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Allen Clarke Allen Clarke
Recommendations: 18

He Wore Thick Indian Affairs Glasses


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She had a friend.

I wanted to write something kind of oddball. I was getting too serious about life. I felt as though I needed to loosen up, quite a bit actually!!i was in a goofy mood, so I picked up my pen and I started laughing on paper!In a sense, I wanted to introduce the lighter side of native culture, as well.


Hi. I`m brown. Bannock brown. I like lard on my bannock too. Sometimes, I sprinkle shugar on the lard. Mmmmm...just makes my mouth water just thinkin`about it. We induns love our neck bones too. Hey, what you laffin`at? I heard you guys eat frog`s legs. What about that bird`s nest soup?  Why not just shoot the bird and cook it up?
Hey, I seen you gigglin`at my thick glasses. Yer just jealous, I think. Just because I look better than you. Just cause I look like Buddy Holly! Or Roy Orbison...ay? CHAW!...just kidding.


BOY YOU!!! Alleez tryin`to burn your skin!! You use too much Coppertone! You`ll get all saggy when you get old. You`ll look like one of those wrinkly dogs. Yeah, you know, the kind with the droopy eyes. Us, we don`t have to bake ourselves in those tanning beds until we fart from the heat, boy!! We`re nice and brown already.


When the Creator made us , he left us brown just right. CHAW! Just kidding. But, you guys, were too much in a hurry, and he took you out too soon!


You know those fly-catchers, yeah, the kind you buy at the Co-op. That`s those long, sticky things you hang from the ceiling. You know the kind?  Wha!! Don`t lie..I know you buy them too. We call them,``Indian decorations. ``Chaw!! Just kidding. Boy, you! You believe everything.


We save lots and lots of money, cause we use blankets on our windows, instead of real fancy curtains. Even at Walmart, boy, they`re spensive. A hundred, two, three hundred bucks maybe! Us, we just take an old horse blanket and tack it on the window. We got lots and lots of old cars and trucks in our yards for spare parts. We got lots and lots of dogs too. We could start a dog pound, even. Don`t laugh, boy! We sell those dogs to those fancy Chinese restaurants in town. It`s real cheap meat, boy!


Columbus could have used a G.P.S. on his boat, boy. He was trying to take a shortcut to the West Indies, and ended up on our doorstep. Geez, that guy!! He was going the wrong way. Somebody should have told him to take a sharp left at Abequerque.


Hey, it`s me again,boy. You know, there`s more to us than K.F.C, you know. I know none of our pow-wow songs will never make to the top 40. Cause I never see us on Youtube,that`s why!! Our culture is our culture,... I think. Just cause we like dressing up like chickens and dancing around in circles doesn`t mean we`lost it. Sometimes I see dream-catchers in handicraft stores ( it alleez smells like moose-hide in there) and they`re made in Japan!! As if ! Geez, you guys, stick to making your electric cars and fancy-shmancy t.v`s.


   Another thing too,is; we keep the laundromats in business. Everytime, I go there to wash my dirty, brown shorts, all I see is Indians. Alleez 50 or at least 100 Indians there. If we ever went home to the rez, they would have to close shop!! Maybe our love of washing goes back to the old days when we couldn`t wash our buckskin outfits. We didn`t have toilet paper back then. Sure we would use grass, but once in awhile, we used to grab some poison ivy, and; boy, it took a long time to get over that one. It`s part of our culture!!


   We didn`t have t.v., back then. We just sat around bullshittin`around the campfire.  There was no C.N.N. back then either. We didint`have cards either or even a set of dice, but, now we have lots and lots of casinos.


Hey! ...yeah, you. It`s me, again. It`s been a coupla`moons since I wrote. We used to send smoke signals, but, Facebook kinda did away with that. Besides, a guy could hardly get a message across without getting it a little confused. The wind would always blow it around too much. Boy, times sure have changed! Back then, you alleez had to carry a dime to make a phone call. Geez, I remember one time, at the old bus depot in P.A., they would charge 25 cents just to use the crapper. Geez, talk about cheap! People wondered why you were walking around kinda funny cause you were looking for a place to drop that cow-pie!!
  
