Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

This Paragraph is kind of chunky, and would read a little easier if broken up into a couple of sentences instead of one long sentence.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

One possible suggestion would be: Arthur, age 25, sparse, dirty blonde hair and gray eyes with no musculature to brag on, was a simple accountant. When they first met he thought a beauty such as Maga would never have considered him a suitor. This was probably because he was not energetic, or an achiever of any athletic endeavor such as Maga was. In every sport or athletic challenge from fencing, wrestling, archery, etc. Maga always came out the best.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

This is just an example but when you make your sentences more concise they are easier to understand and it makes the flow of you story more natural.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

i see your point. i will fix it later.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Her you have a comma between a list of only two descriptions (hurricane winds and torrential downpour)making it grammatically awkward when reading. To remedy simply replace the comma with the word "and". If the descrption list were 3 or more then a comma is appropriate between each description but placing the word "and between the last 2 descriptions. Just an example: hurricane winds, torrential downpour, flying debris and blinding lightening.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

You should replace the comma with the word "and" between "battered doors" and "seek ingress" for a more fluid sentence.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

The roar of the hurricane grew louder in volume. Almost to the level of deafening both, Arthur and Maga, as their ill-fated vehicle neared the hotel and false security.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Just a suggestion but you actually have two complete sentences in this paragraph. Breaking up the sentences give it a more natural flow.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

You might add the word almost for clarity.... totally blinding them "almost" to the point of unconsciousness.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Consider revising to: Maga, stoic as always, turned towards Arthur to say something when the lightning, that should not be, suddenly engulfed the car totally blinding them almost to the point of unconsciousness.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Adding the word "suddenly" implies that the lightening engulfed the car before she could say what she wanted

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

These are just suggestions that make the story flow easier for me. It would be nice to have more input for other writers.

Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

i will fix this later. i see what you are implying.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Just a personal preference but I think the word "described" instead of "stated would work better here.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

This is merely a word choice suggestion because you have the word "noted" in the above paragraph and then the word "noting" in the second paragraph below this one I would change "denoted" to maybe "implied" to reduce redundancy in your story.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

My opinion is that this line would be more polished by rewriting it. One possiblility would be "Maga, upon seeing her, started towards her, raising her voice louder in anger,..."

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Instead of the word "noting" consider "observing" or possibly "...aware of Maga's advance..."

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Did he make the hand motion over and over until the room filled? That would indicate that she was getting desperate and downplay that she was a women not to be taken lightly as stated above.

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Thinking of a way this could be written I have one possibility: The woman, sensing her peril, turned, looked behind her, and made a motion with her hands. Suddenly the room filled with five other Amazons....."

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

Suggested edit: This immediately stopped Maga in her tracks, causing her to pause and consider what would transpired next.

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Leonard a. Wronke Leonard a. Wronke
Recommendations: 23

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And Fernando Makes Three -Part One Ira Furor Brevis Est

The rain that had started as a thunder clapper became  a hurricane.


The lone auto still attempting to navigate this deluge soon became a victim of it.


The young couple, trapped inside this machine, decided to make a choice that changed both of their lives, beginning the adventure into the fantastic tale you are about to read.


Chapter ONE


    Margaret, age 22,( all her friends and family knew her as Maga), hair of flame, green eyed, angelic face, hellish, no nonsense temperament, was seated in the passenger side of the doomed auto. Her husband, Arthur( whom she had just married) had tried to outrun, outmaneuver the storm for the simple reason, they were on their honeymoon.


   Arthur,age 25, sparse, dirty blonde hair, gray eyed, no musculature to brag on,  was a simple accountant who thought a beauty such as Maga would never have considered him a suitor, when they first met, because he was not energetic, an achiever of any athletic endeavor such as Maga was( in every  sport or athletic challenge((from fencing, wrestling, archery, etc.)) Maga, always came out the best). 4 comments


    Though  he was considered meek and unimpressive in his demeanor, it was Arthur's sheer determination to have  her notice him, that  won her attention, her heart.


   Their courtship had been short,surprisingly so.


    Arthur  proposed on the third date. Maga said yes. The wedding was swift. The honeymoon,  the pivotal point of this tale, brings us to where we began, in the hurricane that was to change both their destinies, making one a slave, the other a hero.


Arthur, in a attempt to show Maga  he  was capable and worthy of what he hoped she saw in him, "threw caution to the wind", to drive on through the deluged streets.


He forced the car to move through the hurricane winds and torrential downpour since the place of their honeymoon was  only a half a mile further down the swirling maelstrom. 1 comment


It was his contention, though the hotel may be deserted by everyone else who sought better refuge from this "HELL ON EARTH", he was determined to pull up to the battered doors and seek ingress in the lobby. 1 comment


There was a vague memory he had regarding staying away from windows and doorways, finding the center of the building near inner walls that he felt would keep Maga and himself safe from harm.


This faulty thinking would turn out to be the least of his worries because fate( the beginning of this tale) was, now, to alter their very existence.



