John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

If your character uses contractions in dialogue, keep to it. "What's the diference then?"

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

For flow, change the last sentence to -- "Then what do you define the soul as, just the innate....?"

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

poring instead of pouring. Comma after "No, the soul is..." Perios after thing, then start a new sentence with "It isn't as..."

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

Perhaps start the sentence with Richards snorted, "Our defeats...." Keeps the reader abreast of whose talking.

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

Plus, "You're an image in the mirror..."

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

period after "...don't." Dr. Richards stepped.... truncate the sentence starting with Tomorrow morning ---- "...the government will believe you a failure..."

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

drop the that' in the first sentence and it needs a period at the end. As a rule of thumb, 'that' can usually be removed and it won't hurt the sentence or the intentions. Read the sentence aloud, with and without it, and you'll see for yourself. drop the saw in the third sentence and substitute realized instead. You want to avoid echoes of words, especially in back-to-back sentences. Try to use other words if at all possible. Man's fear - instread of mans fear, since he's thinking about Richards - it needs to be possessive.

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

drop the 'that' in the first sentence and change clones to possessive clone's. In the third sentence doctor shouldn't be capitalized. I would change the fourth sentence to --- He turned and ran toward the door. It makes it more actionable and less passive. change the dot in the last sentence to pool or river, which indicates blood. A dot could be construed at a laser dot used by guns to train on a target - harmless in itself.

John Tucker John Tucker
Recommendations: 4

You had calmly above, so change the first sentence to 'The Clone strolled over...' strolled imples calm. Take out the 'that' and add a period to the last sentence.

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Landan Reimer Landan Reimer
Recommendations: 5

Audeamus Complex Pt 1: Beginnings


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She had a friend.

the doctor is in


      “What is the difference then? Are you saying that we don’t have souls? What do you define the soul as, just the innate ability to tell right from wrong?” 2 comments


       Dr. Richards let out a sigh and stopped poring over his computer and turned to face The Clone. “No, the soul is an unquantifiable thing. It isn’t as simple as the mere idea of right and wrong, it creates pull and sway on the human existence. It isn’t something I can explain to something like you, you can’t understand” 1 comment


       “I am you, body, mind and soul. Emphasis on the soul. The fact you can’t prove it, means you can’t disprove it as well. I feel joy at humanities triumphs, and sorrow at our defeats. I –“


     Dr. Richards let out a derisive laugh. “Our defeats? You aren’t human. You're an image in the mirror, a mere reflection of our greatness. You don’t call a mirror human, it looks like you and mimics your every movement, yet its shallow, it has no soul” 2 comments


       “Your argument is flawed, a fortiori, for a mirror has no ability to think rationally and reason. You are so scared of change, yet you are the one who holds the keys to it all. The world will not remember the man who was too scared to go forward. They will remember the man who broke boundaries.”


       “Look, there’s no reason to continue trying to appeal to my pride. I know what’s at stake, and I know what I have to do. That’s how I know that I have a soul and you don’t.” Dr. Richards stepped away from the table and walked over to his clone. “Tomorrow morning, the report will leave in the mail and the government will believe that you and any more of your kind will be a threat to humanity.” 1 comment


       “To be honest, I knew you would go this way.” The Clone calmly looked into the man he had once looked up to, but who he now perceived as small and weak. He realized the irony that they were identical in every way, yet so different. Maybe it meant that he didn’t have a soul, but he didn’t care anymore. He refused to believe that one man's fear would mean the death of humankind's next great advancement. 1 comment


       Dr. Richards could see there was darkness behind The Clone's eyes now. He didn’t understand what it meant, but he began to feel fear. As The Clone reached behind him, the doctor feared the worst and began to back up rapidly, putting space between them.He turned and ran to the door. One shot rang out and Dr. Richards fell to the floor, a growing red stain between his shoulder blades. 1 comment


       The Clone strolled over to the body and began to take personal effects off the deceased doctor. Wallet, keys, phone and name-tag. Finally he straightened up and clipped the name tag to his shirt. He walked to the door and turned to the corpse. “I do feel bad, although I am beginning to doubt that I have a soul.” Then the new Dr. Richards began the short walk to the mail room to cancel his report. 1 comment


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