There’s an energy in those leather bound cream colored pages. Something that brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. When I hold it, my chest warms as my fingers begin to tremble. I close my eyes and I see her wonderful smile. Those radiant blue eyes glancing at me, showing understanding. She knows a similar pain to mine. Neither of us will truly understand the magnitude of each others depression. We won’t understand the amount of pain we feel. But we both know what its like to feel alone, to be alone. We both know how great is to have someone to grasp onto. To reassure us that life continues on. She brings me back. Always, brings me back. Tonight. It’s just a lonely night and I'm fighting back the urge to fall victim to that bottle. It’s staring at me. Its golden brown liquid calling my name. Telling me to let go. To let it take hold of me. To let it grasp my soul and pull me further into this building feeling of depression. For weeks this has been increasing. I’ve been suppressing it. Becoming something I’m not. It’s tearing me apart. But I’ll figure it out. I normally do. But what if I can’t?
What will become of me? What living hell will I be sent to? Will it kill me? Will its teeth slowly clamp down around my neck? Its fangs sinking into my skin, crimson leaking from the holes it creates. Warm bubbling life painfully leaking from its host. Leaving my body and taking me with it. Death creeping up, painfully slow. I scream. Scream in fear of deaths grasp. Scream for it to end. Scream for this life to end and bring me to a new world without this mental instability. A world free of these demons. Free of temptations and loneliness. But I don’t want it to end. For each dying gasp that leaks from my collapsing lungs. Each gurgle of blood that spills from my neck, I know, that as long as I still feel. I am Alive.
There is nothing I fear more than death. I fear it’s comfort. I fear it’s strength. I fear it’s mystery. The unknown of its cold existence haunts me. My curiosity peaks yet my fear holds me back. I can never force myself to explore its new frontier. Many individuals have ended there but I have yet to pass that threshold. I hope never to. As long as I have something to hold on to. As long as I have someone to love. As long as I have this Fear.