The roar of the hurricane grew louder in volume. Almost to the level of deafening both, Arthur and Maga as their ill-fated vehicle neared the hotel and false security. 2 comments


Arthur thought he saw twinkling,  multi-colored lightning swirling in the body of the hurricane, though that could not be; lightning only formed in vertical form, not horizontal.


Though it would be futile to continue this senseless action, realizing his mistake,
understanding he could not turn back any longer, Arthur continued running  before the  storm.


The boom of the hurricane changed in pitch, sounding, for all the world, like machinery running through a programmed action.


Arthur, hearing this, looked towards Maga in stress and anxiety wondering if she  felt as he did, at this moment.


Maga, stoic as  always, turned towards Arthur starting to  say something, when the lightning that should not be engulfed the car, totally blinding them to the point of unconsciousness. 5 comments


She  brought  all her athletic training to bear, keeping herself awake as she moved to calm Arthur.


The machine  noise increased intensity until it  blended with what  sounded like  garbled voices while the hurricane  intensified its swirling motion seemingly  pulling them  closer to the vortex, the eye of the storm.


Arthur felt it first. He reached out to grasp Maga's hand. His fingertips almost touched , never connected.


He disappeared from the moving vehicle close to the storm's eye. Maga followed, but seconds  later.


Their now unoccupied auto careened a little further through the rain until it crashed, spewing out any signs that it had been in use.



Over and over, they, both spun, helpless in the hurricane's grip. The lightning's multi colors ever changing, the twinkling  becoming a solid aura. The voices starting to sound clearer, more distinct.


Maga rolled herself into a ball, though the winds plucked at her being.


She, half succeeded, enough to see that Arthur was slightly ahead of her.


The winds ripped at their clothing until the meager fabrics, leather shredded and split.


Stark naked, Maga  attempted to move closer to Arthur. She flexed her body, coming out of the  semi-ball to see that Arthur was limp as the tempest  continued.


As Maga, through her actions, inched  closer to Arthur, the  multi colors became a solid mass, engulfing Arthur, making him vanish  from her view.


Though she should not have been capable, Maga  let out a yell of pure savagery upon seeing Arthur's fate.


Her yell was not quite completed as the solid wall of light pulled her into  its existence.


The last thought she had, was what could have been, then she passed out.



Maga opened her eyes to a room  of opaque walls, no windows, seemingly no door, no furniture of any kind ; hearing the murmur of voices.


The sound of what could have been machinery diminished its howling  down to a whimper, a whirl  then  silence. 1 comment


The voices sounded exactly like the garbled voices she heard  before, only louder and closer.


If  Maga had  not been highly conditioned in controlling her mind as well as her body, these events could have been  unnerving.


She found her own voice, screaming at  the top of her lungs, "Where the hell am I? Where's my husband?  This last in the hope that he was somewhere near.


Her cry received an answer.


A door opened on one side of the room, allowing what could only be stated as an Amazon woman to enter. As she approached, her height appeared to be slightly under Maga's six feet; her body type, lean and taut however not as toned in muscle, not as broad across the chest. 1 comment


She cleared the door's frame by mere inches. As she drew nearer to Maga, it could be noted the tone of her skin almost but not quite the same as Maga's  but for the bluish tint that  highlighted, enhanced her overall appearance.


Her raiment was of almost sheer gauze, barely hiding any of her athletic build. A small, belted  pouch hung at her waist. Her face, especially her eyes( a reddish tinge to the iris), denoted that she was not  to be  taken lightly. 1 comment


Maga, upon seeing her, started towards her, raised  her voice in  continued anger, to force the woman to answer her. Her whole body, still unclothed, was tense, battle ready if needed. 1 comment


The Amazon, noting Maga's advance, reached into the pouch, pulled out an object, tossing it at Maga's feet. 1 comment


The necklace  hit the room's floor, while the Amazon gestured that Maga should put it on.


Maga, still in  battle mode, continued to close the gap  between the two of them.


The woman, sensing her peril, turned, looked behind her, made a hand motion until the room filled
with five other Amazons, whose bodies were armor-clad, their swords held at the ready. 2 comments


This immediately, stopped Maga in her tracks, having her pause to see what next transpired. 1 comment


The gauze-clad Amazon, again, pointed at the necklace, using her hands to indicate that Maga should comply with her request.


Maga, sizing up her odds, bent down, picked up the necklace and clasped it around her neck, closing the catch.


Once the catch was set, the necklace tightened around Maga's neck, choking her before vibrating  until it felt like it was beneath Maga's skin.


Maga, not liking this sensation, put up her hand in the effort to remove it but found that the necklace had, in fact, been absorbed into her neck, settling under the skin.


All that she felt was a slight circular rise beneath her skin where the necklace had been placed.


The Amazon, seeing that the necklace was now part of Maga, signaled that the other five  could leave.


Maga was surprised when the woman,then, spoke.


"WELCOME TO ASHERAH."


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