Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - Mentally I frown. He’s been awake how long already? He couldn’t make himself coffee? But physically I smile, lean down to kiss him on the cheek and cheerfully reply, “Sure.” - " There is a sense of realism here that is both jarring to the heart and strikingly familiar in a way that I - as well as many other people who have relationships with hardcore gamer's, know and understand. Good stuff!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - Bendy straws make beverages more fun.- " Whether you understand, and whether or not you intended it, I cannot say, but this small, seemingly insignificant sentence flows with character and personality, allowing your readers a glimpse of your character's (as well as your own) bubbly personality. It speaks more volume, wider and farther than what you may have initially intended. It breathes life and substance into the story, whether people catch it or not. I like that. Very cool!

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

My fiance is a Call of Duty maniac, haha, so I kinda took this part of the story out of real life. And YES! I am so happy you got that from the bendy straw thing. I wanted to use it to show her bubbly personality, and also give her a sort of child like innocence.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - I role my eyes knowing he won’t notice. - " role (roll)

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Thanks for that. I get caught up in the moment and make careless mistakes. I'm on my phone right now but I'll fix that when I get back on the laptop.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - “So I was thinking,” I say between sips of my soda. - " .... " - “I sure have. Why don’t we go out and do something fun tonight?” - " - There is a break in the flow of sentences here that does not come across clearly. I think (and only my opinion) that by deleting the sentence " 'I sure have.' " and simply continuing with " 'why don't we go out and do something fun tonight?' " your sentences will pick up easily and smoothly in a more concise transition, making the transition from dialogue to story, quite seamless in terms of continuation.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Hmmm. I imagine Adam's 'uh huh' being more like a question. Kinda like 'is that so?' Or 'have you really?' That Is why Avery replies 'I sure have' Maybe I need to clarify that the 'uh huh' is said in a questioning tone. You think that would help?

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Yes, that would help. By simply adding a question mark or by saying something like "oh yeah?" would help a great deal. By making it a question, would definitely help the piece. Yes.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - You could take me dancing.” I reply wiggling my hips. - " Again...that bubbly personality! Its those little things, like the wiggling of the hips, that offer substance and depth, those subtle movements and actions that make the character pop in the minds of your readers. Awesome!

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Thanks! I definitely draw from my perky side when I write Ave. Haha

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Your perky side...lol...I like that. Sweet and endearing.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - The action took about thirty seconds, but I made sure the story took much, much longer. - " I like the humour in this part. So...gritty and tasteless in a 'highschool' " - girl meets boy, boy removes clothes, girl removes clothes - boy inserts penis in girl's vagina -' " sort of way! Lol!

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Hahaha! I know! I was worried that this part might be kind of awkward to read. Glad you don't think so.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

No, not awkward. Funny. Cute. Silly. Don't be afraid of writing anything that comes to mind, your readers will appreciate the honesty and the humour.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

*Feeling more confident in writing capabilities* hehe

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - I stand up at the foot of my bed, '- " There is a certain way to write in the first person that just may bring the action/thoughts and emotions of your character/s closer to the reader. A little trick I learned awhile ago. It begins with 'the moment' and expresses itself 'for the moment.' Instead of saying 'I stand up at the foot of my bed...' it somehow works on a deeper, more...intimate (not that kind of intimate, lol) 'in the moment' level when written as follows 'Standing at the foot of my bed...' or 'Fumbling through my dresser drawers...' as opposed to ' - I fumble through my dresser drawers... - ' The words 'standing' and 'fumbling' as opposed to 'I stand up...' and 'I fumble...' somehow alleviates any unnecessary actions that require a follow through, by simply putting the reader 'in the moment.' Try it and I guarantee that your work will be that much sharper and more concise and easier to write. I hope this helps.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Oh my goodness, thank you! I absolutely hate that I say 'I do this. I do that' so many times, but I could never really think of a way to fix it. I'll be doing some editing soon.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Example: Changing this... " - I stand up at the foot of my bed, still staring out the window. Blankly. I don’t really know what to think right now. - " to this... " - Standing at the foot of my bed, staring out the window blankly, I don’t really know what to think right now. - " allows it a more concise and thorough read, making it somehow simpler and easier to register.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

This is definitely going to help me. I really appreciate it.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

You are welcome! I'm here to help!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - The main character, Ed, is always having various body parts stolen from him. In this particular scene, two jerks are playing soccer with Ed’s head while his body walks around dumb and confused. - " I find myself enjoying - rather immensely - your creative sprite. That is so funny!

