Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Nice opening paragraph. A Good way to start a story - with that sense of dread stealing over. I like it. Very cool!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - As they finished packing up Jo’s 03 Suzuki Grand Vitara - " If I may, offer a small thing: It isn't necessary to add the make of the vehicle. Saying " - As they finished packing the car/truck... - " is adequate, as adding car make and model (specifics) only makes people try to imagine (or quite possibly GOOGLE the car) taking away from the fluidity of the story. By saying 'car' or 'truck' people will automatically imagine the nearest thing they can, and do it without much thought, which will, in turn, allow them the vital concentration that the overall theme of the story requires to understand and sympathize with Jocelyn.

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Jessica Benton Jessica Benton
Recommendations: 2

Strong Emotion


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She had a friend.

Fiction I Promise :)


Tears ran silently down her face. She sat motionless on her bed, unable to fully comprehend what the doctor over at Littleton Adventist just told her. Her phone lay in her lap still lit up from the phone call. She felt as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders, and she couldn’t shake it. 1 comment


She felt the words of the doctor branded on her soul. The one that stood out the most was “dead.” Her phone was constantly lighting up again and again, as it exploded with texts from friends asking where she was. After all, she hadn’t been at school for three days.


It wasn’t until her friend Jake came over that she realized she hadn’t moved in hours. As it registered that he was standing in front of her, Jocelyn questioned how he got in. Then she remembered that  he knew the neighbor’s had a key. As he came closer Jake could see immediately that his assumptions were correct. Something was terribly wrong..


He walked up and enveloped her in a strong embrace. He said nothing for he knew she would tell him when she was ready. After an hour of utter silence, she finally spoke. The words that came out were quiet and scratchy.


       “She’s dead…” she said, unable to shed another tear.


       “Who?” Jake asked with sad curiosity.


       “My mom…” She whispered almost inaudibly. “Jake… I don’t know what to do.. I have over a year before I turn 18 and I don’t think I can live with my dad for that long..”


       “Jo, look at me.” Jake replied as he as he gently lifted her chin so they were face to face. “I am always here for you. If you ever need to get away my doors are always open to you.”


After another hour of talking about everything but her mother’s death, Jocelyn finally composed herself enough to start packing up the house. Jake made a quick phone call home to tell his mother that he wouldn’t be home until the next day, maybe later. They began with the basement. They took trash bags down and started throwing everything that was no longer needed or donatable away. As the day went on the house became more and more empty.


The last room that Jocelyn and Jake had to pack up was her mother’s. Jo kept a few t-shirts and some family heirloom jewelry and again donated the rest. As they finished packing up Jo’s 03 Suzuki Grand Vitara with the few possessions that she wanted to keep, Jake and Jocelyn headed off. They stopped at her father’s house to grab a few more things and then headed to Jake’s house. 1 comment


Jocelyn had no desire to be with her father at this time, so she crashed at Jake’s for a few days.


~~@@~~@@~~
Fast forward a year and Jo is hugging Jake goodbye thanking him for all that he has done for her, as she heads off to war in some remote corner of the country. This was the last they would see each other for upwards of three years.


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