Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

It would help us to make comments if you put spaces between your paragraphs. i should always be 'I'. 2nd para. space after f.s.

Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

2nd para. space after commas.

Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

You say it is a rushed job, but you do need to look at your punctuation and spaces, more carefully.

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Raven Roads Raven Roads
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Darkborn Chapter 3


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Under the Double Star - Chapter One

This is all i could write cause i gotta go. but help me and give opinions! thanks guys


      My eyes swept over the horizon, as I swung my sword absently trying to keep my body occupied while my mind did its job. I sighed and looked down. Maybe Brendan was right. a rebellion against the knix was insanity. But then again, that's my department, But it would end with so many deaths of our kind. It would most likely end with our genocide just as Brendan said. I shook my head and stabbed my sword into the dirt. I knew that this would happen. I will do this, for the memory of my mother and my Father. He would encourage me to wage this war. I looked up to the moon and knew my decision was made.


"Brendan come here," I said quietly.He ran up to me and said," Whats up?" I looked at him and he groaned. "Really man?" I laughed and picked up my sword. " I won't have us as slaves to the Knix anymore Brendan. I would see all humans as free as you and me." He rose a eyebrow and said,"we aren't free. These bar codes on our wrist keep us slaves. They could track us down anytime, don't you see they're just toying with us." I looked at my wrist and then at my sword.
        
       "I... I think i may have a solution for that." I sheathed my sword and grabbed the knife from my boot. I took a deep breath and stabbed the knife into the middle of the bar code. I grunted in pain and twisted the knife. I almost blacked out from the pain, but I stood still and took the knife out. At the end of it was a little electric bug. Brendan stared at me in horror, but I smiled in Triumph.
      
       I held the knife out to him and he shook his head. I rolled my eyes and said,"Stop being such a coward, you want to be free? Well freedom isn't free." He took a deep breath and took the knife from my hands. I tore a piece of my shirt off and wrapped it around my wrist. He yelled in pain as he plunged the knife into his wrist. He twisted slowly and took the knife out quickly. He dropped the knife and collapsed on the ground. I laughed softly and walked over to him. His eyes were closed and he was completely still. 3 comments


I leaned down and put my ear next to his mouth. He was breathing softly, and I laughed. Brendan is a brave person and an amazing General when it comes to strategy, but his resistance to pain was never too great. I sat down next to him and laid back. The stars had started to come out and I smiled. The world has so much beauty. Why break its beauty with the blood of thousands, Humans and Knix alike?


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