  Nowadays, everything is so fast-paced!It makes us guys from the Woodstock generation feel like we`re walkin`backwards. What d`ya mean, just cause, I`m brown;it don`t mean I didn`t have my hippie time too.I tried grass too. But, don`t tell the cops, huh? Yeah, I smoked, but, I never even got a buzz! Geez! As if!! And then, I tried cannibis. Boy, what a difference!. We even tried smoking horse-hooey, but, all it did was give us bad breath. And, I do mean BAD!! And, my girlfriend, Bertha wouldn`t kiss me after that.


You shoulda`seed me in my bell-bottoms and platform boots. I looked worster than John Revolting!! I had a shag haircut and yellow-tinted Foster Grants. Somebody asked me once if somebody peed on my sunglasses when I was passed out. I remember I wore those designer jeans too. They looked like they were painted on. Well, actually, I used to wear them for two weeks at a time. I used to wonder why they got so clingey after awhile. Let`s see now, they were`nt Levis, but I think they were made by, Lardache ... oh, pardon, my Cree... Jordache.


Hey,....been awhile, huh? I been on Indian Time. I got a slower watch than you dough boys. My time is cyclical. No, actually, it has nothing to do with bikes. The way us Induns look at time is pretty much the same way the groundhog looks at his shadow once every six months. I guess you might say we invented,``the laidback`, if you know what I mean. Maybe, our view of life is kinda based on our nomadic lifestyle. I think you doughboys sometimes refer to it as couch surfing, or chilling out,as the saying goes. I never owned any land. Except for the time my old hag kicked me in the nutties and gave me a couple a`achers. Boy, I still have nightmares about that one! Seriously though...heh..heh..heh..heh! nobody owns the land! Cause it belongs to the Creator. Geez, boy, I heard you guys bought Manhatten Island for 23 lbs. of beads. I would have bargained for at least a hundred ba-jillion dollars! If I was there that time, I would have held off for more! You see, we never had Century 21 back then.We didn`t need to. We just believed it that old philosophy,``Scalp your neighbour, before he scalps you.``Chaw, just kidding...boy, you..you believe everything!!


Where`sh dem shmokesh, boy? Never mind, I got enough second hand smoke to last me for the whole year.


Ya might, by chance, wonder how we took a shower away back then, huh? Wha?...don`t lie. It`s o.k. Actually, we used to wait for a downpour and then we would grab our beaverhide and ball of pemmican, and step outside and go to work! Ya see, we never had Irish Spring way back then. And I must admit that the scent is manly, but I like it too!( he says with a flourish of his pink velour bathrobe.) We never had barber shops too. So once in awhile we let our enemies give us a slight trim. The problem was that they only got one chance to give us a haircut. After that, it was,``No way, Hozay!!


We never used to have U-Haul neither. We just had a crude version called, ``You Haul Ass by Travois.``Ya see the wheel wasn`t invented just yet, but, boy, did we ever save on rubber. The Metis were just too cheap to let us borry their Red River Carts. Boy, but they were never shy about borrying our women.( SORRY, BERTHA!).I got to be careful I don`t offend Bertha. Lots of times, I woke up with two black eyes. Dat`s cause she has a bad habit of trying to beat me up, while I`m counting sheeps!


Yup, K.F.C, G.S.T, baby bonus day, Treaty Day (5 dollar day) is what we`re all about!  Sure, our chiefs are kinda crooked, but then again, so are your M.P`s. Boy, it would sure be nice to get a house before I croak! Wère getting to be like the Chinese where they have to share every square inch that`s available. Well, I don`t wanna complain too much. I guess things could be a lot worseter. I could be living in a grass hut in New Mexico! For now, I`ll have to rent in town. Oh, well, life isn`t so bad! As long as I got my bologna and macaroni,and cable, I`ll survive, I guess. Well, so long all you Lone Rangers out there! Hi Ho! eh!!


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