Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Opening paragraph is a little too long. Better to start off with smaller openings then work your way up to the longer pieces of writing. Remember the most important thing is to engage the reader's interest and motivation for reading what you have written. Consider breaking this into several smaller paragraphs.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Opening is an immediate barrier to the motivation of the reader and needs to be lessened into more manageable reading paragraphs. Your chief goal is to encourage people to want to get hooked by the opening. Something this size tends to appear a little daunting to read.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Suggestions as how to break this paragraph up Paragraph One The fist went flying... Paragraph Two If Gail could feel any emotion Paragraph Three The Criminal could feel Paragraph Four With that thought Paragraph Five The floorboard just before Paragraph Six This was a bit disappointing Paragraph Seven He removed the seat cushion Paragraph Eight He sighed and got back to his work.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Was going to comment the same things that Leslie has already said. What I have seen with other writers is when they have long paragraph (especially an opening paragraph) they get fewer readers. The reader will visit your story and move on without reading because of the length of the paragraph. Your first paragraph should be the one that catches the reader right away and most readers want manageable bits of information in your paragraphs.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

This might just be a typo but the in the line " He had thought that the criminal was truly just (a broke) trying...." Should that be " He had thought that the criminal was truly just a "bloke" trying..." or did you mean " He had thought that the criminal was truly just broke trying...." leaving out the word "a".

Raven Sterling Raven Sterling
Recommendations: 0

Thank you both for the advice, its very much appreciated. I hope you both are enjoying the story so far, and I will make the revisions in due time

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Probably just a typo but you need to capitalize the word "I".

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

you need a space between the words "boy" and "I".

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

I think it might be another typo but I the word "block" should be "blocked" in but again "...found the attack block when Night..."

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Raven Sterling Raven Sterling
Recommendations: 0

Speed- Part 1 of Nightingale Trilogy


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Under the Double Star - Chapter One

This writing contains explicit content and is only for adults. You have been warned.

Title is subject to change. Beginning of a new piece :) Review is needed as well as opinions!


The fist went flying by his head, having moved just a millimeter to the side in order to dodge the strike. The next strike came at his gut, in which he grabbed a hold of the attacker's wrist and gave a slight pull to the right. The attackers momentum, what he had considered to be a powerful punch, was now the very thing behind the quick snapping of his wrist bone. The attacker screamed at the sudden feeling of his bone being exposed to fresh air. If Gale could feel any emotion, he'd smile at the irony of fresh air not being a good thing, but alas. He was who he was, and that was the man who struck fast and struck hard. Barely a second passed of the attacker's wrist being snapped that he brought down his right elbow into the attacker's jaw, shattering it and effectively knocking him out cold. It was sad really, as Gale had been hoping for some kind of challenge from this man. The criminal had shown an understanding when it came to a fight, but he was just a dismal man with a broken wrist and shattered jaw. He was a minor criminal however, so Gale thought he'd show at least a bit of kindness. A man shouldn't die for stealing from a few cash registers because he had no other choice. While he had to be stopped, there was no reason to kill him. With that thought, Gale took a single look around the small shoddy apartment, and narrowed his eyes. The criminal had only stolen from the last store a few hours ago, so the money he had stolen had to be stashed somewhere. All it took for Gale was a singleYq glance, and he knew every little thing about every little inch within the criminal's hovel. The floorboard just before the small galley kitchen was where he kept his marijuana and pills. It creaked whenever stood or walked upon due to being removed from the floor so often. That was a bit disappointing, Gale thought. He had thought that the criminal was truly just a broke trying to get money for sustenance in the form of food and liquids. Instead it was most likely to fuel his addiction to the mainstream herb and pharmaceuticals. He shook his head and walked towards the recliner near the corner of the room. He removed the seat cushion and then removed the false bottom he already knew was there, and pulled the wads of money out. A few cash registers worth of money amounted to $392 and 73 cents. There was a penny lodged somewhere, but Gale didn't bother to grab it. A penny wasn't exactly a loss to the economy these days, but neither was the money the criminal had stolen. Somebody probably got fired over the loss of the meager amount of money, but that was probably the only real impact by Gale's estimation. He sighed and got back to his work, leaving the money in front of the criminal who would be knocked out just long enough for the authorities to arrive. The next step was to find a piece of paper and a pen. It took a few moments, but he managed to pull out a wrinkled receipt from one of the criminal's purchases and a crappy pen from his bedroom. He wrote swiftly on it, and left it on the money that was positioned in front of the criminal before ducking out of the apartment and onto the fire escape. Within seconds, he was gone and he had already purposely tripped an alarm that would have the cops coming to the criminal's apartment. 6 comments


When they arrived, they saw the note and grimaced. The criminal had been captured, the money retrieved, which would make any proper cop's day. A bad man being put away for his crimes against the hard working and innocent. But the note meant something to the cops within Salem, Washington. A man had decided they were incompetent and chose to do their job for them. A vigilante had risen, and as the cops passed around the note, they couldn't help but sigh. Their job had just gotten harder.



" It would have taken an estimated amount of 1 week and 2 days for you to catch a common criminal as the man behind this money.


