Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

Would it be more effective if the word 'Shattered' be on a separate line each time?

Davide Castel Davide Castel
Recommendations: 39

Break up the sentence on another line, to make it more effective...broken glass,( new line) which...

Deborah Boydston Deborah Boydston
Recommendations: 45

I agree with Davide, it would have a lot more effect if the sentence was broken into two, and shattered where on another line. I really think this could have impact with some simple editing.

Leslie Blackwell Leslie Blackwell
Recommendations: 21

Yes, I think the constant use of Shattered does not really seem to work and only makes reading this awkward. Try changing Loving fearfulness = Loving fear, unawake awareness = unconscious reality.

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Shattered, this one word clung to his mind like superglue. He could only recall that one feeling, Shattered.
Eternal bliss, Shattered.
Loving fearfulness, Shattered.
Unawake awareness, Shattered.
He sat their with shards of memory like broken glass; which as he sifted through cut deep leaving the mark on his skin that was once only internal.
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