Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

I appreciate the subtle, but agonizing way you allow your readers to 'see' or better yet - 'come along' on Avery's shopping. With so few words you deliver that sense of slow, agonizing time that brings about a feeling of 'OMG! Can we just finish already' that I get when shopping with the GF. You bring the entire 'patience testing' essence of shopping to the forefront, allowing your readers to become caught up in it whether they may enjoy shopping or not, which is the core element of good writing that writers strive to achieve. You do it quite easily and may I say, with little effort. Take this part for instance... ( - I smile softly and give him a thumbs up while half-heartedly examining a sequined turquoise cocktail dress. I wrinkle my nose and Kurtis laughs. “Are we disgusted by the color or the design?” “A little of both I think.” I move on to the next rack and finger through the pieces one by one. - A well written piece.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - Goodbye black one and hello sexy and elegant red. It’s an open back halter that falls to about mid-thigh. The fabric overlaps in an ‘x’ shape across my chest leaving a seductive teardrop shaped opening just below my breasts. - " Nice visuals! Its little things like this - the distraction, the subtle seductive quality of the dress itself...the way Avery is immediately swooned by it that somehow infects your readers with the same quality. Sweet!

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

I got on Amazon and searched for red dresses. I fell in love with a dress just like this. I knew I would never wear it, but my good friend Avery would! It was a bit of a challenge to find the right words to describe it. Hopefully you can picture it.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - “Well, I now know seven new and exciting ways to please my man in bed.” He smirks. - " This part is funny!

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Kurtis makes a lot of jokes. He loves to hear Avery laugh.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - We make it to the subway line. Three people ahead of us. - " When using the word 'subway' line (name of the fast food joint) be sure to allow your readers the information that is required when a restaurant's name has the same title as something else that may confuse the reader. Before this sentence you might have Avery ask Kurtis something, like "You feel like a Sub for lunch?" Something as easy as that would allow your reader the chance to distinguish - beforehand - the difference between eating at 'Subway' and standing in line waiting for the Subway (train.)

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - My mind and heart have been playing this endless game of ring around the rosey. I’m afraid we might be nearing the falling down part. - " Nice way to deliver Kurtis' 'inner' strife. Good job!

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - Fuckfuckfuck - " While the intent - the emotions of confusion, bewilderment, angst and exasperated frustration is quite clear the moment he screams the first 'fuck' to himself, it would come across stronger and more profound with just one 'fuck' used with an exclamation mark. After that BOLD and RAW first 'fuck' try and simmer it down with a lesser series of words - 'shit!' Damn it!' etc. What this does is...it allows for a moment of extreme internal commotion - a moment that your readers will immediately get (and become a part of.) By using the lesser 'extreme' words, the moment will be held a moment longer, prolonging the effect of the great internal and emotional struggle. By using the 'fuckfuckfuck' immediately after the first 'fuck' the great internal emotional strife, angst and drawback somehow loses its potency and falls back into the moment without that overall 'prolonged' angst that it began with. By giving the moment of great confusion, bewilderment, angst and exasperated frustration a moment of calming, the moment is then gifted with clarity and internal contemplation before the moment of 'self awareness is set forth, adding much greater depth to this next sentence " - I have to stop this. - "

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

I enjoy the realistic sense of self in the way you write Kurtis. I mean...how can't a guy help but to fantasize when he is surrounded by lingerie? Good stuff. Compelling.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

I tried to write this as... I don't know... frantic? That's how I think when I'm frantic Haha. It's that first bold FUCK! And then even when I try to calm my thoughts, it's still just fuckfuckfuck. Maybe that's not good for a book though.

