Muzzammil Manzoor Muzzammil Manzoor
Recommendations: 2

Punctuation! Facepalm... Avoid long, complicated sentences that lack coherence as they ramble on...

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
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Navia is no longer... - "Navia is no longer ...

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

quite a lot to remember. Again capitalize jack - Jack

Muzzammil Manzoor Muzzammil Manzoor
Recommendations: 2

Some punctuation errors here - They started walking{,} and once they came close {to} the alley{,} Jack stopped. Punctuation errors indicated by {}

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Hellhoud - think that is meant to be Hell Hound or Hell-Hound

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Brooklynn Fox Brooklynn Fox
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The Newbie

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She had a friend.

This writing is a creppy pasta just weird stuff my friend really wanted to try and wrtite one so i am. :)

      "Were am I?   "Hello Anybody."

       A little girl was blind folded and hand her hands tied behind her back and her feet tied together, she has long black hair and dark green eyes and fangs like panther but just little sharp teeth in her mouth.

       "Don't worry little girl."

       A dark creepy voice said then came a chilling laugh. A man walked out from the shadows and took off her blindfold. He was well known to the girl and most of London.

       "Jack The Ripper!"

       The girl gasped as Jack laughed, Jack was holding a long rope but the string only lead to darkness behind him. Jack saw my eyes looking at the rope and looked at me, Jack pulled the rope and a big dog with large fangs overlapping its lips and was skinny, blood covered and huge paws with long sharp claws just like a hellhound.

       "Do you like Hell Raiser he is my new friend on my job."       "Please let me go Jack!"       "Why would I do that Navia?"

       Navia gasped at the sound of her name coming out of Jacks mouth. Jack laughed, Hell Raiser growled at Navia. Navia tried not to show she was scared but it was hard.

      "I'll make you a deal Navia. You can die or become like me and Hell Raiser."  "I don't know."  "Pick now or Die!"

       Navia was shaking and looked at jack and then at Hell Raiser. 1 comment

       "I Pick to be like you."  "Perfect! Hell Raiser you know what to do."

       Hell Raiser jumped at Navia biting her neck sinking his large fangs into her body. Navia screamed from the pain but instantly her screaming changed into a evil laugh. Naiva know had to long fangs over lapping her lips and her eyes were just big and green anymore the pupils were huge and the green was just a rim around the black but out of all that she has the transformation powers. 1 comment

       Navia Is no longer your name! Its is Black Hell!" 1 comment

       Navia or Black Hell was no longer a innocent girl, Navia is now a killer.

       "Come on Black Hell, Lets go try out your new powers. But first change back into you human form like me and Hell Raiser did."  "Yes sir."

       Black Hell was her back to looking like her old self and Jack was a teenage boy about my same age sixteen with black long flowing hair and really dark brown eyes and for Hell Raiser he was a German Shepard well looked just like one.

       "Black Hell is your killer name but while you are not your true form you are Navia I am still jack and Hell Raiser is Night, Got it?"  "Yes Jack I got it." 1 comment

       Navia looked at Jack before he turned around, A thought popped up in her head he is really cute. Navia ran up to Jack so they could walk side by side.

       "Hey Navia wanna walk Night for a minute or two, So you can get to know him?"  "Sure. Will he hurt me?"  "No Navia you are now family to me and him."

       Jack smiled at her while they were walking on the side walk in the city. Jack handed Navia the leash, Navia bent down and started to pet Night. Night licked her face it was like he was a new dog.

       "Well when do you we get to have fun as in pick our prey?"  "Just walk slow and when I see someone I'll give Night back to you and that means go to the alley right down the street the one we passed."  "Okay Jack here is the leash."  "Thank you."  "Your welcome."

       A women that just came out from a strip bar walked by us, She winked at Jack and my face turned red and I got kind of mad.

       "Don't worry Navia, Thank you miss for letting me pet you dog."  "Your welcome."

       Jack handed Navia the leash and then she turned around and started headed back to the alley.

       "Hello there."  "Well hi there your pretty cute what is you name?"  "Im Jack who might you be?"  "Im Christy Nice to meet you."  "Same to you well I got a ticket for the movies and I got no one to go with. Do you want to go with me?"  "Sure."  "Thank you well we need to be headed to the movie theater because its getting dark and close to our time."

       They started walking and once they came close the the alley Jack stopped. 1 comment

       "Close your eyes i got a surprise for you."  "Okay."

       Jack covered her eyes with his hand and walked in the alley with her and pushed her forward in front of him, Jack was no longer normal he was his true self big dark eyes stiches on his face blood all over him.

       "What are you?"  "I am Jack The Ripper and this is my Hellhoud Hell Raiser." 1 comment

       Hell Raiser jumped out from the dark in his true form and stood beside Jack. Navia hasn't even came out yet.

       "You are messed up bad and im talking about face wise." 1 comment

       Navia jumped out of the darkness close to the Christy. Navia was now a massive black panther with her eyes back to when she first transformed her fur slick with the color of black and blood mixed and ribs kind of showing, massive paws and her large fangs over lapping her lips.

       "There you are Black Hell, I guess you heard what this whore said about me."

       Black Hell got closer to the girl and growled at her face to face.


       Black Hell bit into her chest ripping the heart then slashed her face with its massive paw then stood up and laughed. It was no longer human, but had changed into full grown panther. Jack smiled because he knew that this was just the start.

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