Leoni Carlson Leoni Carlson
Recommendations: 12

"it is a really funny story but lets not think about that." Might be better put "Now that was a funny story." You don't have to include the reading audience in your personas thoughts. He should think as naturally as possible. Your persona is pretty good, but you need to make sure you stay in character. Without realizing you can come out of it and say something the way you would normally. Maybe go through and make sure everything lines up with your characters way of thinking.

Leoni Carlson Leoni Carlson
Recommendations: 12

"I look shocked." Sounds like your watching yourself which of course you as the writer would be if you're imagining the scene. But it would be more believable if you describe his shock through your characters eyes..he might not know how shocked he looks. For example, " "Is it true you're gay?" I look up, shocked by his question. How does a new kid know about the rumour from last year? ......."

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Caitlin Spence Caitlin Spence
Recommendations: 1

so far from perfect part : 2

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so far from perfect part ;1
so far from perfect part :3

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Under the Double Star - Chapter One

just the carry on from the start pls read

      chapter 1 part 2

my school has not changed much from last year. the only changes im really noticing is the new teachers and water fountain that is right next door to the canteen. this allows me to pretend i want a drink and then just skip the line. easy as pie. last year it was not there making things hard as our lunch break is usually around 10 to 30 minutes long and does not allow much allocated time to get lunch, eat , get a drink or go to the loo.the loo in our school is a porter loo as of last year the loo block got burnt to the ground.it is really a funny story how it happened but lets not think about that. 1 comment

my first class of today starts in 5 minutes which means i should probably be walking up to the door of my class room instead im concentrating on who will be in my classes this year. our school does not go on  age it go's mostly on if we have brains or not.i do not have brains according to them as im always in the dummy classes. by no means am i complaining about it i like not having to use my brain strenuously.

my first class is maths. the usual call the roll deal make sure none of us are waging and getting to know each other by answering questions. some guy called luke puts his hand up i wanna ask a question to tj (tj is my nickname it stands for tyler james). the teacher of course lets him ask it. his guestion goes a little like this "is it true that your gay?" i look shocked (how can this new kid know about the rumor from last year) i answer " no im not gay im as straight as your ruler and i take offence to your question" i then proceed to get up off my chair and walk outside so i dont punch this little arse hole fair in the head. 1 comment

5 minutes latter i feel fingers around my arm . then i see painted finger nails. i look over my shoulder and see sky shes only 15 at the moment but god she is so hot. she is new two. i ask her politely "can you please leave me alone?" she looks at me and replies softly "no im afraid i cant do that" i look at her stunned she actually wants to see me in foul mood.i ask her "why are you out here with me" she replies "i wanted to get to know you . because you simply seem interesting" i smile no one not my mother nor my dad have ever called me interesting.

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