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

This is actually a comic series I created for fun in high-school. Ed also has a girlfriend named Sally who always saves him from the jerks in the end.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

That's awesome! Sounds like a lot of fun!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - She looks guilty of something when I walk into the living room. - " Writing it as follows will open the scene with a rather seamless quality... " - Standing there in the living room, she looks guilty of something. - "

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Justin Pierre is the singer for the band Motion City Soundtrack. These lyrics come from the song It Had To Be You. Look it up if you get the chance!

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Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Avery King Chapter One


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Under the Double Star - Chapter One
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Under the Double Star -Chapter Two

This writing contains explicit content and is only for adults. You have been warned.

Chapter One
      
Avery      

      
The morning sunlight pours through my bedroom window and hurts my tired eyes when I first attempt to open them. I’m seriously not ready to be awake. Sighing heavily, I cover my face with a pillow. I stay this way for a minute or two wishing I could just sleep the day away, and wishing even more that my waking hours could be more like my dreams. I toss the pillow aside and sit up.
      
Unsurprisingly, the spot in bed next to mine is empty. It has been for a few weeks now. My soon to be husband, Adam, hardly sleeps with me through the night anymore. When they gave him his promotion we were overjoyed. God knows we need the money. Since then, though, he’s been bombarded with work, work, and more work. I try my best not to let his distance bother me. I know he’s got a lot on his plate right now. He’ll settle into his new role soon enough and things will go back to normal.
      
An idea springs to life in my mind. Maybe he needs some cheering up. All work and no play is bound to drive a person insane, and I’m missing the happy, fun-loving man I fell in love with. We need to go out and do something. Get his mind out of the office and enjoy ourselves.


I stand, stretch, and grab a ponytail holder off of the night stand to pull my mess of auburn knots back into a loose bun. I hook my glasses on the neckline of my tank top and head downstairs.


Before I’m even halfway to the bottom floor of the townhouse, I can hear Adam’s voice shouting at the television.


“God DAMMIT! You stupid sons of bitches!” Oh great. This early in the morning and he’s already got video game rage. When I reach the bottom of the steps I turn to see him sitting on the edge of the couch seat, x-box controller in hand.


“Morning babe,” I say happily as I inch closer to him. His eyes say glued to the screen.


“Morning. Could you make coffee?”

Mentally I frown. He’s been awake how long already? He couldn’t make himself coffee? But physically I smile, lean down to kiss him on the cheek and cheerfully reply, “Sure.” I make my way into the kitchen and set the coffee pot up to make two cups, both of which belong to Adam. I like coffee, but I normally prefer to start my day off with an ice cold diet coke. I grab a can out of the fridge and insert a bright green bendy straw. Bendy straws make beverages more fun. “So I've been thinking,” I say between sips of my soda. 3 comments


“Really?” he questions, more than likely only half listening. He really gets caught up in these violent war games. I roll my eyes knowing he won’t notice. 2 comments


“I sure have. Why don’t we go out and do something fun tonight?” The coffee pot beeps to notify me that it has finished brewing. I pour Adam a cup and begin to add cream and sugar. “I mean, things have been so serious lately. You need a break.” I meander back to living room and place the mug on the coffee table in front of him. 3 comments


“Okay. Like what?”


“Oh. . . I dunno.  There’s that new club that just opened. You could take me dancing.” I reply wiggling my hips. 3 comments


“Sure. Sounds cool.”


“Awesome. Wanna go to the mall so I can get a new dress?”  The words ‘Mission Failed’ appear on the TV screen in bold bright red letters. He sets his controller on the couch beside him, rubs his temples, and sighs.


“Ave, it’s my day off, and you know how much I really really hate shopping.” He picks up his mug and gulps down some coffee. I sit down next to him and lean my head on his shoulder.


“Yeah, I know. I guess I can wear the black one.” The black one. The same dress I’ve worn to nearly every event we’ve ever been to in the past three years. I’m really growing tired of the black one. He gulps one last time and hands me his empty cup.


“No, babe. If you want a new dress you can go get a new dress. I’ll even let you take the credit card.” I sit up and face him with a smile.


“Really?” I beam. He chuckles softly.


“Only if I can get a refill,” he answers playfully pointing to the cup in my hand. I stand and salute.


“Yes sir.”  Once his second cup of coffee is made and in his hand I head back up to my bedroom. According to my bedside alarm, it’s 9:45 in the morning. Surely Kurtis is up by now. At least I hope so. I don’t want to have to go shopping alone.


I pick up my phone, dial his number, and listen to the ringing. Please answer.