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

" - Hmmm, what would she look like in that? Or, what would she look like not in that? Christ, Kurtis. Stop it. Stop being perverted. That’s sick. - " These sentences..." - Stop it. Stop being perverted. That’s sick. - " somehow take away from the natural feelings, the affection and longing that Kurtis has for Avery. They don't work. If a guy/ or girl for that matter - has any feelings, or fantasies about bedding his best friend, leave them in. The very act of fantasizing about her, allows your readers into his true emotions and feelings, and there's no way Kurtis (any guy that feels like that toward his friend) would say or think that was perverted. Or sick. Not unless he is a 'perfect' gentleman (which no such thing exists) and shouldn't unless its a story for 12 year old girls or younger. No. I would suggest you leave out that part. By leaving them out, and by letting him think the way men think naturally, you allow Kurtis the freedom to be a man. A man who - by no choice of his own - has developed feelings along the way for his best friend. And there's nothing really sick in that. I hope this helps.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Hmmm... during this time Kurtis thought are very frantic. Being in this store is sending him into an internal panic. In these lines, the two sides of Kurtis are kinda arguing with each other. His 'normal man' side is saying 'Hmmm, what would she look like in that? Or, what would she look not in that?' And his other side, the side that feels somewhat ashamed and guilty, is chastising the 'normal man's side by saying 'Christ, Kurtis. Stop it. Stop being perverted. That's sick.' It's kind of like a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I really don't want to change what the 'gentleman's side says because it's actually one of my favorite parts of this chapter... I thought it added a little humour. I mean, it made me laugh- but I'm the writer so my opinion may be biased. Haha. Maybe making the 'normal man' say something a little more... um.. vulgar? Or raunchy (lol) would make it work better. Like two opposite extremes. I'll be happy to see anyone's opinion on this!

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

"This is getting way to weird." Try too.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Thank-you Jim! I didn't notice that.

Aaron Greene Aaron Greene
Recommendations: 30

Now there's a classic! haha

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

I love Nirvana! Kurt Cobain died just weeks before I was born. Makes me so sad.

Jim Miller Jim Miller
Recommendations: 29

Try "scarred" with one r. I think I'm right.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

I was going for scar in the past tense lol. I think it has two R's but I'll double check

Jordan Hewitt Jordan Hewitt
Recommendations: 13

I cant tell you how many times I've said this...

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

At top of this section: The White Stripes, Fell in Love with a Girl

Daniel Bird Daniel Bird
Recommendations: 47

Quick question: When you write, do you listen to music? I just have to say that - that's the only way I can write. Music helps me write tones and emotions. Its like...when I write, I have to have my headphones on and music playing. Thought I would share that.

Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

I'm almost always listening to music. Usually, I have a song in mind for a scene before I ever start writing it.

Please login or signup to add a comment to this paragraph.


Add comment   Close
Amanda Krumme Amanda Krumme
Recommendations: 18

Avery King Chapter Two


Share this writing


Link to this writing



Start Writing

More from Amanda Krumme

Depression
Realization
Little Sister
6 Word Story
Simple?

More Books

Harley Bailey Harley Bailey
Recommendations: 29
Amnesis
Jennifer Killby Jennifer Killby
Recommendations: 6
The Legend of The Travelers: Willow's Journey
Georgina Connor Georgina Connor
Recommendations: 8
Lilith
Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23
Under the Double Star - Chapter One
Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23
Under the Double Star -Chapter Two

This writing contains explicit content and is only for adults. You have been warned.

Chapter Two


Avery
      
The mall is loud and crowded, which, of course, is normal for a Saturday. We’ve been in and out of stores for over an hour and a half now. I found and purchased the cutest pair of blank and white peep-toe pumps, but the perfect dress still eludes me. Adam would more than likely be pulling his hair out by now, but Kurtis follows me patiently without uttering a single complaint. We walk into Cést La Vie, a store filled with bright colors and radiating pop music. The girl at the register glances over at us. She mumbles an uninterested greeting before diverting her attention back to the OK! Magazine on the counter and blowing a giant bubblegum bubble.
      
“Alright here’s the deal,” I tell Kurtis, “Whether I find a dress here or not we break for lunch when we leave.”
      