My name is Nightingale.


And I just did your job for you."


------------


The night continued after that, moving by slowly as Gale looked over everything from his spot on the water silo on top of an old apartment building. It was his perch more than anything. The place where he came to watch over the people below. He'd study each of their faces and the clothes they wore to get a feel for their lives. It was easy for him to point out the criminals in a crowd, just as it was easy to pick out the pacifists. He profiled people from his perch, and remembered each detail that he knew of the dangerous people who dared to pass under him. Of course no one could see him, unless there were people on the roofs of the other buildings surrounding him. That was a rare occurrence, and normally only happened in the summer when a random couple wanted to have a session of pleasure. Bodies connecting, heartbeats pounding and blood rushing. He could almost feel Night begin to salivate as his mind went through the process that was lovemaking. Gale rolled his eyes and began to climb down the water silo, landing on the roof within a few seconds.


"It's the one thing you haven't done, no matter how much I ask."


Gale glanced over his shoulder and saw Night standing behind him, hands in his pockets. This was one of his calmer nights surprisingly enough. No screaming, and more importantly, no fighting. He was happy to be rid of the constant headache that Night was notorious for giving him. Night looked.. well exactly like Gale did, save the eyes. Tall, toned muscles. Silver hair that fell down just over his eyes. Gale's eyes were a piercing silver that imitated moonlight, while Night had eyes that were black as coals. He wore the same outfit as Gale did, and had the same weapons equipped. 7 throwing knives on his chest, kept tightly in their sheath by a chest harness. A black tactical vest, black combat pants and black combat boots. Two police issue Glocks, with a spare magazine kept in a pouch on his lower back. One long sica blade kept on a halbred that stretched across his back, tightened enough to stay in place when parkour or running was necessary. An exact clone of Gale, seen only to Gale. Oh the benefits of being mentally broken were surreal.


"You know I can hear everything you're thinking. Why do you even try to hide it pansy? Ain't worth your time to try and hide when I rest my head in that damn mind of yours"


Gale spoke back, his voice monotoned as per usual with only a small hint of annoyance being shown in his voice. "Piss off and go back inside then. I have work to do."


Night laughed and smacked the side of Gale's face playfully, as a brother would do to his sibling.


"You mean chasing down that sorry sod who just got away with snatching a purse? Come on ya pansy, go after the big fish. Those minnows aren't worth our time."


Gale furrowed his brow, his annoyance with Night becoming more evident.
"You don't dictate what I do. You never will."


Night laughed again and made a face to mock Gale, imitating a man who was afraid. "Oh please mighty and powerful Nightingale, don't punish me! I might wet me self if you keep hitting that hard!"


Gale scoffed and shoved past Night, who turned on his heel and started to follow him.


"You know I'm right pansy, and you know you need some kind of bloody challenge. I heard there's some mob activity at the docks which by the way is just SO original,"


Gale rolled his eyes and jumped to the roof of the next building, Night following him employing the same grace that Gale did.


"I'm not going to the docks tonight, I am just making a few rounds. I want everyone to know I am here before i start going after the big fish as you so eloquently put it." 1 comment


Night scoffed, holding back a laugh and quickly stepped in Gale's path, putting his hand on Gale's chest.


"Do you even realize how idiotic you sound? I swear, all those books you've read had me thinking that you'd have a little sense to that fractured mind of yours. Well. Ours."


Gale pushed Night's hand away, and stepped in close to his face. His silver eyes stared right into Night's black eyes as he spoke, his voice giving off the tone that would make any commoner have goosebumps.


"It is my mind. You're nothing but a roach I can't kill, and you need to start acting like it."


Night took a step closer, their faces now only about a couple centimeters apart.


"What are you going to do if I don't big boy? You gonna kick my ass? How are you going to manage that when I know every move that you want to make against me? I'm inside your mind boy,I know every little dirty tactic you have stored in there." 1 comment


Gale pushed him back, and kicked at his chest with the heel of his boot. Night reacted by catching the heel and pushing back, causing Gale to stumble. Gale growled and pulled out his Sica, twirling it in his hand. Night smiled at him and pulled out his own blade, mimicking the same twirl motion that Gale had just used.


"You really gonna fight me again? You remember the last time we exchanged blows don't you? I handed your ass to you."


Gale felt a vicious smile begin to grow as he remembered the last time they clashed as violently as they were about to. He had killed dozens of people beforehand, leaving no trace of his presence. That day was... horrific. He remembered it as if it had happened a few seconds ago, and he remembered the day with pride. He had escaped becoming a slave to the corruptive machine that was the "Mental Institute" he had been locked in. He suddenly shook his head, focusing on the moment at hand rather than a rapid dwelling on the past.


"If you would take the time to remember correctly," he said with a challenging tone, "I won that fight after the Institute Massacre. We haven't fought like that since that point."


Night made an insulting sound and waved his sica around. "Are you going to fight me or not coward?"



Gale felt the smile spread from cheek to cheek as his legs tensed up. It was time for a challenge.


