Harry Wells Harry Wells
Recommendations: 15

Bhaskar, here are the comments you lost. It's better not to carry over a sentence from the last line of one verse to the first line of a following verse. It looks clumsy unless you're very clever with it. In the third verse, first line, you don't need the 'and ' after 'foliage'. Use a comma instead after foliage. You need to make the adjective 'tranquil' into the noun 'tranquility'. Try to avoid the use of multiple dots as in third line, verse 7. They are meaningless. It's a bad habit to use exclamation marks for emphasis. Make your words do the work of emphasis. 'ken' means 'range of knowledge'. Is that what you wanted to say? Thanks for taking on board my other suggestions for your lyric poem.

Harry Wells Harry Wells
Recommendations: 15

Bhaskar, I don't understand the use of 'vice' in the final verse. Also you need to keep the verb tenses together. 'who has' sound better.

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Bhaskar Thakuria Bhaskar Thakuria
Recommendations: 3

AN ODE TO SOLITUDE PART III


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soul mates

The sun, when it reaches those dizzying heights,
Leaves behind the distasteful remembrance
And traces of a land sweating out
The humdrum and solitude of a sultry night.


I cross the one path I had cleared last night
And reach nearer to the breezy coasts
As my dusty and sweaty hands
Clear with all my might


The dense foliage,shrubs and the undergrowth.
They crackle in the night air,
And disturb the tranquility
That pervades these groves. 1 comment


I reach the sunbathed coast of a lost day
And lay foot on the
Froth-kissed repose of sundown; I kiss the balmy air
Of this soothing evening and welcome the bay.


I leave my clothes in the sand,all except
My spare loin clothe, tense with the rising thrill
Of nature's urges,
And they stick together swept 1 comment


And swayed by the briny spray.
They are very grazed and abrasive
After being cast out in the rising sun
Where, under the heat of midday, I mused and laid.


I dip myself in the waters, now cool
and tempting; and I hoped I would lay there
Throughout now and eternity-a passable existence,
This divine pool. 1 comment


Through the visions that my drunken gaze
Gathered of this vast prospect, this wasteland,
I can see the submerged wreck,
Its untimely grave.


Then the visions of the days past disturb my ken
When I see them hovering in those ruinous depths
As restless souls caught by
The sudden fury of wrathful men.


I am the only vice who had cast his lot on virgin lands;
These sudden remembrances never leave me now
In my hapless wanderings
As I cast eyes on my lot and see blood on my hands! 1 comment


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