Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - It was like a vicious starved dragon roaring its last before taking its own life in strife. - " I like the imagery! Awesome!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - The ivy leaped over the last metatarsal in his feet and into the evergreen grass. - " The word "metatarsal" is confusing and immediately disrupts the smooth flow of the sentence. In writing (fiction) stories it is important to use words, phrases etc. (unless absolutely necessary) that are easily understood and immediately defined - words that provoke an immediate mental picture/image in one's brain, as to not take away the flow from the story itself. So if the word 'metatarsal' (which many people will not immediately grasp) can be, say...changed to 'foot' or 'toes' then the piece will flow that much easier and bring to mind an immediate image response.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - he smiled economically ... - " Saying something like " - with a slight smile... - " or " - "With the slightest grin... - " would come across in a way that is much easier digested provoking an immediate image without any confusion or speed-bump taking away from the natural fluidity of the sentence.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - He reached up to his thinning black hair and grabbed a handful. He began to tear. He ripped all at once pulling out his hair. Tiny blood spots appeared instantly on his resented scalp. He began to shove the hair down his hair down his throat. Claire winced at the horrific sight. His eyes were filled with tears but he smiled wickedly all the same. - " Oooh...now that is scary! Yikes!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - And like a slithering snake his voice was like powerful rushing water becoming a tantalizing roar. - " I like this sentence. So raw and inspiring, revealing - a power that is both poetic and dangerous, sweetly offered with the utmost dire result just waiting to lash out and devour. Awesome!

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Pheobe Myers Pheobe Myers
Recommendations: 9

claire


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She had a friend.

this is a lil exert of a book i am currently working on. :)


As the waves of billowing thunder rolled across the sleepy forest Claire felt the warm sticky air fill her lungs. Every fiber of her existence wailed and pleaded for her to run; yet she was frozen. Claire enslaved herself into a trance staring into the thick dark thunder clouds blanketing the evergreen skyline.she knew as she felt the unmistakable tug in her stomach evil had arrived. A evil that was so much deeper than any mortal fear. A evil that can torture a soul for eons by simply laying a eye on it. The evil radiated misery and suffering.  Claire became cold and clammy. Goosebumps danced across her skin.


A deafening roar ripped through the air. It was like a vicious starved dragon roaring its last before taking its own life in strife. It slammed and tore at Claire's eardrums making her wince in pain. Lightening struck dancing across the sky in a awe inspiring crack. And just for a second she was unfocused. It wasn't a mistake that would be forgiven. She felt a shallow frozen breath on the nape of her neck. Unwilling she spun and readies herself for her deepest fear. The creature that would be the eternal miserable death of her.the creature was Sabine. 1 comment


Claire's large calculating bluish green eyes studied him. A bead of sweat rolled down her head in slow motion. her stomach churned inside out as butterflies tore away at her insides. Sabine's face was pale as snow. His face was a onslaught of skeletal features. Every bone of his body stuck out grotesquely making him appear as a skeleton with flesh leisurely tossed on. His eyes were deeply sunken and erratic. There was black swirling in them. The black of his eyes began to fade into a ivy tattoo slithering down his scrawny tall frame dancing across his bones and veins.he was naked. As the ivy danced across the protruding bones of his feet claire was shocked at the sight of his disgusting yellowed broken toenails. The ivy leaped over the last metatarsal in his feet and into the evergreen grass.as soon as it touched the lush green all fauna and plant life died instantly within one hundred feet. 1 comment


Claire's eyes shot to his. They were now a blood shot unsettling ice blue that were staring daggers into her soul.he smiled economically revealing his wicked sharp rotten fangs where his teeth should have been. He reached up to his thinning black hair and grabbed a handful. He began to tear. He ripped all at once pulling out his hair. Tiny blood spots appeared instantly on his resented scalp. He began to shove the hair down his hair down his throat. Claire winced at the horrific sight. His eys were filled with tears but he smiled wickedly all the same. 2 comments


He raced to claire stopping right in from of her. She was frozen struck with fear. Her nose was not even a inch away from his sickly chest. His smell was so overpowering. Claire felt as though she might pass out of the mere stench of him. It was of rotting death and dark evil. He raised his slender hand twiddeling his long thin fingers. His fingenails were just as long and yellowed as his toenails. Claire felt him starring her down. He pushed a small lock of wave from claire's face. She felt extremely exposed and fragile. He grabbed her face viciously yanking it up to his. Claires eyes felt as wide as saucers. He looked her up and down angrily. He proceeded to do something claire didnt even expect. He began to lick her face maliciously. She could feel the tiny pieces of her he hadnt quite swallowed swimming on her face. He began to choke her. She started to fight him off in a panic. He smiled. He licked her large pink lips and slammed her face into the dead earth. The pain of the blow left her numb lying there.


With a trickle of blood streaking down the right Sid of her face she saw him domineering over her. A smile engulfing his face. I smile cruel and blood thirsty. A crack of thunder ripped claire's heart and ears. Sabine knelt down next to her. And like a slithering snake his voice was like powerful rushing water becoming a tantalizing roar. He spoke the words. Claire had hoped with her entire being to never hear. The words that damned her soul to hell. The words that shattered all hope and any memory of hope. From his dry and crusted smelly mouth uttered the godforsaken words, "hello. Claire Grimm." 1 comment


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