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Allen Clarke Allen Clarke
Recommendations: 18

The Day I became a Cartoon


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She had a friend.

Ever have one of those days where you feel like a cartoon? Welcome to the Club! The Cartoon Club!


I didn`t mean for it to happen, but it was inevitable. It was just that thang about the power of a woman`s suggestion. I had always suspected that I bore a striking resemblence to Brad Pitt. Yeah, O.K., perhaps I got the message a tad jumbled. Or was it a Pitt Bull?Never mind, my philosophy has always been`` get em first before they get you.`` I see how women look at me with that hungry look in their eyes. Mind you, it`s always just before lunch-time.


  And then, just the other day, someone ( who shall remain the nameless wife) told me that I was almost a dead ringer for Fred Flintstone. Wha!!....Say what???Excuse moi? Double...no, wait, triple excuse me with sugar on top! I have never been a fan of the stone-age era, let alone one of their more foremost characters. Sure, once in a great while, I must admit that I get a slight craving for a brontosaurus burger, but.. gee whizz!!


  I further rebuff the insinuation that I am somewhat of a Cro- magnon. oOh, sure I have been purported, from time to time; that I can be a little crude in mannerism.Gone are the days of yore when I used to drag my woman by the hair. And she has the unmitigated gall to accuse me of causing her premature graying roots!!Oh, woman! Surely thy name is Vanity!!


  Would I whisper sweet nothings into her ear while she sleeps? Would I fluff the hair off of her pillow at night? Would I allow her to fix me a perfect breakfast every morning? Nay, I say, but only a perfect gentleman would do that for the woman of her schemes. Granted, I do tend to pour on the charm as Baby bonus day approaches every month. But my motives are pure, I assure you ( he says with a twinkle in his glass eye!):)


  I do wonder though what a cartoon might garner. Would it be based on residual payment or would it be just the lure of the bright lights? If there are any other cartoon guys and girls on the loose out there in Cyberland, you may enlighten me! D.C. comix, here I come!!
Would the wife of my dreams have to change her name to Wilma? There are so many things to consider!! Would I speak out of voice balloons?Would my thoughts be read by all? Would I have to fly to exotic countries to do book signings? Would I constantly have to disguise my exceptionally good looks to evade my hordes of fans?  (SIGH!)...(Double sigh). I guess that`s the price of fame and fortune. And would anyone ever take me seriously ever again? Listen to me, I sound like a thoroughly angsted, pimplified teenager!!I guess I should give my agent a ring.


Well, here I am on my second day as a cartoon character. It`s not at all the way I had  imagined it to be. The truth is, I feel kinda used. Sure, I`m super famous, and people read about my mis-adventures everyday. Artists stop me on the street and they all wanna do a `quick sketch`` of me! I insist ( of course) that they don`t make me look too, too much like Brad Pitt. Sure, I`ve appeared on Oprah, and I`ve graced the cover of Cosmo, G.Q., and Mad magazine. I`ve also been on Dancing with the Stars with Sandra Lopez. I do wish she`d stop the harrassing phone calls, though! I went out with her once. Sheesh, you`d think she`d be satisfied! I feel really used! People get a good belly laugh at my expense and then they chuck me in the corner.I just got syndicated, but, I`m not seeing a penny in my bank account. Don`t they realize I have expenses?


In a way, it`s kinda nice to live the life of a cartoon character. The reason why I say that is because I can always convince the guy who runs the storybord of my life to make some modifications..if need be. My friend, the artist can always erase away my problems. I see you`re greenish with jealousy. You don`t have that option, do you? Puny mortal.


In reality, it is I who is green with jealousy mixed with envy. You get to love, to laugh, to cry, to procreate. I have to settle for kids that don`t even look anything like me. I live in a perpetual state of reality denial. You, on the other hand, get to enjoy full human-ness. When they`re done with me, I get put into some dark, dank back-room in a shelfed archive. There I`ll stay, until some curious creature waxing nostalgic takes me out into the bright sunlight just to have a chortle or two at my expense. Does it sound like I`m playing the world`s smallest violin? How can I have full self-pity when I`m not even human? Do you see how blessed you are? No one will leave flowers at my grave, because I won`t have one. They`ll just remember me as,``that character!``


Hey! Yeah, you, the one sitting there dreamily, holding the Saturday morning newspaper. Did you read about my latest antics lately? Well, you must know that I do have something of an ego, you know.What? you want my what? My autograph? Sheesh!..I`m not used to this superstar stuff!Talk to my illustrator, and he`ll talk to my agent, then I`ll get my people and then we`ll talk to your people...yadda..yadda, yadda! I really need to consult with my friend, Brad. Did you know Brad( we`re on a first name basis) Did you know that he carries around a million bucks when he goes shopping? You`re turning green again! Who do ya think you are,..the Hulk?


Some might say that my writings are the feverish rantings of a delusional lunatic. Well, hey..what do you expect from a cartoon character? It`s not an easy existence just to know that you can be rubbed out in a moment. Yep!..erased out of existence, at the whim of the comic book publisher!That`s not even mentioning the constant peril of losing readership. There are always fresh faces waiting on the sidelines eager for their chance to shine. That`s why some of us old guys have to continually nag our illustrators to`spice`up our image.


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