Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Just a few suggestions: Second sentence the words "with in" should be combined to make it "within". While there really isn't much difference in the meaning either way it is considered grammatically correct to combine the words.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

I would consider removing the words I placed in parentheses in your last sentence. "When day would break through her window she would feel another part of herself die (in) knowing she had to put on (just) another performance of normalcy." The sentence would really read smoother. Plus the words aren't really needed to get idea. In creative writing sometimes simpler is better.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

"This girl was so much more keen...." the way this sentence is structured suggests a comparison but the reader is not given any thing to compare it with. She is more keen at recognizing the smaller things than what? Maybe you could say "This girl was very keen at..."

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Did you mean "...how it illuminated th grass (and) thought the earth..."?

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

"She would notice the tiny bird (flying) in circles...."

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Should it be "locked up" instead of "located up"?

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

I really like the sentence " Every warm tear that ran down her cheek erupted just another terrible thought in her head." but again it would flow better if you took out the word "just".

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Probably a typo but the word in parentheses should be corrected: "and the family that she (had) thought..."

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Also you need to capitalize the word "I" in your third sentence.

Warren Gates Warren Gates
Recommendations: 23

Sunshine is freedom, the girl is the sunshine and so can do what she wants. This is an interesting view of sunshine in the middle of this disturbing ramble.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

"...a funny thought (creep)..."

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Pheobe Myers Pheobe Myers
Recommendations: 9

sunshine


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She had a friend.

There once was a beautiful girl. She acted so strong. Everyday she would smile and do things like others but she was losing the battle with in herself. She never slept anymore. She would listen to the silence and hear the words in it. When day would break through her window she would feel another part of herself die in knowing she had to put on just another performance of normalcy. 2 comments


      This girl was so much more keen at recognizing the smallest things around her. She would notice the sunshine bouncing off of objects and how it illuminated the grass of thought the earth dancing in the wind. She would notice the tiny bird dying in circles ahead of her singing its bitter sweet song. She noticed the pain in people's eyes as they preformed just like her. 3 comments


  
       She felt so guilty. She had completely demolished families and businesses all because she tried to help. They told her terrible things. Things like she was lower than garbage and needs to be located up so she couldn't hurt anyone anymore. That's what they do with monsters.... so that's where she belonged. At night she would cry. Every warm tear that ran down her cheek erupted just another terrible thought in her head. Their words... their bitter words cut daggers into her heart. She knew that deep down she was good. No one would ever believe that now. 2 comments



    And so she sits. She doesn't talk to anyone anymore. She has lost all of her dearest friends, her once loyal boyfriend, and the family that she haf thought would always be there for her. But i guess when push comes to shove no one wants to comfort a beast. She sits away from others. Wallowing in the darkness that consumes her. She knows she is a monster. A beast that is nothing but destruction. A disgraceful excuse for a creature that needs to be put down. 2 comments



    Put down. They do that to bad dogs. She knew that she was worse than just bad dogs. She knew everyone would be happier. So she planned. She had the cup of bleach and a letter. But as she planned she realized that the last thing that she wanted to see was the sunshine. The beautiful simple sunshine as it burst through a window. It was so graceful. It didn't ask to be seen it simply did it. As she thought her last thoughts she realized something powerful. Something life changing. Something that could touch a monster's heart. She was the sunshine. It did what it wanted and didn't demand any attention in doing so. The wise would notice her as the others would look past. Sometimes she burnt and hurt people unknowingly. But all in a lol she was good. She was pure. No matter what evil she might cause she knew she was good. 1 comment


    She then had a funny thought creeper into her mind. Its a crime to commit suicide because its illegal to destroy government property. Funny. 1 comment


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