“Sounds like a plan.”  I smile softly and give him a thumbs up while half-heartedly examining a sequined turquoise cocktail dress. I wrinkle my nose and Kurtis laughs. “Are we disgusted by the color or the design?” 1 comment


“A little of both I think.” I move on to the next rack and finger through the pieces one by one. “Thanks for doing this by the way. Adam probably would’ve given up and taken me home by now.”


“It’s no big deal.” He holds up a yellow baby doll dress. I shake my head. I flip past a few more hangers and I freeze. I think I’ve found what I’ve been looking for.


“This is the one, Kurt.” I announce.


“You sound so sure.”


“Well, unless it makes me look fat, I’m positive. This is the one.”  I rush to the dressing room to try it on.


                                          ***


This dress was made for me. I gaze at myself in the full length mirror and grin. This is definitely the one. Goodbye black one and hello sexy and elegant red. It’s an open back halter that falls to about mid-thigh. The fabric overlaps in an ‘x’ shape across my chest leaving a seductive teardrop shaped opening just below my breasts. I absolutely love it, and I’m pretty sure Adam will, too. 2 comments


I slip it off and back onto its hanger, redress in my skirt and shirt, and open the dressing room door. Kurtis is waiting in a chair just outside reading the same OK! as bubblegum girl. He looks up at me expectantly. “I’m buying it.” I declare and skip toward the checkout.


I lay the dress on the counter and Kurtis comes up beside me, magazine still in hand.


“Did you know that the Hollywood divorce rate is nearly eighty percent?” He asks me. The girl mutters a price that I don’t catch, but I hand her Adam’s card anyway.


“I was not aware of that. What else have the journalists taught you today?” The card is handed back to me along with a hot pink bag.


“Well, I now know seven new and exciting ways to please my man in bed.” He smirks. I laugh and tear the magazine from his hands. 2 comments


“Okay, no more for you.” I set the magazine back on its rack and we exit C’est La Vie.  


“So what are you hungry for?”


“Oh, uh, I’m fine.”


I glance at him sideways as we walk toward the food court. “You haven’t eaten anything today.”


“I have no cash on me.”


“And you’re point is?” We make it to the subway line. Three people ahead of us. 2 comments


“My point is, you’re not buying me lunch.”


“Oh yes I am.” Two people now.


“I’ll eat when I get home Avery.”


“I’m indecisive. We could still be here for a while.”


“I can wait.”


“You better tell me what you want.”


“I want . . .” he pauses, “nothing.”


“Kurtis . . .” I warn. Only one person in front of us now.


“What?” he asks innocently.


“Pick something, or I’ll order something you don’t want and make you eat it anyway.”


“You can’t force feed me, Ave.”


“Watch me.” I step up to the counter. “Let’s see,” I tap my finger on my chin in thought.


“Is there anything that you don’t recommend?” The poor guy at the register looks at me puzzled.


Kurtis laughs his embarrassed laugh. “I’ll have whatever you’re having.” He mutters.


We both have a foot long chicken teriyaki on wheat.


                                         ***


We finish our food and begin wandering again. “So, about those new ways to please your man,” I start.


“Sorry, Ave. I can’t divulge those secrets. You should’ve bought the magazine.”


I laugh and shake my head. “You and bubblegum girl didn’t have to buy it.”


“Good point. I didn’t really read that page, though.”


“Sure you didn’t.”


“Didn’t have to. I know how to please my man.”


I choke a little on my diet coke. “Shut up!” I giggle. Then, suddenly, I notice his attitude change as we approach Victoria’s Secret. His bright and happy appearance has faded. Ha. I’ve finally found something he can’t handle. Shopping for underwear. His face is now taut, anxious, and he looks down at the ground through his bangs.


We make it to the doorway and I stop. I step up to him, close, and look up into his aqua eyes with the most intense, serious expression I can manage.


