Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

This opening paragraph is very well written but the over use of the word "now" is a little distracting. The first one is fine and makes complete sense and establishes the present tense and compares it to an abstract time in the past (not yet revealed) but perhaps consider changing "reduces to an animal now" and "the periphery of her mind now" to "reduced to an animal". (Just my own opinion)

Don Yarber Don Yarber
Recommendations: 42

the thorns and tree limbs she raced "through"...

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - She was on autopilot now, her instincts had kicked in. All other components of her brain had shut down. She was reduced to an animal now; it was the same instinct that drives deer to freeze in the road. For them it was an instinct to hide, to blend in. For her it was flight, run as fast and hard as she could. - " I appreciate the intensity of this opening paragraph. The words themselves - your ability to conjure an emotional height so quickly, somehow slaps your reader awake, garnering an immediate response. If I may - offer a tidbit of advice... Opening with a thought - a compelling emotion - that is driven by such a thing as terror should be told with an exclamation mark ( Run! ) otherwise it lacks that emotionally driven quality - that certain gripping spark that is intended. Also, it is important to use thoughts in italics early on as to distinguish thoughts from "dialogue." *By using this little trick, you allow your reader the presence of thought. You may need to do this two or three times before it becomes obvious when thoughts are apparent, and the more you use this technique the less you will have to say - he/she thought... - After a few times it will become rather obvious that a thought is taking place. One final thing: the word "threw" in this paragraph should be "through." Hope this helps.

Allen Clarke Allen Clarke
Recommendations: 18

Would the indication of gunfire be more effectively expressed as sounding like...pop..pop..pop? And, just for added dramatic effect, maybe have a bullet ricochet off of a nearby tree or rock. Just adding my two cents worth.

Allen Clarke Allen Clarke
Recommendations: 18

Sorry, I see now that you did include the effects of gunfire. My mistake.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - She was almost blind now in one eye. - " This sentence, though short and seemingly significant hinders the paragraph, acting rather like a speed-bump, taking away - if only momentarily - from the action. By not using this, you allow your reader freedom of mind, allowing them to naturally to conjure images of gunfire - bullets whizzing by close to her head.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

"was her eyes playing tricks on her?"

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

try knew instead of new "'Get up!' She (knew) they were still back there behind her,"

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

The pain bolted through her, like a wave it rushed (threw) her head. The word in parentheses should be "through".

Allen Clarke Allen Clarke
Recommendations: 18

`The pain shot through her like LIGHTNING.`

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Allan Garrett Allan Garrett
Recommendations: 2

Homecoming


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Under the Double Star - Chapter One

Prologue



Run.


It was all she could think about, Run. She was on autopilot now, her instincts had kicked in. All other components of her brain had shut down. She was reduced to an animal now; it was the same instinct that drives deer to freeze in the road. For them it was an instinct to hide, to blend in. For her it was flight, run as fast and hard as she could. Stopping from the pain caused by thorns lashing at her naked skin wasn’t an option. The pain was on the periphery of her mind now. She was outside it. She knew the thorns and tree limbs she raced threw were shredding the skin on her thighs, it didn’t matter. She knew if she stopped, she was dead. Or worse. 3 comments


Pop. That sound again. She had heard it as she was running down the hill, it didn’t register then. But now it did, it was gunfire. They were shooting at her. All this did was drive her to run faster. Now she knew she was dead if she faltered. They were going to kill her. Pop. The tree bark shredded off the tree as she passed, bits of the tree hit her face, and in her eye. She was almost blind now in one eye. Her eyes began to water; she was losing her focus on what was in front of her. ‘Run faster’, was the whisper in her head. Her stomach tightened, her legs began to cramp, and she felt the pain tear at her rib cage. Her body was fighting her now, exhaustion setting in. 3 comments


‘What is that?’ The lighting was changing; the woods weren’t as dark as before. Or were her eyes playing trick on her? Her focus was so poor she couldn’t tell. It got brighter still. ‘Yes!’ It was real. There was a break in the trees. She could swear what she saw in front of her was a road. ‘Oh, God. Please’. She pushed herself harder, blinded by the pace of her running and the bark still in her eyes she almost missed seeing the barbwire fence. It registered in her brain; She tried to pace herself right. ‘Now!’ She hurdled the fence, but she had never been an athlete, never played a sport in school. Her foot hit the top wire of the fence. A barb snagged at the top of her foot, burying itself deep into her flesh. The weight of her body falling forward dragged the barb down the length of her foot, tearing a gash all the way down to her toes. She landed hard, face first in the mud. Then she felt the pain, the pain from her foot washed away all the pain of exhaustion. ‘Get up!’ She new they were still back there behind her, she could hear them. Turning back to look for the road, she could see it now, her eyes were clearing. ‘200 yards?’ She didn’t know, she just knew she had to keep running, her life depended on making it to that road. 2 comments


She dragged herself to her feet. When she put her weight on her right foot she almost collapsed. The pain shot through her like lightening. ‘Run!!’ Pushing the pain to the back of her mind she drove herself forward. ‘I’m going to make it!’ She told herself. Running as hard as she could for that road, blood pouring from her injured foot. ‘I’m going to live!’ She saw the creek, ‘Three feet?’ She smiled, the fence didn’t stop her the creek was going to be a snap. ‘Just have to time it right’ She thought to herself. She adjusted her weight, readying for the leap. She was concentrating on the hurdle so hard she didn’t see the rock. It wasn’t a big rock, only the size of softball. ‘Now!’ She threw her right foot down hard to push off for the jump. Her foot landed on that rock, her ankle fractured. The pain bolted through her, like a wave it rushed threw her head. She blacked out, mid jump. Her leg gave way to the failed ankle. Her body was thrown forward into the creek; the black out caused her to make no attempt to break her fall. The second rock finished the job. Her head landed squarely on it. Had she not blacked out before she hit the ground, the sound of the skull fracture might have been noticeable to her. She laid there, face down in the creek. Her body lifeless, yet still alive. The water rushing over her, cleaning the mud and grime of the woods off her naked body. 2 comments


The cold water started to bring her back to consciousness, her eyes began to open. The pain from her head wound was masking the pain from her foot. ‘Get up!’ She told her self. Her body refused. The exhaustion, the injury, the extreme cold of the water; all of these things combined to hold her down, motionless in that creek.  ‘I just need to rest for a second’ She told herself. Her eyes closed. She thought she heard the leaves rustle behind her.
Pop. It was the last sound she heard.


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