Asma Ahsan Asma Ahsan
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Good expression. You are very good with describing your feelings. :)

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Paul Day Paul Day
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This Pain I Feel

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soul mates

I really don't know what to say. I am an all or nothing kind of guy. I try to stand back and look at myself as in a mirror. Sometimes I see kindness, sometimes hope and life, but sometimes there is this tremendous darkness. I don't know where it comes from. It is a curse. It comes and goes, but because of things that have happened in the last couple of years, when it comes it comes with avengeance. Eventually I find a way through it, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult. Getting help is not easy. I have had counselling, I have seen specialists. I am undiagnosed. I look to some of the greats for inspiration, knowing that, though I am nothing compared to them, they all have this one thing in common. They all suffered internally simmillarly to me. I do not consider myself great or anything close to it. In fact, I look at my work sometimes and see only flaws, inadequacies and mistakes. I don't know how to deal with life when I get like this. But when I do I tend to get so angry that I cast all notions of success and ambition out and throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. It is a serious flaw and one which I do not know how to deal with. I know it is only a matter of time, when things are relatively good, that I will have a day when I lose hope and faith in myself and I cancel myself out. I am saying all this in response to the tremendous wave of support left in the form of messages (yes I could not look away, though I prmised myself I would). Please forgive me everyone. I'm tired of this cycle of success, failure, regret, terrible sadness, then success again, only to repeat the same cycle. I am tired of it. I wanted to inspire people. It's why I became a Teacher. But society no longer looks to inspiration from others. They want only to please themselves (not all but most). They take and steal and rob and destroy and there is seemingly no end to the madness. I need to take stock. My family have been as supportive as they can, but even they do not know the depths of my despair. I fear if they did they would never see me the same again. Writing has been a blessing for me. It helped me through the darkest of days. It will, no doubt again. Until then I have no choice but to abandon my dream.

This pain I feel is very real,
It robs me of my mind.
It takes away my sanity
And steals away my sight,
I'm blind.

This anger in me will not leave,
It's with me every day.
I cannot see an end to this,
Though on me knees at night,
I pray.

This heart is broken,
My soul is lost,
I've used up all reserves.
This mind is bent,
My whole body aches,
It's even hard to write,
This verse.

Time dissolves,
All is lost,
Trouble, only, stays.
Gray clouds come,
With darkening skies,
Blocking kinder rays.

I look unto the heavens,
But salvation never comes.
From morning unto night,
I wait,
From break of dawn,
To setting sun.

I feel so hopeless to stop,
This insatiable need to feel.
My torment will not give me rest,
For this pain I feel,
Is very real. 1 comment

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