He sprung at Night, swinging his sica down at his left shoulder. Night parried the strike, using Gale's momentum to quickly sidestep and cause Gale to reel forward. Gale had expected Night to do such a thing however, keeping in tune with his parry and counter strategy. As Gale went reeling by Night, he quickly dropped his blade from his hand and slammed his fist into Night's right chest. Night grunted as Gale used his uncanny reaction speed to scoop up his blade and roll away.


Night knew his every move, and that was what he counted on. His knowledge of the way Gale moved had proved to be a powerful asset in their last clash, as he had almost won and claimed dominance over the body he and Gale shared. The fact Gale had won that fight was pure luck, and they both knew that. However, Gale knew they would come to this point again and a fight of dominance would occur. He had taken steps to avoid a nail biter fight.


He sprung again, using his legs from the spring to speed his advance. He feinted at Night's chest, leading up with another feint to his left thigh and yet another feint to his neck, finishing with a quick few swipes at Night's blade. Night didn't fall for any of the feints, parrying each of Gale's strikes. The sound of Steel clashing against one another filled the air, or at least it seemed so to Gale. He heard the ringing of the blades from the contact of clash after clash of blades, feeling the vibrations spread through his hands and arms. No one else could hear, or feel the things that Gale did, and because of that he felt a certain amount pride for the secrets within


The exchange of swordplay didn't end there, as Night began his offensive. He swiped at Gale's shoulder, bringing his left hand in to punch Gale's jaw, in which Gale parried and ducked under the punch. He kicked at the pressure point behind Night's knee, but before his foot made contact, Night had quickly tensed up and front flipped over Gale. For a split second, they stood back to back before they each turned around in almost flawless synchronization and began to fight again.


Maneuver after maneuver, and technique after technique saw them hard pressed to find a weakness. Night was cocky, but he was cocky for good reason. He was every bit as fast as Gale was, and knew him inside and out giving him the advantage of knowledge. Gale knew nothing of Night's weaknesses, other then that they were similar to his own. He was at a complete disadvantage, but out of sheer willpower was able to stalemate Night in any conflict.


After thirty seconds of blurs of Steel waving through the air and sparks falling to the ground from the constant contact of the blades, Gale leapt back and quickly threw three throwing knives at Night, charging behind them in hopes that the amount of multitasking would cause Night's stance to falter. He lunged his blade towards Night's collarbone, but found his attack blocked by a smiling Night. He had managed to block each of the knives with his sica before bringing it up to knock Gale's blade to the side and drive his fist into his face. Gale had expected a counter, and just barely dodged the strike that would have broken his nose. He brought his left knee up to hit Night's groin, but again found the attack block when Night caught the knee and pushed it down. Gale had been hoping Night would block the clumsy knee strike, as he knelt low and leapt into the air, somersaulting over Night and bringing down his sica as he did so, finally managing to cut into Night's shoulder causing him to bleed his normal blackened blood. When Gale landed, he kicked behind him hoping to knock Night to the ground. He should have known better, as he found that his kick hit nothing but air. He spun around to find that Night had disappeared, but he knew better this time. He kept his senses sharp and heard the sound of a trigger being pulled about ten feet to his 2 o'clock. He blinked just once and brought up his blade to slice the incoming bullet in half. He smiled at Night, who stood in the shadows and spoke his first words since their fight had started. 1 comment


"Old tricks won't work on me Roach."


He knew the name would provoke Night, as he despised being called a rodent. That's all he was to Gale though, and Gale would rather slit his own throat then lie to such a good pest as Night. Night heard every thought of Gale's and leapt towards him swinging his blade in a rapid flurry of strikes. Gale went in the defensive, choosing only to block each if Night's strikes and analyze his movements. Night was now moving with brutality and raw strength rather than precision and technique. His sarcastic attitude had faded away as Gale had managed to strike at the one weak spot in Night's armor. His self esteem.


Gale kicked Night away after a few moments of their exchange, throwing his last four throwing knives in a way that Night wouldn't be able to dodge without being hit. Night chose to deflect each of the throwing knives with his sica, but Gale knew he would. As Night begun to deflect the knives, he pulled out his own gun and shot three times at Night's legs. Each shot managed to connect, and Night growled in anger as his legs began to ooze blood. All it managed to do however was make Night even angrier and caused him to move faster than ever. Within a few seconds, Night had thrown all of his own knives and emptied an entire clip of one of his Glocks, managing to hit Gale's left shoulder, both of his thighs and causing a nasty gash on his cheek. Despite Gale's opening advantage, they now found each other at a even point. Night was fueled by his adrenaline which gave him the current advantage, whereas Gale held his own adrenaline back. His control over his body was remarkable, especially when it came to managing where his blood flowed. He'd need the adrenaline for something else, and couldn't waste it on a mental conflict.



With that thought, he blinked and found himself still on top of his perch, the water silo. The fight continues to rage on inside his mind, which meant Gale had to multitask. A full out KO fight within his mind, and prowling the streets looking to put a hurt on all the bad men within Salem. The beginning of his career as a Vigilante, and he was already off to such a fantastic start.


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