“Are you sure you can do this?” I whisper and stare at him hard. He laughs, though I can hear the nervousness behind it.


“Hurry up before I change my mind,” he says. We both know it’s an empty threat.


“You won’t change your mind,” I say grabbing his hand and pulling him inside.


Kurtis


Of course she’s right. I said I would come with her and there’s no turning back after that. I mentally curse Adam knowing he’s sitting at home watching cartoons or playing video games. Dresses and shoes I can handle, but this? This is a whole different story.
It bothers me just a little that she thinks it’s funny. I feel so awkward, and, well, somewhat ashamed really. My mind and heart have been playing this endless game of ring around the rosey. I’m afraid we might be nearing the falling down part. 1 comment


Alright, focus Kurtis. We’re just here to help Avery shop. Here to support her. Be the rock. That is the objective . . . but her hand was in mine just moments ago, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel like it was right. It felt so natural. Felt like exactly what I want.


Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. I have to stop this. I have to get rid of these thoughts now. There has got to be a way to distract myself, but how? I’m surrounded by bras and thongs and perfume, none of which is helping my situation. Despite my valiant efforts not to fantasize, I do. 3 comments


Hmmm, what would she look like in that? Or, what would she look like not in that?
Christ, Kurtis. Stop it. Stop being perverted. That’s sick. 2 comments


“Kurtis,” Avery calls. I look to see her holding up two strapless bras. One black with red lace, the other yellow with white polka dots. “Both will work with the dress, so what do you think? Dark seductress?” she holds the black and red one out toward me. “Or innocence and sunshine?” she says in a girly voice doing the same with the yellow.
Oh, fuck, we gotta get out of here. I run my hand through my hair and squint. I’m sure the expression on my face is pained.


“I don’t know, Ave,” I say. It comes out as a whine. Please, please don’t make me do this anymore. There’s only so much a man can take and I have officially exceeded that limit.


“Both then!” she says happily adding them to her collection and walking off to another display. This is getting way to weird. It’s weird because at this point I realize that I can no longer lie to myself. I can’t deny it anymore. 2 comments


I want her.


But I don’t want her the way I sometimes feel like Adam wants her. Like he wants to fuck her and ignore her unless it has to do with food or money. That just doesn’t seem like love to me. What I have, though, I think . . . I think it is love. It has to be.


Not that it matters. She wants to be with him, and if that’s what she wants I’ll never risk messing it up. I have to do whatever it is that makes Avery happy. I just really don’t think he deserves her.


Do I? Do I deserve her?


Not if she doesn’t want me. How could I even tell her I feel like this? I could lose her. I can’t lose her. If she needs me as a friend, then that’s what I’ll be. I’ll just sit back and continue admiring her from afar. Maybe for the rest of my life.


I look for her. Looks like she’s done and checking out. Thank God. I need to leave this place.


Avery


Kurtis helps me carry my bags outside and to his car. As far as I can tell, he’s more at ease now. I really didn’t mean to embarrass him, and I feel pretty awful about it now. I shouldn’t have teased him.


“I’m sorry,” I say softly when we are seated in the car. He looks over at me, confused.


“For what?” The car cranks and the radio blasts Kurt Cobain singing, “Am I the only one? Am I the only one?”  He quickly and almost nervously turns it down to completely silent before pulling out. I look disappointedly at the knob. Rape Me is a good song. Why’d he turn it off? I turn it up just slightly. “My favorite inside source, I kiss your open sores…” 4 comments


“For putting you through that, I guess, and for laughing about it. I feel a little like a bitch now.”


“Ah, don’t be sorry, Ave. I’m here for you. No matter what. You know that.” He flashes a smile, but I’m still feeling lowly and somber.


“I know, but I think I might take advantage of that sometimes, Kurtis. I mean, what have I ever done for you?”


“Ha!” His sudden outburst surprises me. “Seriously? What have you done for me? I think that might be the dumbest thing you’ve ever said, Avery. I really do.”


