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Jessica Benton Jessica Benton
Recommendations: 2

Envy


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She had a friend.

      "He's not sitting with me like he normally does..." I selfishly and unfaithfully think to myself. " He's been blowing me off all night... Did I do something? Did I not? Is he mad?" My mind runs wild. As I turn my head to look at him I see he's holding hands with 1 of the new girls.


                                           . . .


"Stop!" My brain yells at my heart. " He's moved on. At least he's happy. That he deserve that. And you little Missy have a boyfriend. I realize he may not make you feel the same way but... MOVE ON! If your boyfriend isn’t right. END IT!"


    


I hated the thought of having to do that but I knew it was right. Even though my friend had just previously told me the same. I am a stubborn idiot.



A friendly nudge in an inquiry of, " Jess are you okay?" Interrupts my thoughts. And look over in fake a smile and reply with a simple head nod. As a snap back into reality I realize there are tears rolling down my cheeks. Even though, few and far between, it is still very noticeable.



I shake it off and try to pay attention to the lesson that our dear youth leader is teaching us. He is reading from Isaiah. I catch the last 2 verses he reads. Chapter 53 verses 2 and 3.


    


" He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty of majesty to attract us  to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.”



Though to some it may not seem very... Important. This hit me like a freight train without brakes.


                                        . . .


I looked at the time and was glad to see you there wasn't much time left. All I had to do was hold my tears and emotion back for 5 more minutes. Easy right? Wrong! They were the worst and longest 5 minutes of my life.


    


As the lights came up, I put my "Bible" in my pocket, helped put the couches back, and rushed outside. I have never been more relieved to see my mother. While walking out, I passed him...



      " Well bye." I hear him say.


      " Bye." I say passively.


      " What no hug?" My heart screams at my brain to say no but my heart takes over.


      " If you want one you'll have to come here." I respond.


      "Ughhh.... Fine..." He give me a wimpy ass side hug. He turns away to see the girl home. I see this is his girlfriend. I look at him and mouth the words "I love you".


                                    . . .


     He walks over to say hello to my mom. The first normal thing he's done all night. He leans in the driver's window while talking to her. I roll down my window and attempt not to make eye contact. Not easy. I tried to ignore him completely and do my own thing but I was unable to totally accomplish this "simple" task.


    


Finally they're done and we hit the road to home. I turn KLOVE on in hopes of changing my thoughts and keep  from crying. Nope. Not a single word is said.  I just sit and silently fight off tears. Just like normal. So there's nothing normal about my situation. I feel horrible all I want to do is curl up in someone, anyone’s lap and cry. A long hard cry for as long as my body, heart, mind, and soul need too.


                    . . .


Yet I still hide the tears from my mother, my friends, everyone. I try to speak to them about these kinds of things but the second I do, or try to my eyes fill with tears and I get super flustered. I force the tears back and try to change the subject. Some of my friends go along with it. Others like Nichole, Jonah, and Jordan read me like an open book.


I am terrible at lying as well as hiding things. I carry my emotions around like a child would their favorite toy or teddy bear. It is a trait I truly despise about myself, but I am who I am and no one but me can change that.


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