Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

“Maybe I your dad isn't busy?” didn't understand this question. Maybe I didn't get it or maybe the way it is written, not sure.

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Jordan Hewitt Jordan Hewitt
Recommendations: 13

The Light

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She had a friend.

I have yet to fully descend into the darkness. I have yet to find myself deep within the tunnel of depression. I have yet to feel the icy breath of death bearing down upon me. It’s inviting grip. I have yet to be swallowed whole by the endless tunnel. I know those who have. I know those whom I tried to pull out, lead them to the safety and warmth of the light at the end. I’ve lead them through tough times. I’ve dragged these tired souls to a point of stability. I’ve gotten them back on their feet so they can continue to the end of the tunnel. Continue to salvation. But have I saved every one? No.

       His name is Jason… was Jason. A great family friend. An even greater neighbor. He would come to our door every other day with a great smile on his face. His happiness unmatched by the fattest richest individuals. His happiness was a mask. Something I couldn’t see past. He was reaching out. His “Hey how's it going?” “Your pops home?” “Wanna chat for a little bit?” “Maybe your dad isn't busy?” ... was all attempts to find someone to grab onto. An anchor. Something to tether him to this world. This life. Someone to push away death. To provide a reason to keep going and fight towards that light. Fight against that darkness and stay alive. 2 comments

       But I didn't know that then. I didn't know he contemplated suicide every night. I didn't know it was even an option. A thought. I was busy with my own life. Busy dealing with a new girlfriend. Busy dealing with my sport. Busy dealing with my schooling. Why would I notice  him slipping further and further away? Why would I pay attention to the guy who made it his mission to brighten our day? Why would I pay attention when he didn’t stop by to say hello? Why would I pay attention until someone told me he was gone? Why was I so selfish to let him slip away?

       I left that morning, unknowing that as I slept his body dangled in the stairwell on the other side of the wall. That feet away death had claimed another victim. That feet away an extension cord cut into the airway of a great man. That feet away,  I failed to be a decent human being and failed to save this poor soul. I’m not the only one who failed. His therapist. His girlfriend. My father. His other friends. His neighbors. His co workers. Everyone. But I still feel guilt. I still feel as if I played a part. As if those moments I turned him away, dismissing his kind gestures, telling him “We’re busy but we can chat later”, postponing helping him.

       I don’t remember what our last interaction was. I’m sure it was polite and friendly. Perhaps even forced. We always smiled at each other even if we didn’t feel like it. Maybe this was good. Maybe this was bad, having an empty act of kindness seems wrong. I don’t know.

       I miss him. Not because we were close. I just miss him. He was a great neighbor. He was a great guy. I just miss having him around.

       Damn't Jason, why couldn’t you reach the light?

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