - Part 5