Kurtis


A loud vibration suddenly scares me out of sleep. I throw my arm up in surprise and smack my hand against the wall. Fuck that hurt. What is that? I listen for the sound again. Phone. That’s a phone. Where the hell is my phone? I quickly scramble out of the sheets and rummage through the mess on my nightstand. Nope. No phone. Shit. “Don’t hang up. I’m working on it.” I mutter to myself.


I stop and listen once again, more carefully this time so that I can pinpoint the exact location. “Aha. Found you.” There it lies on the floor underneath the magazine I was reading before passing out last night. The picture ID is of Avery, but the caller name reads ‘QUIT SCREENING YOUR CALLS!’ I laugh. She’s always taking my phone and changing things.


“Hello?” I answer groggily. Ugh. That was awful. I clear my throat to try and assure that the next time I speak I sound more like myself and less like the undead.


“Oh, Kurtis,” she sighs, “You were still sleeping, huh?”


“Yes, but that’s okay. I’m up now.”


“And you couldn’t find your phone, huh?” There is a slight hint of laughter in her tone. It makes me smile.


“True,” I reply, “but thanks to you I’ve found it now. So, what’s up?” She is quiet for a minute. “Ave?”


“Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about something.”


“Ha, that’s alright. Generally though, and I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but phone calls tend to require verbal communication. Just for future reference,” I tease.


“Hmm, is that so?”


“Yup. I could try to read your mind, but we might be on here for a while.”


“Smartass.” She retorts.


“As always,” I say smiling, “Now what can I do for you?”


“Are you busy today? Say no.”


“Hmm, let me check my schedule.” I check nothing. She and I both know I’m not organized enough to have any kind of written schedule. I only pause for what seems a decent amount of time before answering. “You’re in luck. Looks like I’m free.”


“Great, because you and I are going shopping!” She tells me excitedly. It is not a question. I sit back down on the edge of my bed and look out the window.


“Alright, then. What for?” Not that it really matters. I’ll go anyway.  


“I need a new dress . . . and new shoes . . . and maybe some lingerie. Yeah, definitely some lingerie.”


“The fuck, Avery?” I groan.


“Ah, come on. Say yes. It’ll be fun. I get to take the credit card.”


“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go, but still. What the fuck? Why can’t Adam take you to buy underwear?”


“Day off! Hate shopping! War! Video games! Blah, blah blah.” She mimics comically.


I laugh. “Okay, fine. But you seriously owe me one for this.”


“Just get ready Kurtis. I’ll be there soon.” And with that she hangs up. This should be interesting, to say the least.


Avery


Is it bad that it’s so much fun to mess with him? His reactions always cheer me up. I honestly wasn’t thinking about making him help me shop for lingerie when I first called. The thought occurred to me, though, that maybe adding some excitement to our love life would help Adam relieve some of his stress. Hell, it’s worth a shot, anyway.

It might seem awful of me to put Kurtis through that, but he’ll do it for me. He’s my best friend, and I know that no matter how crazy, ridiculous, or awkward my schemes may be, he’ll be there to help me with them. Lucky for me, that’s just who he is.
By some awesome gift of fate, the man and woman who adopted Kurtis were good friends with my father, who raised me on his own after my mom left. I grew up with Kurtis. He’s like a piece of every memory I have.


He was there to save me from school bullies. In fact, he got suspended in the fourth grade for breaking Jimmy Little’s nose after he pushed me down in the playground. Nobody messed with me much after that. He was there for me when my dog, Freckles, died. I cried and cried and cried, but he stayed. Even helped Dad bury her in the backyard. He was there every birthday, every Christmas, every Fourth of July. He’s just always been there.
We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no secrets or shame or embarrassment. It’s possible we’ve shared a little too much, really. When I got my first period, he listened to me complain about how terrible it was, and we both agreed he was super lucky to never have to go through anything like that. When he lost his virginity to Tracy Groves?  I got to hear all about that, though I begged him to keep me in the dark. I was to pay him back about a year later with my steamy recollection of doing it in the back seat of Brent Gammon’s Mustang. The action took about thirty seconds, but I made sure the story took much, much longer. 4 comments


Anyway, that’s why Kurtis has to go shopping with me. Because he’s always been there, and I’m going to make sure he keeps being there, whether he likes it or not. I took a long hot bath last night before going to bed, so I walk to my closet door to find something to wear.


