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Stephen Stribbell Stephen Stribbell
Recommendations: 10

Four Fundamentals of Making Acquaintances

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For Fools

1. The Importance of First Impressions

When you meet somebody for the first time, you want to leave a good impression, so there are some things you should definitely remember.

First, be sure to make eye contact. As a matter of fact, stare them down immediately; first person to blink loses.

Next, grab the person by the head, kiss them smack on the lips, and start babbling in french. If you're not entirely comfortable with this, you could try gripping them firmly by the shoulders.

Do not, under any circumstances, reveal your real name.

2. Establishing the Best Location

When in the process of developing and grooming a new acquaintance (or acquaintances), before moving on to the inevitable small talk, it is best to find a location where there are a great deal of people around. This not only provides a safe environment, but you can position numerous good friends throughout the crowd.

Instruct your friends to cheer whenever you say a particular word, such as "an", "it", and other words that will be abundant in the beginning of any small talk. This should aid in giving the impression that you're either famous, or that crowds find everything you say entertaining.

If you haven't got enough friends to accomplish this, try recording a crowd at a stadium, and play the recording at every opportunity. Be careful to set up speakers all around the area in inconspicuous places so that it gives the new acquaintance(s) the impression that many people are cheering almost every time you speak.

3. Establishing Open Communication

After the first introduction, it is very important to establish an open line of communication, which should help to put your new acquaintance(s) at ease.

Always carry an extra sock, so that you can quickly pull it over your hand, and use it as a puppet. Don't let the other person speak at all, whenever they attempt to say something, interrupt them with your puppet. Also talk to your puppet normally, and answer it, after all, you wouldn't want to seem rude.

However, it is very important that you do not treat it as a joke, your puppet has feelings too.

If the puppet appears to be ineffective, immediately try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin; when nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

4. The Fine Art of Communication

The next courteous step would be to start a conversation, but you should immediately note that there is a fine art to conversation.

You should attempt to start the conversation in the most ambiguous way possible, try to include a few "fart-noises", these will help to break the tension.

Be very sure to change the subject constantly, this will keep the listener interested. Never let them know what's coming.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if they play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Also, feel free to cut your toe-nails while you chat, this is a great way to make them feel at home.

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