Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

I think that maybe a different word, like know or understand or detect or discern instead of "read" might make this a little smoother for me, and easier to discern.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

every comment is a valid point. I will fix any sentence structure or verbiage after the entire narrative is completed. at this point in time, I wish only to get the "bones" of the story out...will flesh it out when my narrative is concluded and I may go back and enhance.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

How about, "With her 'inner eye' she perceived volumes within moments"? or something like that.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

How about, "As a whole, it 'spoke' to her concerning the unfolding of the situation to come." or some such thing.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

How about "A'th'n's (do I have that right?) look of intense concentration made Soru, who was already standing besides the Primae, cry out as whe witnessed A'th'n's internal struggle. Sorry, it's late at night as I review this, and I should already be in bed. I hope I am making some sense.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

I would make two sentences of this. "...Soru, in a high state of anticipation, held her staff in the ready position. Neith, howeer, could not see what it was that had put her on her guard.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Jim, it appears you have a great deal to say. how about I allow you to finish it; then I will read your comments and correct as it should be.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

Under the Double Star - Chapter Thirty-One

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      Though A'th'n was, now, so focused on protecting F'lisa, she did not sense the

CHTHNONIAN's mental buildup of raw psychic energy or "read" what he had planned, 2 comments

she was still able to partition her concentration that she was able to discern the

immediate area around herself.

     What her "inner eye" perceived told her volumes within the lapse of a few moments. 1 comment

     All of it as a whole spoke seriously of how the situation would unfold. 1 comment

     The look of intense concentration made Soru, already standing besides the Primae, 1 comment

to cry out as she witnessed the internal struggle that A'th'n was enduring.

     Neith wiped the blood off her cutlass then looked towards the spot where Soru,

with her staff in the ready position, was in a state of anticipation of something Neith 2 comments

could not see.

     It seemed that Neith trusted in the ALLIAN's instincts, because she did not

hesitate to run to the opposite side of her transformed sister, in readiness for

whatever Soru sensed.

     While this occurred, the Primae incarnations, now, aware of the threat, attempted

to break through the CHTHNONIAN's mind shield to assess his action in an effort to

warn A'th'n.

     Momentarily, catching the CHTHNONIAN as he was in the process of his energy

gathering, the incarnations sensed his intent.

     It being something that had never been attempted before they had not a quick

solution by which to advise A'th'n.

     The CHTHNONIAN re-established the mental power he had allowed to ebb as he

was in the midst of powering up all the energy necessary for him to strike the Primae

in her most vulnerable spot.

   As his power up continued, he allowed his shield to strengthen again but could not

apprise his "brother" of his plan. All he could hope for is when he began his assault,

his "brother" would follow suit.

   Then, satisfied he was in full control of all aspects of their creation, he summoned


    As THE SHADOWS firmed up in substance enough, for his purpose, he released them

upon all the occupants of the cell.

   It was the CHTHNONIAN's intent to mask his true target from the Primae until it was

too late for her intervention.

    All he needed was the chosen target to reach the Primae's side for him to bring

about her demise.

     Both, Soru and Neith, now, on either side of the Primae, prepared themselves to

engage any hostility that might distract the Primae from her course of action.

     Suddenly, all around them, they saw the formation and subsequent attack of

swirling dark, foreboding images. It was difficult to say what they truly were since

their shapes were ,constantly, in flux.

     Everywhere, they, both, looked they saw all the others begin to, individually,

battle these shifting images, each in their own way.

     All but Idon, who did not engage; instead looked their way, then became


     Idon started to fight his way to them through the shimmering chaos.

     It appeared he was attempting to shout something at them but neither of them

could make it out.

     It was a warning but it came too late.

     The mental blast from the CHTHNONIAN overwhelmed his chosen target.

     Her senses reeling, she fell upon the ground, in total paralysis; her mind

totally assaulted.

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