Kurtis
      
Standing up at the foot of my bed, I continue blankly staring out the window. I don’t really know what to think right now. Don’t know how to sort through what’s going on in my head. Sometimes I feel like she tries to think up ways to torture me. But then I realize that’s not true. Avery just needs someone. A rock. Someone strong, and sturdy, and dependable. Somewhere along the line I took it upon myself to be that rock. And if it’s the rock’s job to help the girl shop for panties. . . I guess that’s what he’ll do. I sigh. I better follow orders and get ready to go. Wouldn’t want to make her cranky. 5 comments


Fumbling through my dressers drawers, I find a white button up shirt, some jeans, and a pair of boxers. I place them on the bed and make my way to the bathroom for a quick shower. I pull off my night clothes, turn the water on all the way hot, and wait for it to warm up before I get in.


At this rate she’ll be here long before I’m ready to go. I should probably unlock the door. I run down the stairs with a towel around my waist, and the water wasting away in the bathroom.
I flip the lock on the door and rush back to the shower. She should know I’m slow getting started in the morning. I have been my whole life.


Avery


I zip up my plaid skirt and pull by black shirt down to my waist, then stop to look in the mirror.  There is no way I’m going anywhere with my hair looking the way it does. I walk to the bathroom, grab a spray bottle and brush, let down my bun, and get to work.


My hair is long. Very long, frizzy, and hard to control. I really should cut it. It’s too much hassle to take care of. I just can’t bring myself to do it, though. I love my hair. Well. . . I love it after it’s been styled. But before the styling- it’s a demon. I always think about how wonderful it would be to have straight hair or curly hair, and not this monster of in between. It takes me all of ten minutes to wet it, brush it out, and collect it into a high ponytail on the top of my head.


I’ve never worn much makeup. I’m somewhat proud of my freckles. I do take the time, however, to put on some eyeliner and mascara. I’ve got those tired eyes. All of Adam’s problems have added a generous amount of stress to my life as well. I brush my teeth, slip on some shoes and my glasses, then head down the stairs.


Adam has retired from his game for the time being. Now he sits back with his feet propped up on the coffee table and mind numbing cartoons playing on the television. “You sure you don’t want to come?” I ask, giving him the chance to change his mind. I’m sure he won’t, though.


“Positive, babe.” He grabs his wallet off the table, “But you go have fun,” hands me the credit card, “and buy something pretty.” and flashes a smile. I take the plastic and grin back.


“I think I can manage that.” I give him a final peck on the cheek and open the front door.


“Love you. See you soon.”


“Uh huh. You too.”


Outside the air is humid, but I don’t mind it. I love April, and I wish it would rain. Kurtis’s apartment is right across from mine and Adam’s. It’s a short walk.  Our funny old neighbor lady is out on her porch with her cat.


“Good morning, Ms. Harlem!” I call out and wave. She smiles at me and waves back.


“Good morning, dear,” she says, “Please don’t stay out too long. I like you much better than that other one.”


I chuckle softly. Adam has never been one to go out of his way to make friends with the neighbors. He mostly keeps to himself. “Don’t worry,” I answer, “I won’t be gone that long. You have a good day.”


I approach Kurtis’s door and knock, but I don’t wait for an answer. Never do. He’s already unlocked it for me. When I step inside, I can hear water running upstairs.


“Where are you?” I shout, knowing he has to be in the bathroom.


“Up here!” calls a muffled voice. I climb the stairs to see him, bottom half wrapped in a towel, blonde hair tucked behind his ears still dripping wet, and a toothbrush in his mouth.


“You’re slow,” I huff and fake an angry stomp into his bedroom.


Kurtis
      
What could I say? Nothing with the toothbrush in my mouth. I spit and rinse before calling out, “Huh uh. Out. I’m going in there next.”
      
“Yeah, so?” she asks.
      
“And I have to get dressed,” I answer. Surely she noticed me standing here nearly naked. Didn’t she?
      
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll close my eyes.” She says with a giggle. Damn. That sound always seems to make my heart jump a little. I walk into the bedroom and look at her. I consider, only for a moment, dropping the towel to the ground there in front of her to see how she might react. It’s a terrible thought, though, and I veto it immediately. My conscience reminds me that it would be very wrong to do something like that. She’s with Adam, and she loves him. Plus, is something ever were to ruin our friendship, I really don’t want it to be the sight of my dick.
      
“Nope. Out, Avery,” I say pointing at the door.
      
“It’s not like I’ve never seen boy parts, Kurtis,” She says throwing my boxers at my face and hopping down from the bed.
      
“Right, well, go think about that in another room.” She sticks her tongue out at me as she walks away, shutting the door behind her.
      
I run my fingers through my hair and close my eyes. I think she’s going to kill me. She may have just blown my mind. For real. Avery is my best friend. I’d do anything for her. I’d be anything for her. And . . .  Jesus . . . I think I love her.