“Well you’ve never asked me to do anything like this before.”


“True. I haven’t publicly humiliated you yet,” he pauses to chuckle at this, “but if that time comes, I know you’d grin and bear it just like I did. Besides, I’m not scarred too badly.” He grins again, and I know he’s right. I wouldn’t hesitate to do anything he needed me to do for him. 2 comments


“Good,” I reply, “I won’t make you think about me in my underwear ever again.”


Kurtis


She meant for that to be a good thing, I’m sure, but I unintentionally frown.


“What’s that face for?” She asks. Oh shit. I’ve blown it.


“I, uh, just never thought I’d here you say something like that,” I lie. Nice save, Kurtis. I mentally pat myself on the back for that one. She laughs.


“Yeah, me either. It’s a strange thing to say.”


“That it is.” I pull into our complex and stop in front of her apartment. She gathers her bags and hops out of the car.


“Thanks, Kurt. I really do appreciate it.” She walks around the car to my window and places a quick peck on my cheek. My heart nearly explodes.


“Don’t mention it.” I actually manage a reply. Then, I watch as she walks away and disappears behind the number seven door. I let out a sigh, pull across the parking lot, and park in front of my own door.


That girl will be the death of me. 1 comment



Avery
      
I walk in to the sound of the White Stripes softly playing through our stereo speakers. “Fell in love with a girl, I fell in love once and almost completely.” Adam sits hunched over his laptop with a scowl. This can’t be good. I set my bags down by the door and walk over to him.
      
“Whatcha doin?” I ask softly. He looks up at me.
      
“I can’t go, Ave.” My heart drops.
      
“How come?”
      
He sighs heavily. “The boss called. Told me I need to check my email. Now I’ve got all these forms that need to be reviewed, edited, re-reviewed. All of this before Monday morning. I can’t do it, Ave. I’m sorry.”
      
“They’re sending you work on the weekend now?”
      
“That’s the price I pay for better wages, babe. What can I do?”
      
I sigh in return. “Well, that’s alright I guess. We can order Chinese tonight. We’ll go out some other time.”
      
“No babe. You bought a dress and everything. You need to go. I know all of this is stressing you out, too. I’m not gonna be the one to suck all the fun out of your life. Ask…what’s his name to take you.”
      
“You mean Kurtis?”
      
“Yeah, him. Ask Kurtis to take you.”
      
I raise an eyebrow at this. “Are you sure, Adam?” I never thought Kurt and Adam were very fond of each other.
      
“Yes, Avery. Completely. You need to go have a good time. He better not try anything, though.”
      
I smile. “Kurtis will behave.” I kiss him on the cheek. “Thanks, hun.” Grabbing my bags, I run upstairs to call Kurtis once again. 3 comments


Kurtis
      
I’ve been home all of five minutes when my phone rings. It’s Avery again. Or, well, according to the screen it’s “WHO DO YOU THINK?” What the hell? When did she change it? She’s a sneaky one.
      
“Yeees?”
      
“Adam has homework.”
      
“Homework?”
      
“Yes. Work that they sent him to do at home.” She confirms.
      
“Well that’s some shit.”
      
“It is, but guess what.”
      
“You’re going next weekend?”
      
“Nope. He wants you to take me.”
      
“…Me?” I’m in total disbelief. Adam hates me. I’m okay with that, though, since I really don’t like him either.
      
“You.” She confirms again.
      
“Me, Kurtis?” Double checking.
      
“No! You the pope. Yes, you, Kurtis.” Haha. Sarcasm from Avery. I love it.
      
“And you’re sure?” Triple checking.
      
“That’s what he said.”
      
“Alright, then. When you wanna head out?”
      
“Happy hour starts at five.”
      
“Five it is. See you then.”
      
We hang up. Fuuuck. I’m a rock. I’m a rock. I’m a rock… but I’m breaking.


Link to this writing

Share this writing


Next: Avery King Chapter One