Paul Butters Paul Butters
Recommendations: 3

22\7\14 - Paragraph was amended on advice of Leslie Blackwell. Basically lengthened description but shortened the action for more punch.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

Not enough contrast with the previous paragraph.

Paul Butters Paul Butters
Recommendations: 3

First para reworked now.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

Mmm, if you want to be more inviting, you'll have to make the voice of the protagonist a little more neutral.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

It looked would read better as It looks. That way it sounds as though these are a continuation of the character's thoughts other than a break from dialogue to narration back to dialogue. Or at least that is how I interpreted it.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

It reads too interactive--that is creepy.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

I don't know about creepy. "So I chose a random gap in the jungle and started walking towards it.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Start paragraph with another word, something other than "so" which you started last paragraph with. Always nice not to start two paragraphs with the same word.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

Okay, this sounds like standard science fiction.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

The protagonist is experiencing culture shock and is gender queer?

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

not so much culture shock, more unfamiliarity of the environment. Have no idea how you come to the conclusion that the protagonist is queer Mike. Me thinks you are just trying to be funny and failing miserably at it.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

This is confusing. Is the voice talking to Paul his own or from someone else? It is not clear, though I would guess that it is someone else's. Try to give more respect to the sea if you are writing a science fiction novel, which genre often deals with geographic bodies.

Paul Butters Paul Butters
Recommendations: 3

The "voice" is Paul's ie mine. I am on my own. Did toy with italicising it but that seemed too obvious.

Paul Butters Paul Butters
Recommendations: 3

Ah! Correction. It's an italics fail on my part. Not true to the original on "Word" which WAS in italics. AMENDED along with one other error in next paragraph.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

The "I" here seems to refer to you, the author. Is this the intended tone of voice? I am guessing it is not.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Homer: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

Consider synonyms for "pondered".

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

This sentence isn't that bad. Could be better.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

Works well with the previous sentence, but I anticipate you'll have a headache editing both. Consider breaks.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

beach volleyball can be a spectacle even on alien planets.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

A large swathe of the population does not in fact know what Star Trek is. Another large swathe of the population likes all the same science fiction you do __except__ for Star Trek.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

such a comment should be treated with the contempt it deserves from the countless millions of fans world wide.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

It's overly dramatic, though. Please make this excessive amount of drama encapsulated within the protagonist or else expand upon the voices in the chapter.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

we glad you improve Mr Starr. Though I would hardly call this overly dramatic.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

Is this autobiographical or fictional?

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

I read a fantasy novel when I was younger that had a bauble in it.

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

You should really use more punchy, descriptive body and spacing words like "prostration".

Michael Starr Michael Starr
Recommendations: 0

The chapter is kind of short, which I think might lend to its being less publishable, but I myself like it that way.

Paul Butters Paul Butters
Recommendations: 3

I've gotten used to writing 400 word short stories for a rather low quality site. When I tried writing a novelette I went round in circles for 10,000 words. Got used to sprinting rather than distance...Will have to retrain myself.

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Paul Butters Paul Butters
Recommendations: 3

Wormhole Chapter One


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She had a friend.

Imagine being engulfed by a wormhole


WTF?

Walking down a dreary suburban British street, on a cold wet day, I suddenly saw a swirling "tunnel" heading straight towards me. Before I knew it I was flying through the air. Lights flashing everywhere. Whoosh! 1 comment


Then I was sprawled out on… sand! What’s happened? I pushed myself up and clambered to my feet. Palm trees! Jungle. Long curving beach. Sea. Blue sky with fluffy white clouds. High, snow-capped mountains in the far distance beyond the trees. A breathtakingly beautiful tropical scene. Where had dreary Britain gone? 2 comments


That was a wormhole or something I just went through. Like science fiction. OMG.


What’s this hanging round my neck? It looked like a diamond. Okay. The rest of my clothes? All present and correct, if roughed up a little. I’ll keep the gemstone, wherever it might have come from. Best go with the flow. Let’s find some help.

Straight away I searched my pockets and found my mobile phone. It was undamaged from my tumble so I dialled some numbers. No signal. Definitely no signal. 2 comments


Why am I not surprised. Better go find someone. 1 comment


So I pointed myself towards a random gap in the jungle and began to walk towards it. Sea waves made surging sounds behind me. Birdsong greeted me up ahead. Soon I was pushing through some trees. Thankfully the jungle wall gave way to a tropical parkland.
Then a thought occurred to me. What if I need to find my way back to where I started? 2 comments


So I returned to the scrapings on the beach that my body had left. Near the tree-line I found some large pebbles, which I used to build a mini-monument where I’d landed. 1 comment


Satisfied with my work, I returned to that parkland. As I made my way between lots of woods dotted everywhere, I noticed some brightly flowering shrubs and approached them. Such enormous flowers! All sorts of colours. Amazing. And flying amongst them… OMG! Enormous bumble bees! I crept up towards those shrubs as much as I dare. Sure enough each of those bees was about a yard in diameter. My biggest phobia in its biggest ever form. Only consolation: they were not wasps.


But then I noticed something else. Through a gap in the shrubs and trees I could see another gap, in those mountains. And not far above the horizon was… another sun! It was surrounded by red clouds and was either dawning or setting. This sun was smaller than the “main” sun, which I could feel beating on my back. 1 comment


OMG this isn’t Earth. Help! In panic I dashed back to the beach. Then I made myself sit down on a convenient rock.
2 comments


Think Paul, think.

I thought. Then I tried a change of tack: I set off walking along the beach. Any sign of bees and I’ll turn back and try the other way. Or walk next to the sea, away from danger. 3 comments


So off I went on a long walk. How am I going to get out of this one?


After quite a long while I saw a massive headland up ahead, which gave me a definite target. Hopefully there would be some sign of civilisation around the corner. It reminded me of “Planet of the Apes” where they found the “Statue of Liberty” on the seafront. 2 comments


Round that headland I went. Houses! A town. A seaport. Once I had a decent view of that port I sat on a rock and pondered. Would it be safe to go there? Clearly it would be populated by aliens. Would they be friendly? 1 comment


Did I have any option but to go there? No. I steeled myself and carried on. 1 comment


People.

I approached a group of aliens. They were playing beach volleyball by the look of it. Some men but mainly girls. Light brown skin. Laughing and shouting. 2 comments


They’ve seen me.


The group came nearer as I kept walking forward. They had mottled skins and strange markings on their ears and noses.


Like Star Trek. 2 comments


They stopped and stared. I did likewise. 3 comments


They won’t understand me but I’ll have to try to communicate. 1 comment


I opened my arms wide and whined: “I come in peace. From another land. Please, I need you help.”


OMG that bauble round my neck just flashed and glowed! 1 comment


They all looked astonished. Then, one by one these aliens prostrated themselves on the sand before me. 1 comment


One of them spoke: “Greetings my Lord. We are at your service. What would you bid us do?”


English! Can’t be. That bloody gemstone is still flashing. It must be some sort of translator.


No time to argue with myself about that. Must reply.


Me: “I’d like to see your town over there, if that’s okay.”


Alien Leader: “We will escort you immediately My Lord.” 2 comments


Paul Butters


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