Avery
      
I walk back down the steps and into the kitchen for a glass of water. I grab a cup out of the cabinet, fill it from the tap, and find a seat in the most comfortable lazy boy recliner in all of creation. I will have this chair for my own one day. I spot Kurtis’s sketchbook lying on the coffee table. I decide to pick it up and flip through it. Kurtis has some crazy gift for creation. Be it picture, music, or food, if Kurtis made it it’s a masterpiece.
      
The first page is like an introduction. The picture is of a hand holding a pencil and writing the words ‘Kurtis’s Art and Junk.’ I laugh and flip a few pages forward.
      
Here’s an episode of his stick figure comic Problematic. Those are always funny. The main character, Ed, is always having various body parts stolen from him. In this particular scene, two jerks are playing soccer with Ed’s head while his body walks around dumb and confused.
      
I flip the page again. Ah, I’ve found the roses from when I decided to get my first tattoo. There’s so many shapes and styles, but the one that I chose is circled with a green highlighter. I pull my skirt down slightly to examine the ink on my left hip and compare it to the sketch. Yep. That’s the one. I giggle to myself. I guess I’m one of Kurtis’s masterpieces now, too. I flip the page one more time and freeze.
      
I’m looking down at myself. It’s a surreal feeling, I must say. As soon as I see it, I know exactly when he made it. Not because of the signature and date in the corner, but because I recognize the scene. It’s perfect. Every single detail is perfect.
      
Two weeks ago exactly, Adam and I had a bit of an argument. Something small and dumb caused it. I honestly can’t even remember it now. We were supposed to be going out, though. His well-to-do parents wanted to celebrate the big promotion. Adam was against it at first, but his mother insisted. There’s really no saying no to that woman.
      
For that reason, when I walked out of the apartment to sit on the porch steps and get away from the argument, I was wearing- you guessed it – the black one. I was also wearing the silver shoes that have always been the black one’s best friends. And my hair was straightened. It must have taken me at least an hour. I sat there slouched, my head propped on my hand, staring at nothing. This is his picture. Kurtis’s picture.
      
I hear his footsteps on the stairs. Hurriedly I close the sketch pad and place it back on the table. I sit nonchalantly sipping my water, wishing I had a bendy straw. 3 comments


Kurtis
      
She looks guilty of something when I walk into the living room. She’s got that gleam in her eye. The ‘I’m keeping a secret’ type of look. It’s humorous, and I smile.
      
“What?” she asks acting casual. She should know better by now than to think she can keep anything from me.
      
“What did you do?” I ask in return, raising an eyebrow. She smiles and shrugs her shoulders.
      
“What do you mean?”
      
“Oh, you know what I mean,” I challenge, taking one step closer and looking down at her. Neither of our smirks falter. She looks me straight in the eye.
      
“No. I don’t think I do.”
      
“I know you’re hiding something, Ave. You have that look.”
      
“And what look is that?”
      
“The ‘Don’t look at me. I’m innocent.’ Look.”
      
“I have no such look!” she exclaims, faking an appalled expression.  I can’t help but laugh.
      
“Alright, fine,” I hold my hands up in surrender, “but I will find out sooner or later.”
      
“Sure you will, Kurt,” She says with a wink. She stands from my chair and heads toward the front door.
      
We step outside and the air is thick and damp. I roll the sleeves of my shirt up to my elbows and stand next to Avery on the porch.
      
“Are we taking my car or yours?” she asks me.
      
“Lady’s choice,” I reply.      
      
“Then I vote yours,” she says skipping down the steps and to the passenger’s side of my beat up old Maxima. She places her hand on the door handle and looks up at me expectantly. 1 comment


“It’s not locked,” I say, and she hops inside. I look across the parking lot at Avery’s Eclipse. Her car is much nicer and newer than mine, but she shares it with Adam. She is often reluctant to take it anywhere without him. Most of the time she votes my car. I’ve got no problem with it though. I climb into the driver’s seat, dig my keys out of my pocket, and start the engine. As we pull out, I see Adam in the window of their apartment talking on his cell phone. He sees me and the curtains close. Huh. Weird. I glance over at Avery. It doesn’t seem like she noticed him.
      
Her eyes are closed, her head laid back, and she quietly sings along to the radio.
      
“You should sing louder,” I say. She opens one eye and shakes her head at me, not stopping her barely audible duet with Justin Pierre. I don’t argue, but listen intently to the sound of her voice softly singing, “What if it was you, you that I needed all along,” 1 comment


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